Evangelion Fan Funny
by Vicil 2000
Summary: Final chapter is up! The best possible conclusion for EFF there could possibly be as things stand now. Pay special attention and make sure to R&R! Ja!
1. Memories suck! So lets toss them to the...

Evangelion Fan Funny 

Chapter 1: Memories Suck! So Let's Toss Them To The Wind!

=======================================================================

I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

=======================================================================

A seemingly dark place...

Asuka and Misato were having mad-passion sex with Shinji.  They was pumpin' his piston.  Jackin' his hammer.  Bobbin' for squab.  Piercing his Brosnan.  Riding his bologna pony...

ALL RIGHT ALL READY!!!  THEY WERE FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT!!!

*ahem*

"OH GOD!  F0R THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON'T STOP!!!" Screamed Asuka in ecstasy.

"O-KAY!!!" Shinji responded, energetically.

"WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!"

"Huh?"

Shinji woke up in his bed with a fully clothed, really pissy Asuka looming over him with an annoyed scowl.

"Wha-... oh.  Hi Asuka."  Shinji moaned.

"Is that any way to treat you oldest and dearest childhood friend?!"

"*GROAN*... just lemme sleep a little more." Shinji wheezed and pulled the covers over his head.

"COME ON!  WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!!!" Asuka screamed, though not in ecstasy.  She ripped the sheets off... and was stunned momentarily by snail wearing a helmet.  "EEWWWWW!!!  I didn't want to wake THAT up!"

"Well what do you expect? It's morning!  I gotta go take a wiz or something." He moaned as he creaked out of bed.  Several of his bones snapped into action during this, causing the illusion of a walking popcorn bag.

"That's no way to talk to a girl!" Asuka snapped.

"Then stop waking me up like this Asuka!" Shinji bit back while standing up.

"AHH!!!  DON'T POINT IT AT ME!!!"

=======================================================================

Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

"AHH!!!  DON'T POINT IT AT ME!!!" Came the scream from down the hall.

"Aww, those kids play so nice together." Yui said softly while cleaning the breakfast dishes and looking like an angel in the present light filtering through the window.

"Yes dear." Gendo grunted while reading the paper, then he scratched his ass.

"It's so nice of Asuka to come over and wake Shinji up every morning, isn't it?" Yui said softly while cleaning the breakfast dishes and looking like an angel in the present light that was filtering through the window.

"Yes dear." Gendo grunted while reading the paper, then he shifted in his seat to get at the annoying itch in his butt-crack.

"You better get going dear.  You know who professor Fyutski blames when you're not on time." Yui said softly while cleaning the bre – AWWWWW SCREW IT!

"Yes... she who must be obeyed."

"What was that, dear?"

"Nothing!"

"COME ON, SHINJI!" Asuka roared.  "Mrs. Ikari!  We're leaving now." Asuka said politely and stood up straight in a 'good little girl' way.

"OOOOkaaaay!  Have a nice day."

"Bye!" Asuka said with lots of zest, and then shoved Shinji out the door.

=======================================================================

Ten minutes later...

Shinji and Asuka were running down the street as if they were on the run from rabid police dogs.  If you haven't seen a police dog, they're REALLY fast.

"SHINJI NO BAKA!!!  YOU MADE US LATE AGAIN!"

"Could you just forget about that for a second!"

"If you give ME that kind of gall, how will you treat the new student coming in today!?!?!"

"Oh yeah!  I forgot about that!  Man!  I hope she has a great butt!  Heh Heh!"

Just then...

Shinji was creamed by a blue blur chewing on toast and talking perfectly at the same time like it was the easiest thing in the world.

When his eyesight straightened out he was looking at a pair of panties.

'Yippee!'  Shinji thought.

"AHH!!!" The now very visible... and revealing... blue haired girl pushed down the front of her skirt.

'aww.' Shinji thought, mentally tracing a circle with his finger.

The unknown blue haired girl got up and made a mad dash in the direction Shinji was going before she collided with him at supersonic speed.

Shinji tried to get up, but he was interrupted halfway by a...

"YOU LITTLE PERVERT!!!" Asuka bellowed.  She then proceeded to beat Shinji into a puddle of goo.  She was forced to stop when she heard the school bell, so she scraped Shinji into a can she found in the garbage and made a mad dash to school.

=======================================================================

Later that day and just in time for the bell that started the school day...

Asuka barged into class seconds before the bell and rummaged around in her backpack for her 'Shinji in a Can'.  When she found it, she poured Shinji into his seat and sat down herself.

Touji and Kensuke came up to the mass that was Shinji.

"Hey Shinji!  How's it going?" They said in unison.

Shinji's body quickly reconstructed itself into a black and blue Shinji.  His head wavered around for a bit, but then his strength gave out and his head collapsed on the desk with a big CLUNK!

"Oh." They said.  "So...  What else happened today?!" Touji asked.

Shinji's injuries magically healed at the memory he just HAD to blurt out.

"I SAW PANTIES!!!" He yipped excitedly.

"NO WAY!" Touji shrieked. "FOR REAL?!"

"Well, it wasn't anything big... juuust a little flash." He said while closing his index finger and thumb to a small gap to illustrate his point.

"AWW, MAN!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!  THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!" Touji whined, clawing out his eyes.

"What was that, Mr. Suzaharah?" Hikari said curtly while pulling Touji's ear.

"Ack!  It was nothing!  I swear!" Touji pleaded.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

All the heads of the entire male student body perked up at the heavenly sound of Misato's car ploughing into her parking space.  A fight instantly broke out for a good spot at the window.

Misato opened her car door and slowly stepped out of the car.  Twenty gawkers fell dead from a major nosebleed at the sight of her leg.  One hundred more collapsed by the time she got out.

Asuka and they rest of the females grumbled something about all boys being perverts or... something... the author didn't know, he was too busy looking at Misato's bouncy, shinny, soft, milky...

[The writer took this moment to shake his head vigorously of all the images of Misato rubbing ice on her breasts.]

*ahem*

Misato got out of her car and went inside.

A little later (after some much needed relief)...

Misato boomed into class and slammed a stack of papers down on her desk.

"Listen up kids!  We got a brand new, blue haired babe to stay and she has something to say to y'all!"

"HI!  I'm Rei Ayanami!  How's it hangin'!" The new girl greeted

"OH MY GOD!" Came a cry from the back of the room.  Being from Shinji, duh!

"What!  Hey!  YOU'RE THE JERK WHO WAS STARING AT MY PANTIES!!!" Shouted Rei.

"Look who's talking!" Asuka defended for Shinji.  No one knows why she defended him because she beat him up after seeing Rei's panties.  "You're the one who was flashing him!"

"Why are you defending him!?!" Rei snapped back.  The author's point was now clear.  "Are you two playing hanky panky...?" She taunted with a goofy grin.

Asuka was blown back, not expecting that.  "We- We're just really old friends, THAT'S ALL!"

"Everybody, SIT DOWN!" Hikari demanded.  She was, of course, ignored.

The class broke out in commotion because the author didn't feel like continuing the argument.

[The author reflected on this, and grinned evilly.]

The author froze time, wrote himself into the story on the other side of town and had hot, monkey-love with all the Sailor Scouts.

Maya and Ritsuko just happened to be in the same room making out, but neither party paid any attention to each other, because Maya and Ritsuko were frozen in a position that could kill most people.

[A little later, the author went back to work.]

"EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN!!!" Misato shouted as loud as she could.  No one stopped.  So she lifted her skirt up a little.  The room went dead silent.

All the boys, and one girl, drooled in anticipation.  The rest of the girls were just stunned.

"Rei, take that seat by the window so we can start the day." Commanded Misato.  She pushed back down her skirt and sat down.  Roughly half the class, with one girl, let out a disappointed moan.

"Now then.  Timothy Leary was born in..." Misato began.  The class opened up their laptops and got ready to copy a boring days worth of notes from a VERY well stacked teacher.

No sooner did Shinji open his laptop did a message icon appear in the corner of his screen.

YOU JERK!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO BLURT OUT TO EVERYBODY THAT YOU WERE STARING AT MY PANTIES!

                                                      -Ayanami

YOU DID THAT!

                                                      -Ikari

OH LIKE YOU DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT!

                                                      -Ayanami

UNTIL NOW ONLY FIVE PEOPLE KNEW.  NOW YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.

                                                      -Ikari

I'LL KICK YOU'RE ASS!!!

                                                      -Ayanami

COME AND GET IT BITCH!!!

                                                      -Ikari

"AHHHHHH!!!" Rei screamed as she lunged out of her desk at Shinji.  She got so much lift out of her jump that the three guys in the path of her and Shinji got a good look at her panties too.

The entire class watched as Rei collided with Shinji again.  She landed on him feet first with precision accuracy and they tumbled to the ground.  Rei stumbled when Shinji hit the floor and fell on him.  One of her... attributes... mushed against his face.

[The author would like to thank Godsend777 for that little idea]

In another outburst of uncharacteristic defense, Asuka jumped up from her desk and screamed, "YOU BITCH!" and leapt into the fray.

All the guys jumped up from their desks and collectively yelled "CAT FIGHT!!!"

One girl jumped up and yelled, "YEAH!!!"

All the guys turned to her.

The girl blushed.  Then she pointed to the cloud of dust with fists and punching sounds coming from it and yelled, "CAT FIGHT!!!"

All the guys turned around and yelled, "YEAH!!!"

The girl smiled inwardly.

The room was filled with hooting and cat calls.

Misato gave up on the hopeless class and whipped out some nachos for the fight and started munching happily.

'Weapon of Choice' by Fatboy Slim played in the background.

Asuka and Rei started slapping each other around to the goofy beat of the music, and occasionally, Rei threw a desk at Shinji.

Asuka was ducking and weaving all over the place.  She threw a punch at Rei.  Rei dodged it and swung around behind her before making a mad dash to Shinji.  She pulled a length of rope from the vortex behind her back that all cartoon characters have, and hog-tied Shinji's arms and legs behind him in 2.4 seconds.  Asuka was already charging at full speed towards her, so Rei crushed Shinji under as many desks as she could before she was tackled from behind. 

=======================================================================

At the infirmary...

"E9"

"Miss!"

"Fuck!"

The two nurses were stunned out of their game when Misato and three students wheeled in a badly beaten redhead, a blue haired pile, and a body tied in a knot.

"Misato!!!" Two male nurses dressed in female nurses uniforms yipped excitedly.

"Can you focus for a second!?!"  There are three badly beaten students here!" Misato shouted.

"Who cares!  Will you have sex with me?" one nurse asked.

"NO CARL!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't fuck bisexual transvestites."

"Fuck!" Cursed Carl.

"What about me?" asked the other nurse.

"You're gay Bob!!!" Carl bellowed.

"Oh yeah.  Wanna go fuck?"

"Okay!" Carl replied.

Misato was left with three badly injured students and two transvestite male nurses making out in front of her eyes.

"Uh, Misato?" Shinji winced, trying to keep his eyes shut.

Misato didn't respond.

"Asuka?"

Asuka was mesmerized.

"New chick?"

Rei's eyes surfaced to the top of her mass of a body so she could watch men fuck.

"Class rep?"

Hikari was holding out a cross in a shaky hand chanting to god to have mercy on their souls.

"Guys?"

Touji and Kensuke had already bolted.

"Dammit!" Shinji cursed.

=======================================================================

After school [and finally being able to draw away the girls attention.]...

Asuka and Shinji walked back to Shinji's house.

Well actually 'walked' isn't the right term.

=======================================================================

After school...

Asuka and Shinji dragged their nearly flattened bodies back to Shinji's house.  Shinji was sporting a full leg cast, a bandage around his head from the concussion, and another cast on his arm that was propped up by some kind of support that made him look like he was making a left turn.  

On the bright side, he might have a killer pitch like that kid in that baseball movie.

Asuka was better off with a neck brace.  How did Shinji get so battered up you ask?

Shinji doesn't hit girls.

All and all, he seemed to have made the right choice.

"Asuka?" Shinji asked.

Asuka turned her body and walked sideways so she could look at him.

"Why did you defend me back there?" Shinji asked timidly.

Asuka stopped to think about that for a second, though because of the neck brace, it looked like she stopped to look at a dog shitting on the sidewalk.

"I don't know..." Asuka responded.  She turned her body to look at the writer.

"Don't ask me.  I was thinking about the sailor scouts when that happened."

"It still doesn't make sense." Asuka responded.

"Yeah." Shinji chimed in.

"It's probably because Asuka lo-."

"Finish that sentence and you can say goodbye to your balls!" Asuka screamed.

"How could you cut my balls off... if I'm not really here?" the writer then faded from vision.

"Where did he go?" Shinji whimpered.

Naturally, he knew Asuka wouldn't hesitate to lop off someone's balls.  She had never done it, but she's capable... believe me.  All who don't will suffer a horrible fate at the hands of a pissed off redhead.

"Who cares!" Asuka blasted back at him.  Shinji's hair stood up on end from the typhoon.

Shinji ran from her at full speed back to his house.  This was very impressive since his limbs had been hog-tied and broken that day.

"Humph!" Asuka breathed. "What a wimp!  And yet..." Asuka quickly scanned around her, and then whipped out a forty-foot statue of Shinji she just happened to have on her.

"Oh, Shinji.  My love.  Am I doomed to worship you from a far for the rest of my days to come?  Will you ever recognize my feelings for you?" she poetically versed, before hugging the feet of the statue.

A wheezing sound was reverberating behind her.  Asuka snapped out of her world so she could ream Kensuke in the face.  Then she shoved the statue back into her vortex and stormed back home.

[The creators of 'Hey Arnold' took this point to start spinning in their graves.]

=======================================================================

At the Ikari residence...

Shinji bolted through the door and slammed it behind him as fast as he could, relentlessly panting his ass off.

"Gasp... Gasp... Gasp... Mom! Dad! I'm home!"

No one answered.

He limped around the house, but found no one.

After taking one more scan, he reached behind him and pulled out one of his most prized possessions.

A rubber blow up doll that was an exact copy of Misato.

Thank god Kensuke's dad worked for Lover's Lane merchandising.

=======================================================================

Elsewhere [possibly in an alternate reality]...

The writer let out a fart and went to bed.

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

When you write an Asuka / Shinji relationship, you definitely have your work cut out for you.  It's almost impossible, because in the series, they hate each other.  But the truth is that they would be perfect for each other because they are the same.  Asuka only hates Shinji because she is exactly like him on the inside.  She just covers it up with her cold exterior.

If you think this is incoherent babbling, you're wrong.  In the End of Evangelion, during the little scene where Asuka is straddling Shinji, she tells him she gets angry whenever she looks at him.  Then Shinji says, "Because I'm like you?"

Her true self is also expressed in the director's cut of episode twenty-two, because she keeps screaming, "No!  This isn't me!" at apparitions of how she acts toward others.

If you were to write a serious Asuka / Shinji fic, it could work if you kept them in character.  But it would be very hard, because Asuka hates Shinji at the end of the movie.  She really hated him since the fifteenth angel.  But there is a chance, because Asuka also said, "If I can't have all of you then I don't need you."

Writing a serious Asuka / Shinji fic is too complicated, so they always toss reality to the wind and make them funny.  Hence, 'Evangelion Fan Funny' was born.  But don't fret!  Reincarnation is in the works and it will be the only Asuka / Shinji fic that is perfect.  I have spent many a night thinking about it and trust me; there will be no OOCness.

A little thing you should know about my stories is that they are completely senseless if I don't give a damn about plot.

You will enjoy the ride...

      Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	2. You know what really pisses me off?

Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter: 2 You know what really pisses me off? 

=======================================================================

I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

=======================================================================

Now where did we leave off...?  OH YEAH!

WATCH THE SERIES!

=======================================================================

Before the show...

The writer stood up on the podium in front of the cast.

"I would like to make a small announcement." He said, holding his hands above his head.  "I will not be interfering in the lives of the characters... even though I could.  I am only here to fulfill my fantasies with various anime characters that I've wanted to... meet... in the past.  So just because I wheal God-like power, I will not do anyone any favors.  That goes double for you Gendo!" The writer said, wagging his finger at the sulking 'evil plan to save the world' guy.  "If you want to take over the world, you're on your own.  That is all."  Then he left the room.

=======================================================================

A little later [possibly in an alternate reality]...

"Ahh... Back to work."

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

Shinji woke up the next morning in his bed.  'Thank god...' he thought to himself.  [Or in this case... Vicil]

In the tangled sheets of his bed, he rolled over to his companion sharing his sleeping space.  "How was your sleep?"

She lay eyes closed and unmoving, but a small grin was showing on her face.

"Mine certainly was restful." Shinji spoke again.  "In fact," he reached over to pull her close to his body, "I'm ready for another go."

Shinji rolled on top of his bed companion and gave her a few small kisses around her mouth.  He glanced at the clock.  It was almost time to go to school, but 'Little Shinji' still wanted to play.  An internal conflict within him between business and pleasure started brewing.

'Little Shinji' was only too happy to kick business' fat ass off his playground in Shinji's head.

"But this will have to be just a quickie." Shinji spoke, and quickly started rocking on top of her.

SNAP!

"What the fu-."

Asuka stood in the doorway flapping a Polaroid in her left hand while holding a camera in the other.  She grinned evilly.

"My, oh, my.  Wouldn't Misato like to see this..." She said, smugly.

"GIMMIE THAT PICTURE ASUKA!!!" Shinji blasted.  He tossed 'rubber Misato' aside and lunged at the door.  Asuka took off with her tongue sticking out of her mouth and a big smile on her face, clutching the Polaroid in her hand.

It's not possible to stick your tongue out and smile at the same time!

IS TOO!

IS NOT!

IS TOO!

IS NOT!

ISTOOISTOOISTOOISTOOISTOO!!!

=======================================================================

In the kitchen...

Yui and Gendo were enjoying the quiet routine of sipping coffee and slowly eating their eggs and bacon.

A smiling redhead and a blurry boy chasing after her flashed by and out the door.  The wind kicked up and the table was knocked over.  Yui's coffee blew all over the back of Gendo's newspaper.  Newspaper of which was protecting his groin from what he knew would happen.

It was routine after all.

"Bye kids!" Yui shouted.

=======================================================================

En route...

Rei was getting smarter.  Not to say she wasn't smart.  Rei was very smart.  Brilliant even!  And pretty!  No, sexy!  And unique!  AND COORDINATED!  AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REI, PUT AWAY THAT SPADE!!!

*Whew*

She had woken up early so she could walk to school without the hassle of time or perverted boys trying to look at her panties.

Wait a second... Rei, how come you're not a boneless pile of matter?

Rei shrugged.

She stopped at the corner and waited for the walk light.

"I SAID GIMMIE!!!"

"No way, Shin-boy!"

Rei whirled around at the sound of the voices of the familiar people who she got into a fight with yesterday because she wasn't watching where she was going and a guy got a look at her panties after she crashed into him and then ran off.  [Intake breath now.]

She had the stupidest look on her face when she was hit at terminal velocity and knocked into the air.

"DWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

=======================================================================

At school...

The entire class was startled into attention when the roof caved in and a blue hair girl fell into her seat from the hole.

[Wow, nice shot.]

The wide-eyed look of terror on Rei's face was very evident.  She just sat in her seat, quivering.

One brave soul attempted to inch closer to her.

"Ayanami... are you okay?" said Wang.

Rei quickly grabbed him by his collar and threw him against her desk.  She cocked her head to the side and bent down to look him directly in the eye.

"Beware of the blurry people..." she whispered to him, still shaking.

"O-Okay." Wang squeaked.

Misato at the front of the class was also a bit shocked at seeing a student arrive through the ceiling.

She had only seen that once.

"O-kay..." Misato started up, "How much longer until the bell?"

Just then, Asuka burst in the room through the door and slammed it shut behind her.  A split-second later, a figure exploded through the door and the redhead was tackled to the tiles.

"GIMMIE THAT PICTURE NOW!!!" Shinji shrieked.  Asuka quickly put the picture under her back.

"No!  It's mine!" She snapped back.

Shinji reached around her with both hands and got her into a bear hug, trying to grasp the picture from her hands.  She wouldn't let him have it.  Shinji pushed forward to extent his reach, but Asuka held it further away.  They both kept grunting under the strain until...

"Look at them!  Their going at it like rabbits!"

At this, they both stopped their humping motion and blushed furiously.  The whole class burst out laughing.  They quickly got to their feet and bowed to the teacher so they could hurry to their seats before the laughter got any worse.  Before Asuka took her seat beside Shinji though, she quickly tossed Misato the little... present... she snapped.  She ran back to her seat in a fit of laughter while Shinji scowled at her and tried not to blush anymore.  The school bell rang, and the day was off.

He snapped his head straight ahead, determined not to look at her for the rest of the day.

That's when he noticed it.

Although since he practically humped Asuka in front of the whole class Misato still would have gotten their attention somehow the second the bell rang.  Instead, she was staring wide-eyed straight at him.

Shinji scanned the rest of the room to find that it too was mesmerized by his presence.  The boys were slack jawed with disbelief, while the girls, even that one, were all blushing and trying to hide their faces in a spell of girlish laughter.  Shinji checked behind him to make sure nothing funny was back there.  All he saw was Touji and Kensuke sinking further and further in their desk with faces as red as Asuka's hair.  Asuka herself was trying her hardest to stare straight ahead, but couldn't help but chance a quick glance at Shinji every 4 seconds.  The darkest blush of all was on her face... until he felt a draft.

"HEY IKARI!" Rei shouted from the back. "NICE PACKAGE!"

Apparently in his hurry, and after his... sleep... Shinji had forgotten to put on the slightest stitch.  What is a buck-naked fourteen year-old to do when he sits down naked in class after one of the most humiliating experiences of his life?

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

And he took off out of class, down the hall, out the door and to his house at light speed.

=======================================================================

After (he) school (he-he-he)...

Asuka was pissed off... anything in her path could tell... especially the skyscraper that caved in on itself when Asuka bulldozed through it's main support beam because it was in her way.

She got even more pissed of when it fell and she had to push 60mi/h to get out, but it was okay because any home electronic equipment that wasn't crushed was now free!  She picked up a nifty high impact portable CD player and some digital quality headphones before continuing on her way.  It was very hard to get back into her mood after the score she just landed, but it was possible.

'That little dick is going to PAY for humping ME in class!'

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

Shinji sat in the darkness of his room.  A sinister, barely sane cackle escaped his dry mouth as he gazed up at his creation.

"Now Asuka... NOW I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" he threw his hands up in the air and laughed the laugh of all anime villains.

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

His mouth was really dry.  "My mouth is really dry."

=======================================================================

Somewhere down the street...

"Ooooh... I am soooo going to enjoy boxing around that hollow skull of yours."

=======================================================================

Somewhere out of danger...

"Hey, Touji, wanna go over to Shinji's?" Kensuke said into the phone

"Kay."

[Morons.]

=======================================================================

Somewhere on the good side of town...

"Hikari!  Where are you going?"

"I have to go mom.  Asuka said she needs my help to yell at Shinji."

"But he's so sweet."

"He showed up at school naked today."

"Oh father, who art in heaven, please ease the pain this boy will endure."

"What was that mom?"

"Give him hell sweetie!"

Hikari left the house, her mother sighed in relief and picked up the phone.

=======================================================================

Somewhere in Tokyo-3...

Maya slipped the key into the room door while Ritsuko massaged her front from behind, necking her all the way.  They practically fell into the apartment.  Maya started to pull off Ritsuko's blouse.

"What are you doing here!?!"

They looked up to see a very handsome, well-built, well-endowed man [thank you very much] shagging a busty, purple haired woman in tight S&M gear.  They ignored them.

"Who are they, honey?  More playmates?" She said with a grin.

"Sorry Naga baby.  Those are characters from the story."

"Aww, just this once?"

"Sorry."

"Rats."

"Uh, could you two give us some privacy?"

Maya and Ritsuko looked up from their 69.

"This is our room!  YOU GET OUT!" they yelled at the writer.

"No you're in room 69.  This is room 65.  You probably mistook which one because they sound the same."

"Our key fit in this one."

"That's a membership master key.  I have one too."

"THIS IS OUR ROOM!!!"

"Not anymore."

Maya and Ritsuko were sucked out the door by some unseen force.  The door slammed shut shortly after.

"Now, where were we?"

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

Asuka stomped up to the front door.  "Prepare to die, Baka-Shinji."

=======================================================================

Inside the Ikari residence...

There was a knock on the door.

"Shinji, Asuka's here to see you."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MOM, DON'T COME IN!!!"

The door stopped before it could move anymore.

"...Okay..." Yui said quizzically and let go of the handle.

"Uh, can you invite her in for me?"

"...Sure..."

"Okay!  Thanks mom!"

Yui observed the crack in the door a little longer, and then went to the front.

"Is he in his room Mrs. Ikari?" Asuka politely asked with a perky demeanor.

"He's jerking off, I think." Yui said calmly.

"Even better!"  Asuka said as she bounced on her heels.

"Okay.  Have fun kids!"

"Thanks, Mrs. Ikari!" Asuka ran off down the hall.

"Such a nice girl..." Yui said to herself.

=======================================================================

Shinji's room...

"Boy, is my mouth dry!" Shinji whined.

=======================================================================

The hallway...

"Even better indeed!  Now he has no where to run!" Asuka thought happy thoughts of wailing on Shinji.  "And yet..." Asuka stopped in the middle of the hallway and quickly scanned for the presence of others, and then she scanned again, and then a third time.

After the sixteenth time, she reached behind her into her and pulled out another of her most prized possessions.

A pair of Shinji's skid mark underpants.

"Oh, Shinji.  My love.  Please forgive me for the punishment I am about to bestow upon thee.  Although it's not the kind of punishment I would like to bestow upon you." She phrased as she hugged the poo-stained undies close to her heart.

Yui came up behind her and snatched the briefs out of her embrace.

"Thanks, Asuka.  I've been looking for those." She perked as she strolled down to the laundry room.

Asuka blushed an uncertain shade of red that the writer didn't want to describe.

"Ooooh!  Those were MY undies!  Now I'm REALLY pissed off!"

=======================================================================

Ayanami residence...

"Back-Street's-Back-ALRIGHT!!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP REI!!!"

"YOU SHUT UP!!!"

"YOU!!!"

"YOU!!!"

"YOU!!!"

"YOOOOOOOOOU!!!"

=======================================================================

Shinji's room...

Shinji could see his mom enter the laundry room across the hall with a pair of underpants in her hand.

SLAM!

Asuka burst in through the door and it slammed against against the back wall.  She had a very angry sneer on her face.

SPLASH!

The pail propped up by the door fell down on top of Asuka's head, covering her from head to toe with warm, liquid saliva.  Asuka reeled back in utter and complete surprise.  Shinji took advantage of this glorious moment to run out of his room at full speed.

=======================================================================

Ikari residence, and beyond...

Asuka threw the pail to the floor and looked for Shinji.  Not being in his room, she twisted to the hall and saw him running down the hall.  SHE took off after him at warp speed and nailed him in the back, sending them flying into the bathroom, through the wall, backyard, across the street, several city blocks, and finally rolling to a stop in a park that was on the other side of the city.

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

"Class Rep?  What are you doing here?" Touji and Kensuke said in unison.  Several readers wondered how they kept doing that.

=======================================================================

A park on the other side of the city...

"SHINJI NO BAKA!!!  I'LL KILL YOU!!!"  Asuka straddled Shinji and proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

Though Shinji's conscious was quickly fading from him, he was still able to take in the pleasure of Asuka shifting wildly on his groin.  It wasn't until she lifted him up off of the ground that the mother of all pains would soon be upon him.

Asuka grabbed Shinji around his waist in a bear hug and lifted him above her head so she could body slam him.  However, in doing this she accidentally reached behind his back, the hidden vortex with infinite space, and grabbed hold of something.  On his trip down Asuka pulled out Shinji's MOST prized possession.

A very broken in, rubber blow up Asuka.

"Eep!" Shinji squealed.

TO BE CONTINUED... 

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES

      I'm making this up off of the top of my head.  And I should also point out that I am not racist or homophobic.  This fic is a spoof.  Remember that.

      Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	3. If I Have to Tell You One More Time...

Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 3: If I have to Tell You One More Time… 

=======================================================================

I don't own Neon Genesis Evangeion or episode 26.

=======================================================================

Warning: This fic contains wacky anime characters and a writer that wheals God-like power over them all.  There will be violence, horny teenagers, foul language, a pissed off redhead, and if I'm lucky... GRATUITOUS SEX!

=======================================================================

Warning: This fic also contains Laughing Doom... A secret set of words that induces laughter SO HEARTY that it ends only with...

=======================================================================

Somewhere [possibly in an alternate reality]...

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

...

"NRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

*Plop*

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

=======================================================================

Part 1: Wuss Boy Strikes Back!

==============================

A park on the other side of the city...

"Now, Asuka..." Shinji winced.

"Rrrrrrrrrr..." Asuka growled.

"If we can both just... calm..." Shinji started scrambling back on his butt.

"RRRRRRRRRR..." Asuka growled, and started approaching him on all fours.

"... down?" Shinji squeaked.

"ROOOAAARRR!!!" Asuka broke out in a full gallop... or whatever it's called.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji hid behind his hands in a vain attempt to prolong the inevitable, as Asuka closed the distance with one final pounce.

Suddenly, a penguin walked in between Shinji and the rapidly approaching bat out of hell.

Asuka stopped, in mid air, with her arms outstretched and her hands ready to claw Shinji to bits.

The penguin looked at Asuka.  Asuka looked at the penguin.  The penguin cocked its head to the side.  Shinji peeked out from behind his fingers to see Asuka, floating in mid air, cocking her head to the side.

The penguin went, "BWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGA!"

Asuka went, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" and ran away, flailing her arms in the air.  The penguin and Shinji waved away the dust she kicked up.

...

"I'M SAVED!!!" Shinji chorused in joy.  He started clog dancing and kicking his heels in the air while "The Messiah" played in the background.

The penguin cocked its head to the side at the odd behavior of the human and the strange gospel music.

Shinji was so overjoyed; he scooped up the penguin and started swinging it around.  The penguin didn't like it, so it started fidgeting wildly and gnawing at Shinji's arm.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!" Shinji sang to the penguin.  "You saved my life!  What's your name, little guy?"

The penguin released its lockjaw, reached behind itself and pulled out a card.  Shinji looked at the penguin odd.

"WAARK!" the penguin explained.  Shinji took the card and held the penguin with the other.  The penguin went back to gnawing at his arm.

WANDERING PENGUIN LOOKING FOR HOME 

**NAME**: Pen Pen

**SPECIES**: Warm-water penguin

**GENDER**: Male

**OCCUPATION**: Pet

**LIKES**: Beer, sleeping, non-instant food, television, beer, naked women, beer, naked penguins, beer.

**DISLIKES**: Early risers, nuns, non-alcoholics, non-alternating meal times, limited meal times, basic cable.

**HOBBIES**: Pretending to read.

**SKILLS**: Toilet.

**PHONE**: 486-9787  **FAX**: 7-TOILET

Shinji put down the penguin and walked to the nearest payphone, which happened to be right next to him.

*Click*

*WAARK?*

"Uh, yeah.  I got this card."

*WAARK?*

"Uh, it says his name is Pen Pen."

*WAARK*

"Yes, I'll hold."

'Rhythm Emotion' started playing on the line.

A little lower, and to the right, a phone rang.  The penguin reached behind himself with his flipper and pulled out a cell phone.

"WAARK?"

*WAARK.*

"WAARK?"

*WAAAAAAAAAAARK.*

"WAARK."

*WAAAAAARK.*

"WAARK." The penguin snapped the phone shut and put it away

Meanwhile, on the payphone, Shinji was happily singing along.

"So far awa- Oh!  Hello?!"

*WAARK?*

"Yes, I'm here."

*WAARK.  WAAAAAAAAAAAARK.*

"Thank you very much!" Shinji retorted excitedly.

*WAARK.*

"Bye!"

Shinji hung up the receiver and turned around to look at the penguin.  The penguin whipped out a form and a fountain pen from behind his back.

"WAARK."

"But, don't my parents have to sign this?"

"WAARK!"

"Good point."

Shinji signed the papers instantly.  The penguin put it in a file cabinet that materialized out of nowhere.

"So, your name is Pen Pen?" the penguin nodded and held out his flipper.  "I'm Shinji." Shinji took the flipper and gave it a hearty shake.  "Say, Pen Pen, will you be able to frighten Asuka like that more often?"

"WAARK."

"YES!"

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

Shinji awoke to one of the strangest things he had ever heard...

His alarm clock.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* 

"Uhnn... just lemme sleep a little more Asuka..." Shinji croaked, pulling the sheets over him.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

"Shut up!"

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Poor Shinji had no other choice but to get up out of bed, walk across his room, and turn off the alarm.  His fingers fumbled around for the switch to turn off the incessant beeping.  Too bad his vision wasn't totally 100%; otherwise he wouldn't have kept missing the switch labeled 'OFF' in big, crayon letters.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

His fumbling became more aggressive as he started spinning around the clock, trying to see if it was even on the damn thing.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Shinji started banging the clock on the corner of the headboard.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Shinji reared back, and threw the clock out the window as hard as he could.  It rebounded back on the cord and smashed dead center into his forehead.  Shinji was knocked out cold while the pieces of the alarm clock remained intact.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...*

Pen Pen crashed through the door and ripped the cord out of the wall socket.

...

Pen Pen let out a long sigh and walked over the face of his unconscious owner to go back to bed.

=======================================================================

The folk's room...

Yui sat up in bed with a BIG smile on her face.  She stretched and gave a big yawn.  A cute little hummingbird flew in through the window and landed on her finger.

"Good morning, little birdie." She said in her most caring motherly tone.

Gendo farted in his sleep.

Yui left her husband in bed and left to the kitchen to make his coffee.  The loving smile still gracing the walls and floor as her tender feet treaded the carpet.  It was as if the theme from 'Snow White' followed her wherever she traveled.

=======================================================================

Meanwhile [possibly in an alternate reality]...

"NICOLE!  TURN THAT GODDAMN TV DOWN!"

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

Yui drifted into the kitchen.  Opening the pantry door, she took out a package of coffee from the box of finely ground chalk.

[You're probably wondering what chalk has to do with coffee.  Well, chalk is made from coffee.  It's genetically modified to taste better.]

She gently placed the filter and emptied the packet into the coffee machine.  A graceful flip of the 'ON' switch, and the process was complete.  Yui stepped over to the refrigerator to get some milk... 

And shot through the roof at the site of a penguin sleeping in the Jell-o.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

=======================================================================

A little later...

The front door exploded revealing a VERY pissed off Yui.  She was breathing heavily and her eyes were glowing red.  In a lightning fast action, she whipped out her M-16 and ran to the kitchen.

"PREPARE TO DIE, BIRD!" She screamed.  Yui clicked off the safety and lined up the sights.  Through the infrared scope, she could see the target slowly creaking out of Jell-o and yawning.

Yui opened fire.

Too bad for poor Yui the kick of the assault rifle caused her to fly backwards into the wall, leaving a neat little trail of levitating bullets.  Hitting the wall made he lose control of the gun, and bullets started flying everywhere.

Among the things that were hit were the coffee machine, all the windows, the cutlery and dishes, a framed cloth saying 'Bless This Home,' and the ceiling fan blades, which spun off the brackets so hard they got embedded into the walls.

Also, a family picture of Yui, Gendo, and Shinji now had a gaping hole where Shinji's head was, and another where Gendo's balls were.

"FUCK!" Yui cursed.  She pulled a broom from the door-less broom closet and charged the fridge.

=======================================================================

Back in bed...

Gendo Ikari moaned as he got up.  His face melted down to the floor, being dragged slowly down by the heavy sacks under his eyes.

He BADLY needed coffee.

Gendo got to his feet and lumbered himself out of the bedroom, dragging his face on the floor.  On his way down the hall, he tripped over his face and fell.  Gathering the tired flesh under his arm, he continued to slouch to the precious coffee machine.

At the end of the hall, he turned the corner to the kitchen and saw his wife watering the flowers.  'Strange...' he thought, 'we don't have flowers in the kitchen.  For that matter, the kitchen isn't the Garden of Eden either.'

Gendo shrugged and lifted up his face to give Yui a peck on the cheek.  "Morning Hon'."  He groaned, and then walked around her to get to his precious coffee machine, and set his face on a shrub shaped like a giraffe.

Taking the mug from the catcher, he used his fingers to open his 'mouth' and pour in the substance.

Instantly, his vision cleared and his face sprung back to his head with a SNAP!  He spit the coffee into the sink.

"Yuck!" he cringed.  "This coffee's cold!"

Now that he could see straight, Gendo began to notice things; like how everything was full of holes, and how Yui was stabbing the fridge with a broom, and in the family picture there was a gaping ole where his crotch used to be.

His balls made a hasty retreat.

Gendo whirled around to face his wife.  "Yui!" he yelled, "What the hell happened here?!"

"There'sapenguininthefridgeanditscaredmethroughtheroofandwhenIgotbackItriedtokillitbutImissedandIaccidentallydestroyedthekitchen!!!"

"..."

"..."

"...Penguin?"

"Yes!  In the fridge!" Yui pointed a quivering finger at the now thoroughly splattered molded happy face of Jell-o.

Gendo looked in the fridge, the penguin-less fridge.  He looked strangely at Yui.  "...Penguin?"

"What?" She asked, and then looked in the fridge.  "WHAT!" Gendo continued to stare at Yui.  "I'm telling you it was in here!"

The TV in the next room turned on.  Yui and Gendo turned their heads to thee doorframe it was coming from.

*PSP*

"HE'S IN THE DEN!" Yui shouted, and bolted for the doorframe.

The sound of a broomstick coming down repeatedly on something screaming "WAARK!" caught Gendo's attention.  He strolled into the den to find Yui beating a penguin over the head.  The penguin was trying to fend her off so it could enjoy its beer in peace.

Gendo looked suspiciously at his coffee.

=======================================================================

Somewhere...

Asuka crawled onto Shinji with a sultry smile on her face.  She positioned herself so that her breasts hung freely before his face.  Shinji reached up to grasp one and used his other arm to pull her down so she rested on him.  He took the other nipple in his mouth and began to suckle on it, swirling his tongue around the sensitive flesh and teasing it with his teeth.

"Do you like that Shinji?" She said.  Her voice had changed.  It was now deeper and soothing.  Shinji released the nipple from his mouth and sat up to kiss her...

And saw his mother staring right back at him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Shinji bolted upright in bed, knocking his head against Yui's head, which knocked against Gendo's groin, who was standing behind her.  Gendo's balls thought it was not a good day to be attached to this man.

Yui rubbed the back of her head.  Gendo rubbed his sore crotch.  Shinji threw up.

"Shinji, don't wake up like that." Yui said curtly.

"It's YOUR fault!" Shinji shot back, pointing a shaky finger at her.

"Son, I know your mom's hot, but don't point that at her." Gendo motioned to a tent under Shinji's blankets.

"Yak!" Shinji covered up his crotch with a pillow and blushed something awful.

You could say that a tense moment was passing.

Somewhere, a driver's head exploded and his car crashed into a lamppost.

"Shinji," Yui started, "is this your penguin?" Yui held up said penguin by his bushy red eyebrows.

"Hi Pen Pen!" Shinji smiled.

"WAARK!  WAARK!  WAARK!  WAARK!" Pen Pen screamed while clawing at Yui's hand with his flippers and kicking his fins in the air.

"Mom, can you put Pen Pen down?" Shinji said.

"Shinji, you know what we've said about bringing home strange animals." Noted Yui, not paying attention to Pen Pen giving her the 'flipper.'

"No more giraffes?" Gendo asked inquisitively.

"Shut up honey."

"Please can I keep him mommy?  Please, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"NO!" shouted Yui.

"WAARK." suggested Pen Pen.

"Good idea, Pen Pen." said Shinji.  Pen Pen Whipped out his cell phone and hit speed-dial six.

"WAARK!" the penguin commanded.

*WAARK!* came the reply on the end of the line.

Suddenly, the roof over Shinji's room was torn off revealing a scrawny, two hundred-story monster wearing purple titanium tights and a helmet with a horn.  Yui dropped Pen Pen and scrambled into the corner with Gendo.

"AHH!" screamed Yui.  "It a one-horned, green-eyed, giant, purple people eater!"  A banjo rift sounded.

The beast leered down over the room that was dwarfed by its eyeball.  A tampon-like thingy shot out of the back of the creature's neck, spraying a yellowish, sticky substance all over the house.

Yui tasted some that landed on her thigh.  "MMM!  Honey!"

A rope was tossed out of the tampon, and out climbed another penguin wearing a black tuxedo.  It jumped off of the side and grabbed for the rope.  However, it jumped off of the wrong side and splattered on the floor.  Pen Pen smacked his forehead.

Shinji went to get a bike pump from the broom closet and shove the hose in the mouth of the penguin pancake.

*PUMP* *PUMP* *PUMP* *PUMP*

When the pressure became too great, the penguin balloon's mouth popped open and it started flying around the room.

*FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

It went up in the air one last time and then fell onto the bed knob, butt-first.

[Just a little note: ouch.]

Shinji walked over and plucked the penguin off of the (heh heh) 'easy home insertion device.'

The penguin in the tuxedo flipped the writer the metaphorical 'bird.'

Mr. Snuffleuppleguss, as we'll now call him, waddled over to Pen Pen and gave a salute. 

"WAARK!" commanded Pen Pen.

A file cabinet materialized out of nowhere.  Mr. Snuffleuppleguss reached inside and pulled out a document.  Then Mr. Snuffleuppleguss whipped out some spectacles and waddled over to the folks.

Mr. Snuffleuppleguss cleared his throat.  "I, Ikari Shinji, take on the responsibility to provide a home residence to retired secret agent, Pen Pen.  By signing this document, I understand that my parents have no right to butt-in to my business and that they will be shot on site should they disobey any of these set guidelines by either kidnapping Pen Pen, killing Pen Pen, or making Pen Pen earn his keep.  You are also required to purchase a refrigerator for Pen Pen as personal space.  If said refrigerator cannot be purchased, you are required to have nine cubic feet of free space in your refrigerator with a Jell-o mould at all times."  Mr. Snuffleuppleguss looked up to the parents, "So if you don't like it, WAARK!"

On that note, Mr. Snuffleuppleguss grabbed onto the rope and pulled out a remote.  He hit the button labeled 'REAL IM IN!' and took one last glare at the writer before ascending into his tampon.

Once at the tampon, Mr. SnuffleuppleUPPLEguss reactivated the monster and closed the roof of the house.  A resonating thundering footstep trailed off.

Shinji and Pen Pen turned to Yui and Gendo huddled in the corner.  "So," Shinji smirked, "do we have something to say to poor Pen Pen here?"

Yui and Gendo thought about that for a moment, but in the end, there was only one conclusion they could reach.

"WAARK!" they said in unison.

=======================================================================

A little later...

Pen Pen stared at Yui.  Yui scowled at Pen Pen.  Gendo and Shinji were pretty cold, because Yui blew away half the kitchen.

"I'm going to school, mom." Said Shinji.  "By, dad.  Later Pen Pen!" he scooped up his backpack and ran out the door.

=======================================================================

Outside...

Shinji stepped outside with the biggest smile on his face in... well... a damn long time.  This was of course due to the fact that for the first time in months, he didn't have to wake up to a pissed off redhead.  It's not that Asuka was bad, or bossy, or pushy, or violent, or loud, or self-centered, or annoying... it's just that-.

WHAM!

Shinji was tackled from the side into the flowerbed.  He convulsed as his back hit the dirt.  He looked up to see Asuka rear back with her fist behind her, and beat him like a jackhammer to pudding.  When the punching was over he was nailed in the groin so hard, he flipped over onto his stomach.  Shinji whined in pain and clutched his balls between his legs.  That's when he could feel something digging around in the back of his pants.

"Asuka!  What the fuuuuaaaaAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed, when he felt his underwear wedge so far up his colon it scraped off about two inches of skin.  Shinji was totally frozen; in a squatting position, clutching his balls, with his ass up in the air.  Asuka pulled his pants off and skipped away with his underwear in hand singing...

"This is the way we walk to school, walk to school, walk to school..."

Shinji was like an ostrich with its head in the ground.  Some kid walking by noticed his doggie style position.

"ALL RIGHT!" Chorused Kaworu.  He started jiggling at his belt.

"YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Shinji.  His limbs sprung back to life and he bolted in through the door.

=======================================================================

School...

"Alright class." said Misato.  "Today, we're reviewing trig ratios.  Turn to page... he, he, he... sixty-nine in your textbooks."  The class flipped to page... he, he, he... sixty-nine in their textbooks.  Touji flipped to a different page where he had doodled a picture of page... he, he, he... sixty-nine.

Asuka came in the door.  A BIG smile aroused suspicion and she skipped to her desk.

"Nice of you to join us, Ms. Sohryu." curted Misato.  Asuka didn't flinch.  "Take out your textbook and turn to page... ha, ha, ha... sixty-nine."

Asuka took one curios glance at her teacher before sitting down.

*Thump* *Thump* *Thump*

"... What the hell was that?" said Misato.  The class turned their heads to the door.

*Thump* *Thump* *Thump*

The door opened.

"Excuse me, Misato." Said Mr. Fyutsuki, the same Mr. Fyutsuki, the principle.  "I need your assistance around noon.  Don't be late."

*THUMP*

"What the hell was that?" Mr. Fyutsuki started to sweat.

*THUMP* THUMP *THUMP* *THUMP*

Asuka's smile got even bigger when she looked around the principle.

"Mr. Ikari.  I'll be seeing you in my office at lunch too."

"I'M SORRY SIRRRRRRRRR!" said Shinji trough gritted teeth.  "I WAS DELAYYYYYYYED!"  His face looked about ready to burst into flames.  It was redder than the sun, and hotter than red steel.  His entire body was twitching abnormally, and his eyes were glowing.  He turned and stomped into class.

*THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*

Every step he took shook the school until he sat down in his desk.

Asuka couldn't have been happier if it was her birthday and she won a trillion yen.  Casually, she leaned over to Shinji.

"Morning baka... sleep well?" she cooed.

Shinji's head burst into flames.

=======================================================================

Lunchtime...

All the students did well to stay out of Shinji's blast radius that day.  He was twitching and convulsing in his seat all morning, meaning that a meltdown was more than imminent.  There had been a few suspicions that he was also causing a low level earthquake.

Of course, Asuka saw this as more than a golden opportunity.  She won a two hundred yen bet to tape a Richter scale to his butt.  This caused Shinji to vibrate even more.

Right now, he was vibrating at his lunch table.  His tray and cutlery was jingling all over the place.  It was annoying, but no one DARED make a point of it.  Even Touji and Kensuke thought it was best that Shinji had some alone time right now.

And there was Asuka, slowly making her way from table to table to get to his empty table.

Shinji knew she was coming.  He could smell that air of arrogance wafting his way.

Closer, and closer, and closer, and closer... until...

"Hey Shinji!" Asuka said in her patented 'good little girl' voice.  "Can I sit here?"

Shinji's head burst into flames again.

"Okay!" she perked, and sat down as close as possible to him without touching him.

She unpacked her lunch wile humming a happy tune to herself.  She knew it was pissing Shinji off even more, and Asuka loved every minute of it.

On the other side of the room, Hikari was waving at Asuka's back, whispering to her to get the hell away from him.

"MMMPH! Yhey, Shinji." Asuka said coyly through a mouthful of noodles.  "Can I have some of that?" Without even waiting for a response, her arm started reaching across to his bread. 

That's it...

"NO YOU CAN'T HAVE SOME OF THAT ASUKA!!!"

Shinji bolted up from his seat.  The tabletop broke off from this action and flew across the room, smashing Kensuke in the back of the head.  The pieces of food that used to be on the table were now spinning in the air.  Asuka grabbed for the bread roll and took off for the other side of the room.  Shinji was in hot pursuit.  Not a quarter of a second later, he tackled her from behind and down to the floor.  Shinji grabbed the bread roll and shoved it into his mouth.

"HA!" he shouted in her face, without even chewing or swallowing, and spraying food all over her face.

"EWW!  Get off me, you sicko!" Asuka shouted back at him.  She drew her fist back to punch him, but before she could, Shinji grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms to the ground.  She struggled to get up, but a supercharged Shinji is a difficult force to reckon with.

"GODDAMMIT ASUKA!!!  YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BITCH IN THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' WORLD!!!"

"FUCK YOU SHINJI!"

"FUCK YOU BACK, ASUKA!!!"

"GET OFF OF ME!"

"WHY SHOULD I!?!  YOU DON'T EVER STOP!!!  ALL YOU EVER DO IS BEAT ME UP AND HIDE BEHIND BEING MY FRIEND!!!"

"I am you friend, Shinji!"

"FUCK YOU ASUKA!!!  YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BITCH IN THE WORLD, AND I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS!!!"  Shinji quickly got to his feet and pulled Asuka up off the floor.  Then he threw her against the wall as hard as he could.

*SMASH*

Asuka hit the wall and fell to her knees.  Shinji stood over her, proud of his work; it showed when Asuka looked up at him.  She pulled herself up off the floor, gritting her teeth and balling her hands into fists.  The entire class circled around the room, ready for the biggest fight ever.  No sane person could take on Asuka and win, which right now excluded Shinji.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Asuka burst into tears and started crying in her hands.  Shinji was thrown.  Hikari was thrown.  Touji jumped up and shouted "WAY TO GO SHINJI!"  Kensuke would have, but he was unconscious.  The entire class was thrown.

Whatever rage and anger Shinji had in him vanished from existence.  He had never wanted to kick himself more in his life.  All thoughts were replaced with nothing but the crying redhead in front of him.  Then all thoughts were transferred to his aching groin where Asuka kicked him before bolting out the classroom door.

Shinji collapsed to the ground, holding his aching crotch for the second time that day.  Hikari ran to the door after Asuka, but Asuka crashed right back in, tears still in her eyes.  She ran up to Shinji and kicked him in the groin again.  He yelped out in pain and clutched his fingers.  Then Asuka kicked him again in the groin.  Shinji squealed out in pain and clutched his crotch with his feet.  Asuka threw a crumpled up piece of paper at his face and took off out the door again.

Shinji lay on the floor, in great pain of both mind and body as horrible weight barred down upon his shoulders.  The class exchanged scowls of despise for the young Ikari and he quivered, and then retreated to their respective lunch tables.

Shinji groaned as he tried to get up.  Touji ran over to help his friend to his feet

"Alright dude!  It's about time someone handed the goddess of hell what's coming to her."

Shinji didn't say anything to that.  He hobbled over to the ball of paper Asuka had thrown at him and picked it up.  After unfolding it, his world turned upside down.

"Oh, god." He said to himself quietly.

On the other side of the room, a pair of eyes that witnessed the event felt pity to the young Ikari.

=======================================================================

The office...

"This is the third time you and Ms. Sohryu have disrupted class this week Mr. Ikari!  I'm beginning to think you two are in dire need of a long overdue expulsion!" the principal boomed.

"I'm sorry Mr. Fyutsuki.  It won't happen again."

"The only reason I couldn't kick you two out of here before was because you two were doing well enough academically, but now, your grades have started to slip."

"If you aren't able to control yourselves from now on," Misato continued, "you two are gone."

"I'm sorry sir, but right now, all I can do is apologize." Shinji pleaded.

"That's not good enough young man!" shouted the principal.  "I'm issuing that the both of you are to be suspended for the rest of the week!"

"Huh?"

"That's right.  We've already called your parents.  They'll be here to pick you up shortly." Misato said.

Shinji sulked in his chair as Misato and the principal towered over him.  His day had hit rock bottom, and the people up top had no more shovels.  Feeling he had nothing left to lose, Shinji welled up his courage to ask the question his mind had been nagging him about in the back of his head.

"Ms. Katsuragi, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"What was that piece of paper Asuka gave you yesterday?"

"That's none of your business, Shinji." Misato said curtly.

"I'm sorry ma'am." Shinji apologized.

=======================================================================

The car...

The trip home was silent.  Shinji wasn't fortunate enough to have his parents turn on the radio.  Instead, he concentrated on the piece of crumpled paper he held in his hands.

A picture of him slipping the meat to his Misato blow-up doll.

"What's that Shinji?" Gendo asked.

"Nothing!" Shinji gasped.  He hid the picture in his pocket before his mother could get a look too.

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

As a response to my reviewers, I think I've pretty much topped the last two.  GOD!  It feels so good to FINALLY establish a plot!

I'm sorry to say that I have to take a break from this fic for a bit.  Fear not!  The next chapter should be out within a month at least.  But unless I do something about those two other posters that SAY I'm writing fics, you guys might stop coming.

Thank you for your support.

Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	4. God Man, Your Screwed

Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 4: God man, you're screwed... 

=======================================================================

I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

=======================================================================

Warning: I've been told that this fic is sexist, racist, violent, and FUBAR.  I've also been told to keep up the good work.

=======================================================================

Warning: This is the first last and only time I will warn you that this fic contains spoilers and references to EoE and the series.  You'll probably want to read them.  I always do.

=======================================================================

Part 2: It's Been a While

=========================

A lonely boy sat in a sandbox.  The other children had already long since left for home.  Like sands through the hourglass, time moved on around the boy.  He couldn't have been more than four years old, and yet, the sorrows of his life haunted him much like an adult.  His social skills were nil because he had recently moved here.  He sat in a corner, curled up in a ball.  His short and scruffy hair gave no release to the breeze blowing by, as if it too were too nervous to move or acknowledge anything's presence.  It was a hot day, but the young boy had grown up wearing heavy clothing.  He was as proper as his parents had taught him to be.  Mostly, he looked like a satirical tomboy who waits on adults for attention, but often he had been too shy to accept it.  He was dressed in a little, brown wool sweater over his little, white formal shirt with little summer shorts and little formal shoes to complete the attire.

But much like any young boy, he disliked his responsibility to his parents.  He always had to act good for the parents that live vicariously through their growing boy.  Such great expectations in this day and age were becoming a horrible burden on him.  They always kept him on the run in Kyoto.  They always bought him confusing plastic books instead of the cool video game all the other kids had.  He loved his parents, very dearly, but they made him miserable.  All because he was able to grasp language at and 'earlier than average' age.

A certain happiness was invoked when the two young children invited him to help him finish their pyramid.  It was a good feeling to be playing with kids again.  The small amount of friends he had was left behind in Kyoto.  It didn't matter that they were the weird outsiders of the other community.  They would play with a proper, geek-boy; and that made that little boy happy.

This little boy was happy to be there.  This little boy named Shinji.

He was, however, speculative of how the children weren't helping him with the construction of their model.  He had been doing all the work himself for about three hours while the other two just sat there, hunched over.  Their weird glassy and porcelain features just sort of...

Another group of people walking by shook their heads in pity at the young boy playing with dolls.

But, sadly, when the two young children went home with their mother... somehow... young Shinji was left with nothing to do but finish building it on his own.  It angered him when he was finished because he had been doing it all along.  So, with several swift kicks, the model was demolished.  Left in its place was just a well shaped, lump of sand the young Shinji stood over.

Guilt washed over him.  That he should destroy something he had no right to destroy.  It was not his property to wreck.  It was dependant on him to keep it in shape.  That he destroyed it proved him to be a monster.  Guilt was the only thing that the newly rebuilt pyramid stood on.

So now, the young boy sat in the corner of the sandbox, surveying his work.  It was not as magnificent as the previous model.  This one was built more quickly and sloppy.  Its edges were chipped and rounded, and small wet dots encircled the structure of sand.  Tears that the young boy was trying to hold back.

Not far away, another troubled soul hung low in the setting sun.  On the swaying swing perched a little girl.  She was like a hawk, still and silent; yet, small and scared, like a puppy separated from her litter.

Small and scared...

Still and silent...

Nervous and alone...

She was roughly four years old also.  Her red locks of hair hung down her back and swayed in the light wind like the vines of a willow tree.  Her little hands grasped small bundles of her little green dress as if she would fall forever if she let go.  Her tiny feet, hugged by her warm, tiny sandals hung freely above the dip in the dirt under the swing.  Sort of like a pendulum, she swayed, ever so slightly; and if you were to look closely, you could see tiny little tears just begging to escape.

Someone had stolen her lollipop.

Lost, they were.  Happiness had chosen to hide from fate that day.  The two children in the playground were just fate's first victims.  Knowing of each other only seemed to add to their depression.  They were nervous to ask for a playmate in their hour of need.  Time was all the more urged to slow down to observe these two children with an invisible wall between them.  It wanted to help them break down the wall and experience this thing called happiness.  It was not unachievable to them.  They would just have to overcome the fear holding them back.  Chains are only as strong as their weakest link.

So time slowed down for them.  The sun set slowly.  The wind stood still.  Just for them.  The animals paid close attention and waited patiently.  Waited for fate to move on and allow happiness to peek out from its hiding place.  And so it did.

Fate's tireless dark cloud above the two children passed on to the next poor victim.  But even as poor little Kensuke broke out in acne, it was known that happiness filled any void fate left behind.  Happiness glistened over the children of fate, and they felt warmer.

Eat your heart out Walt Disney.

Time kept its watchful eye on the children and they nervously glanced at each other, thinking the other wasn't looking.  Their tears were now dry and gone.

And finally, they got bored.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred...

They got really bored.

REALLY bored.

They were quite bored.

They got so bored they started counting the dust flakes in the air.

They got so bored they started sniffing their fingers.

So bored, they started getting an uncomfortable itch in their butts.

So bored, they started imitating their parent's morning routine.

Very bored.

So bored, the writer decided to continue the story.

Finally, the boredom reached its peak, and tumbled all the way down to the children.

"Hey," said the little girl to young Shinji, breaking the silence, "will you push me on the swing?"  Suddenly, it was as if the last twenty-years-in-a-minute had vanished.  Shinji was scared again.  The new disturbance had reawakened the boy's defenses.  All he did was flinch a bit at her voice.

[The more things change.]

"Excuse me," reiterated the little red head, trying to be polite, "will you please push me on the swing?"  Shinji tried to ignore the girl.  His defenses could not be penetrated by a simple 'please' push me on the swing.  A simple please wouldn't send him back to his old place of comfort.  "Please push me on the swing?" repeated the little girl, starting to get slightly agitated by the boy's lack of response.  Still, the object of her attention wouldn't yield.  "Please?" she said.  It still wouldn't come.  "Excuse me."  No response.  "Can you push me?"  Still none.  "Can you hear me?"  Nope.  "Hello?"  Nada.  "HEY YOU STUPID BAKA!  PUSH ME ON THE STUPID SWING BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE PEE-PEE!"

THERE we go...

Shinji's defenses shut down to 'patrol guard' and his survival instinct charged out of the gates full ahead.  Shinji leapt to his feet and was behind the pissed off red head faster than you can say 'mud.'  With lightning quick action, he placed his two shaky hands on her rear, not thinking too clearly, and pushed as hard as he could.

For exactly two cycles, the girl spun all the way around the hanging bar before falling into a nice, smooth, pendulum-like motion, with Shinji nervously behind her, hoping she didn't feel that.

For the next two hours/minutes, they played like all normal children would.  Like a little boy pushing a little girl on the swing.  Of course they were nervous, playing with a stranger, but it was what the elements had in store for them.  What they hoped for.  A little of that wonderful thing called 'happiness.'  Nervous Shinji was even able to let himself go to the laughter and fun.  Fun like running under her while he pushed her.  Fun like jumping off the swing on the next pass.

*WHAM*

The little girl catapulted herself off of the swing, her arms and legs outstretched in a gleeful leap in the air.  She collided with Shinji's head, and they crashed to the ground.  The little girl rolled to a stop, leaving poor Shinji flattened in the sand with is arms and legs sprawled out.

A voice.

"Ow!  Pervert!  You hit me in my most private spot!"

Reality snapped back to Shinji.  He was now aware of the rapidly approaching rumble in the soil under him.  He shifted his attention to the girl, and found the source of the rumble.  With haste, Shinji got to his feet and did the only thing he thought to do at the moment.

He ran for the sake of his dear, sweet life.

The girls menacing, leer accompanied the outstretched arms and the blurry feet as she treaded after the bug that absolutely must be squished.

"Help meee!  Help meee!" squealed Shinji as he rocketed and weaved around the playground in a desperate attempt to get away from the hell beast.  HER FANGS WERE DRIPPING ACID!  Shinji made a last ditch effort.  He headed to the docks.  Then stupidly, he ran to the end of the peers.  Then stupidly, he looked back, and was tackled from behind.

Down!  Down they fell!  A whole five feet!

*SPLASH*

Shinji struggled free and charged to the surface, the girl right on his heels.  'Swim!  Swim!  Get away!' shouted his brain.  He pushed hared and broke the surface with a mighty standing up on his feet.  Instinctively he started wading to the surface, but then the girl broke surface.  He couldn't wade fast enough in the water.  The menace started gaining.  'YAHHH!' he screamed inwardly.  He started splashing the water insanely, trying to fend her off.  She shielded herself as water rained down on her.  Shinji's desperate floundering intensified as he saw it was working, when all of the sudden, he was tapped on the shoulder!  He spun to his right to see whom it was, and was tackled from the right by a pissed off red ball of wet hair.

*SPLASH*

"ARGH!" Shinji screamed as he broke water.  He grabbed her around the waist and swung her around, throwing her off him.

*SPLASH*

"Yes!" Shinji cheered and spun around to make his escape.

*THUNK*

Shinji slammed into a support post, headfirst.

"Ouch." He said as he rubbed his head.  Suddenly, he was tackled yet again into the water.  Shinji's thoughts were non-existent as he fought for dear life.  He felt an intense sensation reverberating though his armpits as he was smacked against the shore, then he started laughing like there was no tomorrow.  "HEY!  HAHAHA!  QUIT IT!  HA!  STOP!  HAHAHA!  THAT!  HA! TICKLES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  The girl above him tickled him relentlessly as he squirmed under her and squealed like a girl.

"Asuka!  What are you doing?!" came a voice from above.

The tickling stopped.

Chance.

Shinji rolled over the girl onto the soil and gave back the torture.  She started laughing like a hyena under him as he straddled her.  Suddenly he felt a hand encircle his arm and yank him off of his victim.

"STOP!" shouted the voice.

Shinji snapped back to consciousness.  Holding onto his arm was an adult woman in her thirties with red hair, and she was pissed.  Her voice was commanding and authoritative.  Shinji scrunched up into a ball.

"We were just playing mama!" said the little girl.

"Hey, fucking check it out man.  Fuck, there's a bunch of fucking kids in the fucking cannal."

The three turned their heads to the sound of the voice.

"Ho-ly shit.  Fuck, what the fucking hell should we fucking do, fuck."

"I know, a little reverse-action."

A low humming of a boat propeller cutting through water started quickly approaching.

FLASH!

Shinji stood outside Asuka's house.  His hand nervously twitched at his side as its other reached for the doorbell.

*BING* *BONG*

And that was it.  The first step was taken.  He was so anxious.  He had just gotten home not too long ago, and since Asuka was not around for the verbal beating, he would be the one to present the news of the suspension.  Asuka was not answering the phone, and Mrs. Sorhyu wasn't letting him talk either.  This was it.  It had to be done.  Of course, the suspension was far from Shinji's mind.

Why the picture?  Why the picture?  Why had she kept the picture?  A million things flashed through his head the last night.  Many of which made him touch himself anon.

The door opened.

Asuka has melted!

"AHH!" Shinji screamed at his deformed ex-companion.

"Ahh." screamed Asuka through her gums.

"AHH!" screamed Shinji even louder.

"Mom!" yelled Kyoko.  "Mom!  Mom.  How many times have I told you to wear clothes when you answer the door."

"Come her, boy, I'll gum ya."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji shot out of there like fart from a mules butt!

=======================================================================

The Next Day [possibly in an alternate reality]...

Mork's on.  Scroll down.

Hehehe... nanu nanu... hahaha.

=======================================================================

Sorhyu residence...

Asuka set fire to her precious undies through squinted tears.

"Why, you bastard?  Why?  Why did you deny it when it was so close to break free anon?  WHY?!  Am I so stupid to drive you away for eternity?  AM I SUCH A BAKA THAT I WILL REJECT YOU FOREVER?!  DAMN YOU, PRIDE!  ASSHOLES DO VEX ME!!!"  She thrust the undies to the sky.  "You cannot forgive me?  You cannot be with me?  I will not be with you?  DAMN YOU SHINJI!!!"

"Asuka!"

Asuka spun around.

Shinji!

"Shinji!" Asuka screamed.  She grabbed him by the crotch of his pants and threw him threw the second floor wall of her bedroom.

"AHH!"  Shinji covered his face as he flew out the house.

"PERVERT!" Asuka boomed.

"Never mysteriously appear in a naked red head's room while she's burning a pair of your skid mark underpants."

Pen Pen followed Shinji out the hole in the wall via pissed off redhead's fist.

=======================================================================

Next day...

Shinji walked up to the door once again.

Yes...

The door...

So far in the last three days, he has seen red head cry, a naked senior citizen, and a naked Asuka burning his underpants.  Yet somehow, that last one sort of wipes out all the sadness he's ever experienced.

*BING* *BONG*

The door opened.

Shinji shielded himself.

"Hello, Shinji."

Shinji peaked out to see Kyoko.  *WHEW*

"Hi Mrs. Sorhyu.  Can I talk to Asuka?" Shinji said, lowering his guard.  She looked behind the door for a moment.  After mumbling something and shaking her head, Kyoko rolled her eyes and faced Shinji.

"Sorry Shinji, Asuka isn't home." She huffed.  Shinji pushed on the door.  It slammed against something on the other side that said, "Ouch!"  Suddenly a foot erupted through the wood and nailed Shinji square in the balls.  His legs were suddenly a lot longer.

"Okay." Shinji squeaked in a more girlish voice than ever.  "Can you tell her that we're suspended until the end of the week?"

"It's Saturday, Shinji." Kyoko retorted.

"Can I go home now?" Shinji squeaked.  A fist exploded through the door and sent him on his way.

=======================================================================

Elsewhere...

Rei was just walking, minding her own business, listening to a Dennis Miller rant; when suddenly, a body fell out of the sky, and landed on her.  The echo of the 'SPLAT' was heard from two meters around her just as the sound of 'Course, this is just my opinion, I could be wrong.' echoed in her earphones.

Now, Rei is mostly pretty considerate of others, but Shinji saw her panties without the aid of a Ruffee and that left her pretty pissed off about the thought of his existence.  Him being the guy who fell on her heightened that level of anger-generated heat.  So it was completely understandable that she called him a pervert and pounded his ass well into the ground.

"Ouch." He stated, and then fell unconscious.

=======================================================================

Sunday...

Gendo sat in his office, waiting loyally for the arrival of his boss.  For some reason he did not know, he sat in a sinister looking position that made him look like he was plotting something... sinister.

A little red cartoon character scuffed by the door.  Since none of you have seen him, picture the devil in the most half assed caricature you've ever seen with a floating mouth.

"Morning D." Gendo hollered from his desk.

"S'up Gendo?" called back the little sucker as he trotted into Gendo's office with a decaf in hand.

"Just thinking." responded Gendo.

"Bout Shinji and the redhead right?" asked D.

"Yup." responded Gendo.

"I think there's trouble ahead for those two." said D.

"What does god have in store for them?" pondered Gendo to himself.

"All I know is that Vicil has to screw around with them so he can flush out the story." D interjected.

"Where is he anyway?" asked Gendo.

"Over there." D pointed to a dark corner.

"God dammit, D!  I told you not to do that if you make an appearance!" shouted the writer.

"I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  Please don't send me back!  It won't happen again!  I promise." Pleaded D.

"Too bad!" shouted the writer.  D exploded all over the room in a shower of candy corn.  Gendo scooped up what could have been D's intestines and started munching.

"Can you bring him back tomorrow?" said Gendo.  "I need some help with the vending machine again."

"I'm not helping you steal from the vending machine, Gendo." Said the writer.

"Come on, man!  He's the only one that has the cartoon-ish abilities to stretch his arms." Whined Gendo.

"He's a figment of MY imagination, and he's going to stay put." Grunted the writer.  Gendo thought for a moment then came up with the answer.

"He could help you screw around with Shinji and Asuka." Gendo smiled.  The writer grunted.  "And you can use him to do your dirty work." Added Gendo.  The writer at first though it a bad idea, but then came around instantly at the thought of all the fun he could have.  The little cartoon character re-materialized out of the candy corn (minus a small bite from his tail).

"D!" the writer shouted.  D snapped to attention.  "I want you to organize all the used adult, baby, and animal diapers by the total weight of feces in each one from largest to smallest."

"WHAT?!  WHY?!" shouted D.

"For my amusement.  Then you will proceed to this residence and put in a good word for me."  D's floating mouth dropped to the ground as Vicil showed him a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Fyutsuki burst into the office, heaving his breath like he was having a heart attack.

"Morning, boss." Gendo greeted.  Fyutsuki collapsed.

And awkward silence...

"Hoo boy.  Maybe I souldn't have made him the principal." Said the writer.

"OF COURSE, YOU DUMBASS!  HE'S AN OLD MAN!  HE CAN'T HANDLE TWO JOBS!" roared D.

"Just for that, you must go into a biker bar and say 'Harley Davidson sucks'." The writer snapped.  D turned red hot, and set the floor on fire.  Gendo grabbed his unconscious boss and headed for the door.

=======================================================================

The city dump...

Shinji woke up groggier than he'd ever been in his life.  It took him a bit to get his bearings before he realized where he was.  Specifically, he tripped and fell into a stack of diapers.

"FUCK!" shouted a little red pile of bruises and swollen, floating lips.

=======================================================================

The door...

*BING* *BONG*

Kyoko opened the door.  Shinji stood, tall and pissed.

"Is Asuka home, Mrs. Sorhyu?" Shinji said through gritted teeth, then spit out a banana peel.

"Sorry, Shinji.  Asuka's not home." Kyoko replied

"Well, if you see her," said Shinji, "could you tell her that SHE SUCKS!"

The kitchen exploded in flames and Asuka came charging around the corner, ready to kill.  She neared the door and leapt at Shinji.

"DIE, YOU IMPOTENT PRICK!!!" She screamed.  Shinji held up a piece of paper.  Asuka stopped in mid air with the sound of burning rubber.  "Uh, M-Mom, could you give us a minute?" she said, as a comically sized sweat drop rolled down the side of her face.  Kyoko left without a word, not even wondering why the hell Shinji was showing Asuka a picture of him fucking a blow up doll.

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

If anyone knows about Otakusadist, you would know he is a Rei fan.  I too know, now all too well, that he is a stubborn Rei fan.  I'm sorry man, but the way you treat people is appalling.  He got all pissed off because I stated that a retarded monkey could write a Rei fic.  However, I do apologize for all the bullshit I put him through.

You know, I'll stand by that until I finish it.  And then I'll still stand by it.  I'm writing something called 'Restoration of the Soul.'  It's a fic where I insert a character and he fucks with her life.  It's the hardest way to right a Rei fic because this way, I can keep people in character.

You see, people, Rei fics are really easy to write.  She has emotion, but she doesn't know how to use them.  In hundreds of Rei fics I read, either she or Shinji nervously say something that wasn't said in the series and instantly, an unbreakable bond is welded between them that the gods themselves cannot break.  The only Rei fic, I repeat, the ONLY Rei fic I've read where Rei doesn't get Shinji is 'The One I Love Is' and why not?  If Shinji's going to get Asuka, Shinji has to deal with conflicting 'working' emotion.  As shitty as it was, I thank Alain Gravel for the being the only one to provide us with that.  But that doesn't mean I like Alain Gravel.  I have a beef with him for writing 'I Used To Love Her' and my buddy Weltall shares the same beef.  Gravel went over the line with that one.

You see I despise the use of OOC, in Asuka OR Rei fics.  The worst Asuka fic I've ever read is "Child of Love," no, anything by Axel Terizaki.  The worst Rei fic I've read is "Touch" by Random 1357.  This is why I only write continuation fics.  Nothing definite has happened and the world is your oyster.  STILL!  No one pays attention enough to the series.  Not one story I've read yet, that has a happy ending, pays enough attention to the series to write it properly.  In too many continuation fics, Asuka and Shinji die, or the end of the world didn't happen.  And in one fic, Rei is on the shore with him.  Yet every time in the alternate universe, everything is written word for word until they can go nuts.  I use EFF so I can do that, BUT I STILL PAY ATTENTION TO THE SERIES!

Well I've had it up to the top of Mt. Everest with these screw-ups and OOC's

If you want to write a serious Rei fic, use the alternate universe.  If you want to write a serious continuation fic, read this:

1) The WORLD has ended.  Not just Japan.  Cross-shaped explosions engulfed the whole thing.

2) Asuka and Shinji hate each other.  If it's going to be a love story, skip ahead two years or give it some time before they fall head over heals in love.  For them to survive, there's bomb shelters for them to live in, canned food for them to eat, plenty of stuff for them to burn, and PAY ATTENTION TO THE ARGUMENTS IN THAT EPISODE TO DEVELOPE THE PLOT.  There are hundreds of pounds of ideas in them.

3) Asuka is on the shore, not Rei.

4) Humanity can come back, but VERY slowly, probably at a rate of two hundred per year, worldwide (Two hundred tops every year.  That's about one every year for every country).

5) Asuka and Shinji DON'T want to die.  Asuka doesn't want to die, and Shinji wouldn't have come back if he did.

6) None of the Eva's can come back.

7) Asuka and Shinji did not wake up on the shore.  Shinji surfaced from the sea of LCL in front of Rei's head.  And since Asuka was unconscious before Shinji started to strangle her, Shinji would have had to find her floating in the sea, and drag her to shore.

If you want some help, I'll be your pre-reader.  You can send me the web address before you link it to your web site, or send it to me as an attachment in e-mails.

Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	5. NERV Takes A Holiday

Evangelion Fan Funny

Chapter 5: NERV Takes A Holiday

=======================================================================

I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

=======================================================================

WARNING:  Sexist, racist, violent, blah...  Let's just say don't let your kids read it.  Yeah, go let them watch that porn.  You come here and succumb to my will.

=======================================================================

There's no devil; it's just god when he drinks.

One day, God was drunk off his ass, and he accidentally created a seventeen-year-old prick that took control over his own imaginary universe.

It's down there.

Let's check it out...

...

Oh, no.  You can't leave until I say so.

=======================================================================

Part 3: Caught Between A Rock And Something Long And Hard

=========================================================

Sohryu residence...

"So... Why are you covered in shit, Shinji?" Asuka nervously said while quivering on the sofa.  Shinji suddenly grew a lot taller.  Either that or she shrunk to the size of a pea.

"Wouldn't you like to know..." Shinji scowled back.

"Eep!" Asuka squeaked.

=======================================================================

Ayanami residence...

Rei let her last piece of clothing fall to the floor, then grabbed some towels from the linen closet and proceeded across the room.  She had to get a shower after dragging the pervert to the dump.  She held onto the linens with both hands as she passed the toilet and neared the door.  Her breasts were bouncing with every step.  Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bounce – Rei stopped when she got to the shower door.

Aww poo.

Rei pushed the button for the sliding glass door.  It rolled open and she stepped inside.

Hey, wait a sec.  Why did she take the towels?

The writer entered the shower through the wall [I can do that].  "What the fu- where did she go?"  All of a sudden, the water turned on.  The writer stood still as he got drenched.  What showed on his face was not something kids should see.  He sniffed his armpit, and then he sighed.  "Aww, fuck it."  Vicil took the soap off of the shelf and started to strip.

=======================================================================

Beverly hills...

*BING* *BONG*

"Now who could that be." Said Freddy Prince Jr.  He strutted up to the door in a manly-man way.  At the door was a midget in a black trench coat and detective-like hat.  "Can I help you?"

"Is the lady of the house home?" said the midget.

"No," Freddy retorted, "is there something I can do?"

"Mr. Prince, this is of the utmost importance."  Said the midget.

"Who are you?" Stated Freddy, throwing a little venom in his voice.

"Just call me Shorty.  And give that to your boss." Said the little sucker.

"Okay I will." Freddy retorted.  The little guy walked away.  Freddy stayed at the door.  The midget came back and handed Freddy a note from his pocket.  "Thank you." Said Freddy with his movie star smile.

"Yeah." replied the midget nervously.

"You know that she's my fiancé, right." Said Freddy.

"Trust me, Mr. Prince," responded Shorty, "You better stay the fuck away from her, now."

"Kay." Freddy closed the door.  Shorty stood there for a moment, and then breathed a sigh of relief.

"Boy, that was easier than I thought!" he said before he tossed away his trench coat and hat.  D strutted down the walkway to the front gate.  A hulk in a black suit walked up to him.  "High, uh..." D looked at the guy's name-tag, "Jimmy the Fish... uh, oh."  Jimmy smiled evilly.

D spent the next several hours having assorted car parts shoved up his ass by a polite Italian security guard.

=======================================================================

Suzahara residence...

Touji Suzahara...

A normal, fourteen-year-old boy...

He has grown up in Tokyo-3 with his ever-long friend, Kensuke Aida, and an old, new friend from Kyoko, Shinji Ikari.  But now, a fate worse than death is going to hit him like a ton of bricks.  Something so far out of his control that his only course of action will be to submit to his new enemies will; and this enemy's name is...

Puberty...

"Touji, you're a stupid, ignorant pig and you smell!"  Shouted Hikari from outside his house as she passed by.

'Whoa... Hikari's awesome...' thought Touji as he gazed longingly out the window.  He turned back to his TV show and slowly slouched into the sofa so that he could see straight down his body.

"AHH!!!  MOM!!!  THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY PANTS!!!"

=======================================================================

Sohryu residence...

Asuka was sweating uncontrollably.  Shinji loomed over her.  The light in the ceiling was keenly positioned behind his head making his features unrecognizable.  He leaned down so he could continue his intimidation.  She tried to escape from her imprisonment on the sofa by scooting around him, but Shinji smacked his arm on the back of the couch, boxing her in on the side by his arm and the armrest.

"Whacha doin' with the picture, Asuka?" he grunted.

"What picture?" she retorted nervously.

A film noir spotlight clicked on above Shinji.  He stood up straight and looked at me.

"Oh, I knew she was nervous.  I made her that way.  But I had to find out what was going on.  Why did she have the picture?  What did she give Misato?  And most importantly, what was she doing with my underpants?"

Shinji returned to his looming position and the spotlight went off.

"You know what I'm talkin' about, Asuka.  Whacha been doin' with a picture of me fuckin' a rubber blow up Miasto?" he grunted back at her.

The spotlight clicked on again.  Asuka slid between Shinji's legs, looked at his ass, and stepped into the spotlight.

"Oh, I knew what he was diggin' at, but how did he get his hands on it?  He had me on the spot.  But I knew if I kept playin' dumb, he'd give it up.  He always does."

Asuka slid back into position and the spotlight went off.

"I don't know nothin!'" Asuka spit back.

"Oh yeah?" growled Shinji

"Yeah..." snarled Asuka.

"If two trains [insert typical math equation that has been used in every movie and TV show known to man] collide?" Shinji lashed.

Asuka paused for a moment.  "The backseat of a pimp's car under a collapsed bridge in downtown New York on the corner of 26th and 48th at 1:28 AM, June 1st, 2017."

"HA!" Shinji cheered victoriously.

The spotlight went back on.  Asuka stepped into it.

"Damn.  He got me again.  How did he do that?  Does he possibly have the ability to read minds?  I'm going to have to use something drastic.  Logic."

Spotlight off.

"So what if I know the fundamental principles of... that?  What does that have to do with anything?" Asuka shot back.

"Don't stray from the subject at hand.  And while we're at it, what were you doing with my underpants?" Shinji growled.

Spotlight on.  Asuka.

"Oh, no!  He's found out about the undies!  I can't let him know anymore!"

Spotlight off.

"I don't know what you're takin' bout, Shinji!" Asuka shouted.

Spotlight on.  Shinji.

"She's playin' hardball, alright.  But I wouldn't let her go until all the questions were answered."

Asuka sprayed Shinji in the face with some kind of pink smoke.  Shinji fell to the floor, unconscious.  Asuka stepped into the spotlight.

"That'll teach him to use a comedy device."

Asuka grabbed his legs and dragged him into the darkness.

Kyoko stepped into the spotlight

"I have no idea what to do about dinner.  The kitchen has burned down."

=======================================================================

The park...

Kensuke waited patiently for Touji to come.  He had sounded so psychotic on the phone, so he figured it was important.

"Kensuke!"  Shouted a voice behind him.  Kensuke spun around to find none other than Hikari.  "Where the hell is Touji?!"

"What are you doing here, Hikari?"  Kensuke asked.

"Never mind!" shot back Hikari.  "Where, the fuck, is Touji?!"

"Kensuke!" shouted Touji.  Kensuke spun around to Touji.

"What, Touji?  What?" Kensuke shouted.

"Kensuke, something strange is happening to my body!" screamed Touji in distress.

Kensuke whipped out a ball glove, ready to catch the alien the second it popped out of his friend's chest.  "Don't worry buddy, I'll get him!"

Touji smacked Kensuke.  "Not that, dumb-ass!  Whenever I look at Hikari, something pokes out of my pants!"  He started jiggling his belt.  "I'll show you!"

"AHH!!!"  Kensuke's eyes burst into flames and all of his pimples exploded at once.  Hikari got aroused.  Then she realized she was staring and kicked it.  Touji decided against moving for a while, however, Hikari though Touji still had something to learn from this experience.  She proceeded to bludgeon him into the grass.

=======================================================================

Somewhere dark...

Shinji awoke like he did every morning: from sleep.  His vision was blurry; his muscles were tired; and he would have been hard, but he didn't have to pee.  Also it was cold.

"Brrr." he winced as a cold chill ran up his back.  He attempted to reach for the covers, but he felt a pressure on his wrist restrain his hand.  Shinji blinked a few times and tried to focus in the darkness.  He used his other hand to feel it out, but it was restrained as well.  He looked at it but he couldn't see in the darkness.  He tried to struggle, but he found all of his limbs to be restrained.  "What the..."

A spotlight went on above him.  He looked himself over...

Shinji was naked and handcuffed to a cold metal plank welded to a circular stand bolted to the floor.  Above him were a circle of surveillance cameras and a robot with a camera talking dirty to him and snapping pictures.

"Oh yes, baby.  Give it to me now." It said through its synthetic voice box.  *CLICK* *CLICK* *CLICK*

"DWAHH!" Shinji squealed.  He hid his shame between his legs.

Another spotlight went on, revealing a high monolith with some kind of a terminal at the top.  A lone, tiny figure at the top stepped up to the balcony overlooking Shinji.  It pushed a button.  Suddenly, the robot was sucked into a hole in the wall.

"Yeah, baby.  Yeah." was its final message.

"Thank you!"  Shinji shouted to the top of the monolith.

"Hmm.  No, that won't do." Murmured the mysterious figure at the top.  It pressed another button.  Suddenly, a ray gun flew out of the darkness and pointed straight at 'little Shinji.'  The plank jutted up perpendicular to the ground.

"What the hell are you doing?!"  Shinji screamed.  The ray gun started to charge.  "NOOOOO!"  Shinji screamed.  The ray gun blasted the little guy.  "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji screamed, yet again.

'Little Shinji' doubled in size.

"ALL RIGHT!" Shinji cheered at his brand new ten inches.  The robot crawled out of the hole and held up its camera.  Shinji thrust out his pelvis.  *CLICK*

"Excellent." Said the figure at the top.  It flipped a switch.  Suddenly, a burst of smoke flared up.  When it dissipated, the figure was gone.  There was an enormous *CLANK* and then a *WHIRRRRR...*

The sound started increasing.  Shinji followed it with his ears down the tower as the spotlight slid slowly down the side.  The light stopped on Shinji's floor, revealing a reinforced steel door.

It opened.

A cloud of mist flooded out of the entry then began casually floating around him.  An eye materialized out of the mist and winked at him.  Suddenly, the figure burst through the eye gagging for breath and flailing its arms before collapsing on the floor.

Prolonged silence...

Another poor soul's head exploded and he crashed a plane full of screaming passengers into a mountain...

The figure, shadowed by the mist, snapped to its feet.  The mist got out of the way.

Asuka stood proudly with widespread legs and her hands on her hips.  She puffed out her chest, which not only complimented the tight fitting red-rubber PJ's that made her boobs look bigger, but made her boobs look bigger.

"Asuka, HELP!" Shinji shouted, being as stupid as ever.

=======================================================================

Katsuragi residence...

Like in Rei's bathroom, Vicil got drenched when he went to see why Misato disappeared behind the sliding glass door with towels in hand.

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

"Shinji," Asuka said, "You have stumbled onto something beyond your comprehension.  I'm afraid I cannot risk you having further involvement."

"Huh?" Shinji said confused.

Another spotlight went on above a toilet in the corner.  "Oh for god sake!" It shouted.

"DWAHH!" Shinji screamed.

Asuka smacked him.  "Enough with the 'DWAHH'S' moron!"

"Shut up, both of you!" rasped the toilet.

"Asuka, if you would just tell Shinji that you're..."

*BLAM*

"SHUT UP, AUDIENCE!" Asuka screamed, clutching an oozy.  Absolute silence followed.  Asuka tossed the gun aside with satisfaction.  "Mr. SEELE, please continue."

"Thank you." Said the toilet.  "Shinji!"

"Uh, yes, Mr., uh, toilet-man?" Shinji stammered.

"TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."

Shinji paused for a moment to comprehend that a toilet just said that to him.  "Uh...  Well, I just want to know what Asuka gave Misato on Tuesday if she gave me the picture."

"What?!  I didn't give you that!" Asuka shouted.

"Yes you did.  You crumpled it up and threw it at me." Shinji retorted.  Asuka was about to counter, but she remembered what happened three months/five days ago, and smacked herself on the forehead.

"It was an apology note from her mother for the fight on Monday." Said the toilet.

"What?  That's it?" shouted everybody in the audience.

"Yeah!  Stupid!" shouted Asuka.

Shinji paused again.  "I guess that's understandable... but that's what makes it all..."

"Normal?" interjected the toilet.

"Yeah..." said Shinji.

A shiver ran up everyone's spine.

"Quick!" said Weltall, "We need something stupid!"

Asuka pounced on Shinji and gave him the best hand-job he's ever had.

"No!  Not yet!" shouted the writer.  Asuka reluctantly hopped off Shinji.  Shinji whined.

A troll lumbered out of the darkness, set down his hammer, pulled out a newspaper and sat on the toilet.  "A little privacy please?"  The spotlight above the throne of the soul went off.

The sound of a lot of muscle straining could be heard followed by a brown fog...

=======================================================================

Usagi's shower...

"You know... I'm starting to suspect this thing's slipping through my fingers." Vicil said as he stood in a running shower with no Sailor Moon, who, coincidentally, did not take towels in with her.

=======================================================================

Wendy's...

D hobbled up to the fast food restaurant clerk.  "Excuse me, can you tell me why the washrooms are locked?" he asked the pizza-faced kid.

"Washroom's are for paying customers only." The kid honked through his asthma-infested nose.

"Since when?!" D shouted.

"Since some guy dumped a burger from Arby's down the toilet.  We're still trying to flush out that... that... tha..." the kid took a joint from his inhaler, "that stall."

"*SIGH* Fine!  I'll have a coke and a spicy-chicken sandwich!" D rasped.

"You want fries with that?" said that clerk

"No." D grunted.

"If you get the fries, it's a dollar off the combo." pried the kid.

"JUST GIVE ME MY MOTHER FUCKIN' BURGER!!!" D screamed.

The entire restaurant went silent.  Two babies started to cry and one little boy said, "Mommy, can I haves a 'mother fuckin' burger?"

"Uh, a coke and a spicy-chicken?" winced the clerk.

"Yeah." D grunted.

"$4.95, sir." D slammed down thirty-six million yen.  "And your change comes to $2.86.  It'll be ready in about two minutes."

"Now, may I go the washroom?" D glowered.

"Sure." Said the kid.  He tosses D his set of keys.

"Thank you.  Now if you'll excuse me, I got me a muffler to pass." D hobbled off.  He stopped and turned to the clerk.  "If I find any spit in my burger, I'll kick your ass!"

"Yes, sir" said the clerk.  D hobbled off.  Once he rounded the corner, the clerk turned to the kitchen staff.  "Hey, Lenny!  You've got herpes, right?"

"Yeah!"

"Come spit in this guy's coke!"

=======================================================================

Tournament of the Gods...

"Fuck!" cursed the writer.  "That Azuki bitch isn't here either!"

"Azuki?!"  Sid whipped aside the curtains.  "Who the hell are you?!"

"No time to explain!" Shouted the writer.  Sid was sucked out of the room by some unseen force.  "I have to get back to work!"

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

"Ugh!" moaned the toilet.  "He left a floater!"  The lever pulled itself down.

FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

"Ahhh..." sighed the toilet.  "Now!  Shinji, can I ask you a question?"  Shinji simply nodded; trying to get past the enormous shit stains on the seat.  "Shinji, how do you feel?"

=======================================================================

Inside Shinji...

"Enemy sighted, dead ahead!"

"We've been hit with insensitivity and sarcasm torpedoes."

"What's the status on the restraints?!"

"Not budging!  Chafing process has begun.  Escape procedures useless!"

"Damn!  We're sitting ducks here!"

"Switching to motor functions.  Attempting to break loose."

"Belay that Order!"

"Sir?!"

"The ship is too weak to handle it.  We're going to have to deploy the offences."

"Is that wise sir?  The ship can't handle rebound in this situation."

"What should we do?  Sit here with our thumbs up our butts and take damage?"

"But sir!  The offenses leave the ship too vulnerable!"

"And we can't risk a discharge.  The energy levels are too dense!"

"We have no other choice!"

"But sir!"

"That's an order, Caution!"

"Sir..."

"Charge the medulla oblongata!"

"No need sir."

"Position the spine!"

"The technicians can't lock it in!"

"Can we proceed without the locks?"

"Yes, but..."

"Keep the techs on the situation.  We're going with it like it is."

"If it's knocked off center, we'll lose control of the medulla!"

*RING*

"Hello... Yes sir!"

*CLICK*

"The orders are to engage the medulla!"

"Sir!"

"All right, on my mark... 2... 1... FIRE!"

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

Shinji looked up.  "Excuse me?" he said skeptically.

"How do you feel about stuff, Shinji?" clarified the toilet.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Shinji grunted.

"It means whatever you want it to mean, Shinji." Said the toilet.

Shinji sat up on the plank.  "Oh yeah?  Well fuck you!"

"Excuse me?" said the toilet.

"You heard me.  Fuck you!" Shinji shouted.

"Why?" said the toilet.

"You know damn well why!" Shinji lashed at the toilet.

"What did I do?" Said the toilet.

"You know!" Shinji shouted.

"No, I don't know Shinji."

"BULLSHIT!"

"What did I do Shinji?"

"Fuck you, toilet-man!"

"Shinji, where is this coming from?"

"Fuck you!"

"Shinji, how have I wronged you?"

"Fuck you, ass-funnel!"

The spotlight above the toilet turned red.  "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE SHIT!"  Shinji yelped out in fear and shut his mouth tight.

=======================================================================

Inside Shinji...

"DIRECT HIT!"

"Sir!  Fear is in the air ducts!  He's fucking up the system!"

"The spine has broken free!"

"We're losing power!"

"Get the techs on the spine shift before the subconscious is loosed!"

"Sir!  There's a problem with the medulla!"

"Oh for god sake!  What now?!"

"Caution has jammed the system.  Energy levels rising to red-line!"

"Not a comeback!"

"Point of view and aggression are pooling together!"

"The compression chamber can't take much more!"

"Get that spine in place NOW!  Self-respect!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Get Caution away from the medulla!  Throw him in the suppression chamber with bad-memory!"

"What about Fear?"

"Close off that area and make a loud noise.  After that, you can leave him alone, he won't do anything."

"Sir!"

"Courage!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Man the offences with Touchy and Articulate!  Where the hell is Rational thought?!"

"He's in sickbay with Logic."

"Dammit!  How are the barriers for the subconscious?"

"We're down to four!  It's fighting its way through!"

"Keep it there!  I'm not going to lose full control.

"We never had any to begin with..."

"Shut up, Self-doubt!  Self-confidence!"

"Sir!"

"Take the helm!  I'm going to assist Articulate with the comeback.  And get Rational-thought up here!"

"Yes sir, Major Intellect, sir!"

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

Seeing that he had scared the boy, the toilet grew softer.  "I'm sorry Shinji.  I really don't like being called an ass-funnel."  Shinji turned away.  "Shinji what have I done to hurt you."

Shinji's teeth started to grind...  "I'll tell you what you did..."

=======================================================================

Inside Shinji...

*WOOP* *WOOP*

"All systems overloading!"

"Ego check now!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!"

"Subconscious has broken through the third barrier!"

"Emergency discharge!"

"We can't!  The spine isn't in place yet!"

"Intellect hasn't given the okay either!"

"The compression chamber is sucking up all the power!  We have to keep the subconscious inside!"

"Sir!"

"Let's just hope the ego can keep us together!  On my mark!  2!  1!  MARK!"

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

"I'll tell you!  Your just trying to screw up my head, aren't you?!  Just playing a little game to make me mess up so that you can make fun of me!  You're just like the rest of them!  You're just going to laugh at me and pick on me and you'll never leave me alone!  Just leave me alone!  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

=======================================================================

Inside Shinji...

"What did you do?!"

"Sir, the subconscious was breaking through.  We had to divert power."

"I wasn't finished with the comeback!  And now we've lost pressure!  You idiot!"

"I'm sorry sir!"

"Intellect!  All defenses have shut down!  Vulnerability has infiltrated the system!"

"We're helpless now!  You dumb shit!  I needed two more seconds and I could have scared them off!  You have doomed us all!!!"

"Sir!  The enemy has discharged a comfort shell!"

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

"Shinji, we don't want to hurt you." Said the toilet.

=======================================================================

Inside Shinji...

"Shut down hearing!  If it gets in here we're done for!"

"Too late!  The signal has reached the brain!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

...

...

... FULL SYSTEM REBOOT.

"Welcome ambassador toilet."

"It's great to be aboard.  Do you know where I can find ambassador Asuka?"

"Sure.  Follow Recent-memory.  He'll fill you in."

"Thank you.  So what is the situation?"

"Up until recently, ambassador Asuka was a questionable passenger.  She seems to alternate between friendly and back-stabber quite often, but five days ago she was thrown in the brig for repetitive abuse.  Shortly after, guilt freed her following a complete paradigm shift of ambassador Asuka.  She has been detained in her quarters until we can completely decipher this new version of the ambassador."

"She has more layers than her previous counterpart, doesn't she?"

"Yes.  The puberty upgrades have been wreaking havoc on our systems, and we now have a cease-fire with all kinds of scum."

"Yes... the boy's growing up."

"Indeed.  Hatred of Girls was the first to go."

"Oh, the poor guy."

"We'll never meet another one like him."

"Hey, while we're here, I would like to introduce myself to ambassador Touji and ambassador Kensuke."

"I'm sorry, but I'm too young to go there.  Your going to have to ask Long-term memory if you want to see them."

"The boy's not gay, is he?"

"No, but those two create situations I should be nowhere near."

=======================================================================

Inside the dark place...

"We want to talk to you, Shinji." Said the toilet in a calm voice.  "That's all.  We just wanted to talk to you."

Right about now, Shinji was feeling more stupid than he had ever felt before.  The mere fact he had jumped to conclusions about a simple gesture of friendship was very silly in his mind, and the blush on his face burned like hot coals.  "Why?  Since when have I been worth talking to?  The only ones who have ever shown genuine concern are the few friends I have.  And while Asuka seems deftly interested in everything I say that's not a defense, she beats me up when I ask anything about her."  Asuka suddenly realized she was once again being included in the development of the chapter, and she quickly threw aside her game of Solitaire.

"Hmm... I can understand that." Responded the toilet.  "People only use me for relief too."

"Really?" Shinji asked, looking up from the plank.

"Yeah.  You wouldn't believe how insensitive people can be to genius minds of toilets.  Some people are so horrible as to leave the bowl without flushing." Explained the toilet.

"I can see how toilets would be smarter than us." Said Shinji, resting his head on the plank and staring into the spotlight.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" snapped the toilet.

=======================================================================

Inside toilet...

"Situation has been reversed!  All control of the exchange has gone out the window!"

"Hold it, Mayjor Intellect."

"But captain Rational-thought!"

"No buts.  Let's see what he meant by that."

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

"I just meant that since we do the most thinking on the throne, the toilet itself would be constantly thinking about stuff." Rephrased Shinji.

"Oh."

=======================================================================

Inside toilet...

"False alarm everyone."

=======================================================================

In the dark place...

"So what kinds of things do you think about Shinji?" Asuka interrupted, trying to make herself known.

"Well, uh..." Shinji trailed off.

"Don't be nervous, Shinji." Said the toilet.  "We're all friends here."

And Shinji was completely under their spell.  While Shinji did have friends, he was never truly comfortable with sharing his true emotions.  His thoughts, like how the Indianapolis 500 doesn't have any crosswalks; and how everyone likes the smell of honey, but no one wears it as a cologne; and how time seems to move so damn slow.  He poured his soul out of him.  So many years of suppression and repression fell from the floodgate that could not be closed.  And even though he was still naked and bolted to a cold metal plank, talking to a toilet and a questionable friend in sexy rubber PJ's, he was completely comfortable with the situation; which could only ever occur in a story like this.  But Shinji was unaware of the actual motives of his two partners in conversation.  Asuka and toilet were waiting for the perfect moment to put the plan into action.  And before you could say "diddley-squat..."

"And then she put the ketchup on the friiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeees!!!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  And I told her I didn't want the ketchup *SNIFF* but she put it on because she wanted me to try iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhhhhhh!!!  Mommy put the ketchup all over the whole plate *SNIFFLE* and then she made me eat it aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll!!!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"  A shallow pool of water started to become noticeable around the knees of the gang.

Asuka herself was not in much better shape.  "That is so saaaaaaahaaahaaad!!!"  Moved by Shinji's story of abuse, Asuka was on her knees next to Shinji's plank with a tissue in hand.  *HONK* Needless to say, she wasn't going to do anything evil.

"Shinji, that is so sad." said toilet while trying to but as much sincerity into his voice as possible.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji whimpered.  
"Shinji, try to calm down." Said toilet.

"People suck!" Asuka sobbed.

"Asuka, get a hold of yourself." Said toilet.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" they screamed in unison.

"Oh god..." sighed the toilet.  "Okay, kids, if we could just calm down for a moment, I know of a way to make it all go away."

Asuka and Shinji choked back their whimpering to hear what the toilet was going to say.

"How about a nice... pleasant... round of..." the spotlight above the toilet shut off and a floor light under the toilet turned on in front of it, "... hypnosis.  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA."

Asuka silently nodded and went off to retrieve a pocket watch.

Shinji looked questionably at the toilet.  "Hypnosis?  What for?"

"It great for getting rid of those pesky memories..." replied the toilet, sinisterly.

Asuka stepped out of the darkness.  "I couldn't find a watch.  Will a sleep ray do?"

"I guess it's as good as anything." Said the toilet.

Asuka pointed the gun at Shinji.  "What the hell are you doing?" was his final message before a big hammer came out of the barrel and bonked him on the head.

"So, how much do you need this time?" said toilet.

"I need him to forget about everything that happened this week." Asuka replied.

Since the toilet was unable to smack his head, being without any appendages, he just criticized her.  "For god sake, Asuka!  How many times do I have to do this until you get up enough nerve to ask him?"

"Just give me some time, this is a very sensitive issue for me." She shot back.

"No, forget it Asuka.  This is the last time.  My life doesn't revolve around you keeping your secret obsession!" Snapped the toilet.

"And what would you be without me?  You'd be just another shit-eater like your friends."

"It's better than living with your poor ass toilet!  She hangs onto me all the time!  I'm giving you one month, Asuka.  One month to ask him out, or I'll tell him what's on the north wall."

*BOOM*

A noise resonating from the darkness echoed all around them.  Shinji snapped the consciousness.  "Huh?  What?  What's going on?"

Asuka whirled around to see her victim awake again.  She snapped the sleep ray level to his head and was just about to shoot him when a shower of debris came down upon them.  An errant stone knocked the gun out of her hand, and just as it clattered to the ground, the toilet was crushed under a huge chunk of rock.

"What the hell?!" Shinji screamed.

Suddenly, klaxons started wailing in the darkness.  Asuka snapped her head upright to see what was the noise was coming from, and she suddenly realized that she was about to face her worst fear.  "Oh god..." she groaned.

A low hum began to vibrate the ground they stood on.  Emergency lights above started to snap into action, revealing more and more as the darkness was chased away by the red lights from above.  The room they were in seemed to stretch further and further as more lights came to life.  As the last of the illumination revealed the immensity, Shinji lay on his plank, flabbergasted by the awe.

To his right was what looked like a stereotypical government base of operations.  Vast computer terminals laid out in a circular patter of at least twenty balconies, each the height of two meters above each other, surrounded an enormous screen, stretching to a size larger than that of a drive in theatre.  Hundreds of holographic screens littered the empty airspace.  Half of them keeping a vigil of selected areas of the city.  Shinji recognized many of them as places he had visited in the past.  The rest displayed several charts and graphs of all kinds.  Error and warning messages on holographic screens started popping out of nowhere.  And projected on the enormous screen itself was Shinji, naked and restrained for all the world to see.  The image was constantly flashing to different angles.  Shinji looked above himself to see that the circle of cameras, which had previously seemed stationary, were zipping around everywhere, levitating, avoiding the hail of debris raining down on them.  All of the lenses were pointed directly at him, even as they zoomed around like a swarm of moths.

As he was looking up, the ceiling stretched far beyond the confines of the walls of the room, or hall.  Above him was a vast, circular Amphitheatre.  Millions of A/S fans were leaning forward, watching the action below them with great attention.  Many of them seemed to be taking notes.

To his left, was the most astonishing site he had ever seen.  An enormous wall, covered from head to toe with thousands of paintings, computer generated images, drawings, sketches and posters of Shinji making love to Asuka.  Everywhere there was space left, photographs of Shinji were pinned to the wall.  At the base of it, finely carved statues and sculptures of Shinji and Asuka were displayed all around the main floor.  And far from the wall was a single, leather, reclining chair, keenly placed to be able to have the view of the whole thing in one's line of sight.  Next to the chair was a small shelf with a small display of assorted oils and a single pair of binoculars.  Right in the center of the wall, near the floor, was apparently the source of the debris.  A smoldering cloud of dust poured out across the art.

And finally, behind him was a single door, with an assortment of clothing hanging in front of it; Asuka's clothing.

Shinji whirled around to see Asuka, looking at him with a desperate expression, as if she was hoping for something specific to come of this.  She gathered a breath, and weakly spoke five simple words.

"Uh...  Welcome to my closet, Shinji." She said with a nervous smile.

Shinji just looked at her with a slack jaw.

=======================================================================

In the kitchen...

Kyoko finally came to her senses.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

=======================================================================

Asuka's closet...

"Asuka..." Shinji slowly wimpered, still in shock as to the whirlwind of new information, theories, doubts and imagery whirling around in his mind, "... what the hell is going on?"

Asuka stood as quiet as Shinji.  However she was trying to come up with an explanation she could give to him.  But before she could formulate anything, a low rumble started to vibrate the hall with an even larger intensity than before.  More than anything that could have been created in that place.  As if on cue, hundreds of figures began charging out of the cloud of dust on the north wall.  The cloud dissipated, revealing a large cave in the wall, in which millions of women and men of all ages and races and worlds were flooding out of.  And among the ones in front were the variety of women that every Asuka and Shinji fan fears.  Sailor moon and the sailor scouts, Princess Mononoke, Azuki, Hobuki, Relina Peacecraft, Princess Rouge, Naga, Ranma and the gang, Bulma, Chichi, 18, Pink, Selena, Hitomi, The Dirty Pair, The New Angels, Misty, Misato, rubber-Misato, rubber-Asuka, and Rei leading them all.  "Get away from my man, bitch!" they chorused collectively.

Asuka slowly began to back away, then she quickly pivoted and bolted toward Shinji.  She grabbed the plank and began to jerk and pull as hard as she could.  With a mighty CLANK, she tore the steel from its stand that was bolted to the floor.

"Whoa!" Shinji yelped.

Lifting Shinji over her head, she made a mad dash to the closet door, but before she could reach for the handle, the door quickly slid to the side.  Kyoko stood in the doorframe, blocking their path.  Asuka skidded to a halt.  She twisted around quickly to attempt another way, but the mob had already closed the gap between their target.  As Rei got to a short distance, she and the others slowed to a walk, closing in on their pray.  Asuka and Shinji were surrounded.

"Well, Asuka..." Rei spoke.  She waved her hand to the army, signaling them to stop, then she began to step forward aggressively, "... are you going to give him up, or what?"

Asuka began to breathe more and more heavily.  She gritted her teeth and drew in one more breath.  "No!  You can't have him!  He belongs to me!"

Shinji and Kyoko both drew in a sharp gasp.

"What?!  You have a boyfriend too?!" screamed Kyoko in astonishment.

Shinji started slamming the back of his head against the plank in an effort to wake up.

=======================================================================

Wendy's...

D placed his tray on the table and flopped down in a booth.  He opened his mouth wide for a big bite of his burger and sank his teeth into the bread.  As his mouth tore the bite from the sandwich, he instantly began to feel the effects of the spices in the breaded chicken.  He grabbed for his coke and gulped down a hefty slug of the solution.  It wasn't until a huge, gooey, lump of something hit the back of his throat that he started to gag.  He started coughing and hocking violently in an effort to get the lump from his throat before he swallowed it.  He smacked his chest as hard as he could, and out plopped a yellow loogie the size of a turtle.

Two of the clerks at the counter reared back in laughter and high fived.

D whirled around at the yahoo's giggling at his expense.  "That's it." he growled.  With both hands, he picked up the tray and whipped it out the window.  The clerks were silenced when they saw their victim hopping across the tables like Indiana Jones.  With one leap, he closed the gap.  He grabbed the Asthma clerk by the collar, swung him around his shoulder, and rammed his head up the other clerk's ass.

"HELLO!!!" screamed the other clerk as he felt his sphincter rip in half.

D hopped off the counter and stomped out of the restaurant.

=======================================================================

Asuka's closet...

"Give it up Asuka.  None of the others have gotten away, what makes you think you will?" Rei commanded.

Asuka still wouldn't surrender her Shinji.  She hadn't obsessed with him for this long to just to give him up to a crazy army of women.  "What do you want with him?" Asuka growled

"Revenge." Rei stated.  "For years, the defenders of the Asuka/Shinji fan fiction have done nothing but ridicule us and flame us.  Ever since the damn thing ended in 1998, the insolence of people like your writer have stood against the movement for freedom of choice for who gets Shinji in the end of the story.  Well NO MORE!  We're going to put an end to all of your precious fantasy fulfillments!"  She lifted her arms in the air.  "ARE YOU WITH ME!!!"  An enormous chorus of cheer went up amongst the army.  "WE WANT SHINJI JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO, AND WE'RE GOING TO TAKE HIM BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!" Shinji screamed.  "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY LIVES AT ALL?!!"  Rei just humfed.

He snapped his head down towards his courier.  "AND YOU, ASUKA!!!  IF YOU WERE SO DAMN HOT FOR ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?!!  WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH FOR TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE IF THIS IS WHAT YOU DO IN YOU SPARE TIME?!!"  He used his head to motion to the wall full of pictures of him.

"I..." Asuka stammered.

"WAS IT SUCH A PROBLEM TO SAY, 'Shinji, will you go out with me?' INSTEAD OF MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL?!!"

"I..."

"WAS I SUCH A PATHETIC PERSON THAT BEING SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH ME AS ANYTHING MORE THAN A PUPPET WAS A DISGRACE TO YOUR REPUTATION AS A BITCH?!!"

"WHAT?!!" Snapped Kyoko

"It's true, Mrs. Sorhyu." said Shinji, matter of factly.

"I..." Asuka stammered

"WAS BEATING ME PRACTICALLY ALL THE TIME AN ACT TO COVER UP YOU STUPID OBSESSION?!!"

"I..."

"TELL THE TRUTH, ASUKA!!!"

"I LOVE YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!!"  Asuka threw the plank to the floor.  Shinji was jerked down by the restraints and he slammed down louder than the CLANK of the plank hitting the floor.  "I'M HEAD OVER HEALS, OVER THE MOON, ROMEO AND JULLIET, CALVIN KLEIN OBSESSED WITH YOU!!!  YOU'RE STUCK IN MY HEAD LIKE THE BARNY SONG!!!  I'VE WRITTEN LETTERS!!!  I'VE PAINTED PICTURES!!!  I'VE CARVED STATUES!!!  I BUILT A TWENTY-FOUR-HOUR SURVAILANCE SYSTEM FOR THE SOUL PERPOSE OF LOOKING AT YOU!!!  I JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD, AND I CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS BUSY ENOUGH TO HOLD OFF FROM PLEASURING MYSELF WHILE THINKING ABOUT YOU!!!  I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING!!!  I CAN'T HELP IT!!!  I'M IN LOVE!!!"  She grabbed a hand full of confetti in each hand and threw it in the air, then she reached behind her back and whipped out a blow up doll of Shinji himself and looked at the audience.  "Anal sex only.  I am saving myself for him."

Kyoko fainted.  The entire army of Shinji fan's jaws dropped through the floor.  And Shinji, who had completely underestimated his opinion of Asuka, began to drool.

"Uh... Anyhoo..." Asuka tossed the doll aside and grabbed Shinji.  "Gotta go!"  She whipped out a slap-on emergency exit (a cartoon hole), threw it against a wall and leapt into the abyss.  An arm then reached out of the hole, grabbed the edge, and pulled it through itself.

"Uh... AFTER THEM!" shouted Rei.  Fourteen women ran straight into a wall, and knocked themselves unconscious.  "Shit!"  Suddenly, Rei heard a strange whistling above her head.  She looked up to see a string of floating cameras zip out the closet door.  "Follow those cameras!" Rei commanded.

Kyoko was trampled by the horny army.

=======================================================================

Elsewhere...

"Please, Teri, eat your carrots." Shinji begged his daughter.

Teri had been gurgling and whining all day.  Shinji had literally tried everything he could to find what was ailing her; he was at his wit's end.  He had been doing nothing but changing diapers, checking for fever, burping, rocking her to sleep and making funny faces.  But when he attempted to feed her, Teri always pulled away from the spoon.  Asuka had recently stopped breastfeeding, and Teri was putting up quite a fight for her old sustenance.  Shinji's patience was growing thinner every minute.  It had been so much easier when his father was trying to take the child from him, but even the simplest task of feeding was amplified to a quest against injustice.

'If she keeps this up, I swear I'm going to pry her mouth open.' Shinji thought absentmindedly.  At that, Teri started to cry violently.  The poor girl must have been reading his mind again.  "I'm sorry, Teri," he said aloud, "I didn't mean it.  But you must eat you food."  Teri's cry was silenced by her father's tender explanation, but the cutest frown of refusal that showed on her face was something that couldn't help but make Shinji laugh.

It wasn't until his loving wife's arms encircled his child that he realized she was in the room.  "Oh, I didn't see you come in."

"That's okay." She grunted as she lifted Teri and cradled her in her arms.  Asuka playfully began to tickle her daughter's tummy, rewarding her with the small giggle she was hoping for.  She carried Teri into the den and gingerly sat on the end of the sofa.  Her face contorted into a false frown as she glared at the young one.  "You are being very stubborn." she said playfully.  Young Teri only stare back at her, confused.  The confusion, however, turned to relief as she saw Asuka begin to lift her shirt.

Shinji came into the room after cleaning up the mess Teri had left on her high chair.  He flopped down next to Asuka with his arm around her shoulder.  "Why is it," he asked, "that you always have to spoil her?"

"She hasn't eaten all day, Shinji." Asuka replied.

"Well, unless we keep trying to get her to eat, she'll start to think she can get away with things."  Shinji said tiredly.

Asuka noticed her husband's expression and tried to comfort him.  "Are you hungry?" she smiled.

Shinji's expression turned to something rather devilish.  "Yeah." He said coyly.  "I'll have what she's having."  He quickly bent down and blew a raspberry on Asuka's belly.  Asuka yelped out in surprise of titillation and tried to fend off her frisky partner with her free hand.

[Can I WAFF with the best or what?]

Suddenly, the door crashed open.  On the other side was what appeared to be a mob of women.  "There he is!" one of them shouted.  They charged in and tore Shinji away from Asuka.  Shinji began to violently thrash in their grasp, but one of his captors jabbed a needle in his neck, injecting some kind of tranquilizer.  Shinji slumped in their arms.  Asuka put down her daughter and charged at the mob.

*PUNCH*

She was nailed across the face and crashed through the wall into the kitchen.  She slid across the table and rolled onto the floor, unconscious.

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Stay tuned for EVANGELION FAN FUNNY CHAPTER 6: MOB MENTALITY!!! The horny army spreads out across the fan fiction universe, stealing Shinji's wherever they go, and the Asuka's without the powers of comedy are quickly falling under EFF's cartoony mob.  Shinji and Asuka are on the run.  Touji breaks out in acne.  D gets pissed off.  Kaworu goes through a drastic change.  And Vicil falls victim to his own creation.

Oh, and for people who don't watch Lenno, Sarah Michelle Gellar is engaged to Freddy Prince Jr.

Thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	6. Mob Mentality

Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 6: Mob Mentality 

=======================================================================

Not that it's any of your business, but I think the time that guy from that movie had that thing with that girl from that other movie while this thing was going on in both movies was the Robes Pierre of suck.

=======================================================================

Damn right!

=======================================================================

INSERT STANDARD DISCLAIMER ABOUT NOT BEING SUED

=======================================================================

Introducing the D-Doll collection™!  Pull the string and see what he says!

*VVVP*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  *GASP* I'm Vicil on CRACK, man!  HEEHEEHEEHEE!  I'M A CARTOON, MAN!!!  WHOOOOOHOHOHO!!!  AHHHHHAHAHA!!!  I GOT YOUR STRING RIGHT HERE, MAN!!!  Tee hee.  AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

*VVVP*

"No, the string in the front."

*YOINK*

"Again, baby..."

*VVVP*

"Hello, I'm Ryan Styles."

Also available in PREGNANCY!

*VVVP*

"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU!!!"

*VVVP*

"Give me Haagen-Dazs, and I'll go to sleep."

*VVVP*

"In six days... BOOM!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The D-Doll collection™!  Each sold separately.  Not recommended for young children, the easily offended or Ryan Styles.  Each D-Doll says 3 different phrases, 14 insults, 98 death threats and 666 apocalyptic warnings.

=======================================================================

Part 4: The Gathering Storm

===========================

Some busy street on a downhill slant...

Kaworu stepped out of Victoria's Secret for women carrying a small bag holding a thong.

[Eww...]

Kaworu apparently thought that this would get him some tail when he was purchasing it.  Sadly, the writer made him the only gay kid in school after reading Evaless.  Kaworu's gonna die a virgin if he gets close enough to Shinji.  I've keenly placed the remains of the World Trade Center in suspension above his head.  However Kaworu doesn't know this, so let's all pretend like I didn't say anything and watch the fun.  Heh, heh, heh...

Kaworu sneezed.  "Nilly-knikers, someone's talking about me again."  He put his hand on his hip.

To continue the story, two figures could be seen plodding over the hill.  In the distance Kaworu could hear what seemed like petty squabbling between them.  Kaworu stopped listening when he could see one of the figures was a boy strapped to a plank with a ten-inch dick flapping in the wind.  His better half rose to the occasion.

"Stupid Shinji!  I can't believe you were cheating on me with millions of sex crazed lunatics!" rasped the girl carrying the boy.

Kaworu was shocked and appalled.  He would have thought for sure that one was fresh meat.  Sighing in defeat, the little gay bitch started to drag himself home.  'Pity,' he thought, 'he would have made my night.'

"I didn't touch any of them, Asuka!" the boy shot back.  "And even if I did, I wouldn't be doing anything wrong because you're not my GIRLFRIEND!"

Kaworu slicked back his hair and spun around.  'Hello...' he thought piggishly as the two approached him.

"Then why was that blow up doll of me in your secret place?  Huh?!" the girl shouted.

"I have one of Misato too!"

"I saw that Misato doll!  I'll bet you didn't even touch that thing until Monday!"

"So what?  I only used the Asuka doll because you're one of the hottest chicks in school!"

The girl stopped in her tracks and threw the plank on the ground.  The boy was yanked down by the extra weight and the back of his head was flattened when it bonked the steel.

"Ouch!" Kaworu winced under his breath.

"Is that all I am to you?!" cried the girl.  "Just some piece of ass?!"  She had tears in her eyes.  Her breath shuddered.  She clasped her chest as if to keep her heart in place.  Her vulnerability was clear to Kaworu, as if it were reaching its peaks.  He could see she was desperate for the answer she wanted.

The boy sat up as best he could with his arms handcuffed to the corners of the plank.  "Its not like you gave me a great reason to show interest in you!!!  All you ever did was beat me up when I tried to talk to you!!!  What kind of twisted-fuck could fall in love with that?!"

=======================================================================

Same place, different POV...

That was when the zipper on Shinji's Vortex of Infinite Space™ opened up, as if Father Time himself opened it because he was fed up with waiting for these two dumb shits to go for it.  Millions of Asuka pictures and un-mailed letters gushed out onto the street behind him instantly.  After all the letters fell out, a single book toppled out of the small hole.  It bounced on its corners towards Asuka and stopped at her feet.

The front cover read, 'My Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep Affection for my One True Love.  An In-Depth Look Into the Mind of Shinji Ikari and his Obsession with Asuka Langley Sohryu.  Volume VI.  Written and Edited by Shinji Ikari.'

Shinji was frantically trying to stuff the papers back into his vortex, but the chains were to short to reach his back.  Asuka picked up the book from her feet and turned to the first page.

      "Dear diary.  Today as Asuka was giving me a swirly in the girl's washroom, I noticed her red lace panties with little blue hearts on them.  I could tell they were hand made.  The stitching was very scrappy around the hearts.  It must have been very itchy for her because she was scratching herself all morning.  They were probably for some guy she wanted to impress.

      If only I could be that guy.  The one she would willingly show her panties to.  Whoever he is, he must be the luckiest guy in the world.  To have someone as beautiful and smart as she is in a relationship, which transcends my own with her.  At least I can take comfort in the fact that she at least gives me enough time out of her day to kick the crap out of me.

      I know I've said this in every single entry, but should anyone ever get their hands on these books, or god forbid, Asuka herself, I want them to see this line no matter what page they turn to.  Asuka is the greatest person in the entire world.  There is no one like her anywhere, and I, Shinji Ikari, am obsessed with her.  I love her more than anything in the entire world.  I love her more than anything in the entire universe!  I love her more than anything within the boundaries of human imagination.  And you're thinking 'No, that's impossible.  The boundaries of human imagination extend as far as one human can imagine.  If you can imagine beyond the boundaries of human imagination, then the images cross the barrier of imagination and they are no longer images because they are not within the boundaries of human imagination.'  But it's true!  I love her more that the laws of... whatever I said... wrote.  Friggin' non-erasable pen.

      Oh, well.  At least I have the ability to settle for the next best thing.  Kensuke's dad finally finished the Misato doll but I'll try it out later.  Asuka and I decided to have a go for every heart on her panties tonight.  Six down, nine more left."

Tiny little hearts started to bubble up from the pages and popped in front of her face.

Shinji noticed it too late.  "No Asuka!  You must not read from the book!!!"

The ground to her left exploded and out jumped the most horrible monster known to man... What do you mean?  Politically Correct?  Shit!  Out jumped the most horrible monster known to person.

International funny man, Robin Williams!

"Wow!  Hello Tokyo-3!  Is it ever great to be here today!  Look at this street full of vagrants.  It's like the place where Flasidoso Mingo did the music man.  I SEE DAT WEST FARGO WAGON ISA COMIN' DOWN!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  Shinji and Asuka screamed in unison.  Asuka grabbed Shinji and took off down the street.

=======================================================================

Back to Kaworu...

"Hey, where you going?!" Robin Williams called to the running couple.

Kaworu, who watched the whole exchange, slumped against a wall.

"Isn't any guy in this whole entire city GAY?!!" he screamed to the heavens.

Suddenly, a low rumble started approaching.  The people in the street broke out into a panic.  "EARTHQUAKE!!!" somebody shouted.  Everyone started trying to cram themselves between the doorframes of the store outlets.

Meanwhile, Robin was standing in the middle of the street saying, "Come on people!  It's not even a four pointer!"

Kaworu then started to hear some kind of mechanical whistling coming from the hill.  He turned to see a dozen cameras come flying over the hill followed by a STAMPEDE OF SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN!!!  Kaworu jumped up onto a lamppost and climbed for his dear sweet life.  Then he remembered Robin was still on the street.  Sure enough, Robin was clueless to everyone's reaction.

"Robin Williams!!!" he shouted, "Get off the street!!!  STAMPEDE!!!"

However, Robin doesn't speak Japanese.  "What?!" was his only reply before he was trampled to death.

The mob nearly shook Kaworu off the pole.  As he held on with all his strength, he timidly looked for an end to the wave of people.  It went on forever in the back with Rei and assorted other beautiful women in front.  Nothing but bouncing boobies, perky butts, S&M gear, teddy bears, bunny ears, business suits, nurse scrubs, police uniforms, lab coats, cheerleader outfits, bathing suits, thong bikinis, lingerie, pretty pink panties, whipped cream and birthday suits.

Then something happened not even Kaworu expected.

He got hard.

I wish there was more to it than that but that's it.  Literally.  He felt something poking out, he looked down, he realized he got a hard-on from women and he went, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" because the sheer irony of the situation was too much for him to accept.

=======================================================================

Some random alley...

Asuka ducked around the corner of the building and leaned Shinji against the wall.  She collapsed against the wall next to him breathing heavily.

"*PANT*... *PANT*... You're one heavy sonofabitch." She growled at him.

"That's not what you said last night."

"I said that's between us!  Vicil!!!" Asuka stood up and stormed off stage.  "Vicil!  I can't work like this!"

"Asuka, come on!  If you keep doing this, I swear, I'll pair him with Rei."

Rei walked up. "That would be quite satisfactory." She said in monotone.

"Shut up, first!"

"Asuka, please.  She has a very difficult part."

"For her anyway..."

"I feel offended." Rei said quietly.  She walked away to a secluded corner of the studio and cried.

"Oh, what a sissy!" growled Asuka.

"Asuka, you get back on that set or the sissy gets Shinji!"

Kaworu ran up to Vicil.  "I'm having trouble staying in character."

"FINE!  GO TO THE ARCADE OR SOMETHING!  WE DON'T NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Kaworu ran off to his room and cried.

"HA!  What a wuss!" Shinji laughed from the set.  An inconspicuous Kaworu fan working with the grip threw down a set light and charged Shinji.  "SECURITY!" he screamed.  The Kaworu fan closed the distance and bitch-slapped Shinji across the face.  Shinji started crying.

Asuka ran up and nailed the K-fan in the balls.  "NO ONE BITCH-SLAPS SHINJI BUT ME!!!" She grabbed and axe and started butchering the poor guy into a fine paste.

Vicil snatched the axe out of her hands.  "Asuka stop it!"

Asuka grabbed onto Shinji's legs and curled up into a fetal position.  "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  I did another bad thing!  WAHHHHHH!!!"

"Oh for crying out loud!!!  Let's just go to the next scene"

Asuka climbed up Shinji's leg and hugged his waist.  "Shinji, do you think I'm pretty?"

=======================================================================

The city park...

Hikari was trying to pull her foot out of Touji's ass.  She kicked him a little too hard while she was trying to pay him back for flashing her.  Luckily, Touji's pain threshold was still high because it was still recovering from the first kick in his nuts.  To every person who walked by, it was the most disgusting sexual act they had ever seen.  Then Woody Allen walked by and applauded them for their skill.

"Touji, try to relax for one second!" shouted Hikari.

"Well, maybe if you foot wasn't so friggin small, it wouldn't get stuck up my ass!!!"

"Well if you didn't flash me, I wouldn't have kicked you!!!"

"Well if you didn't show up, I wouldn't have flashed you!!!"

Suddenly, an ambulance pulled up.  Kensuke jumped out the back doors with a hockey mask and a blindfold on.  "Guys!"

*THUNK*

He ran into a lamppost and fell on his ass.  "Touji, is that you?"

"Over here Kensuke!"

"Where?"

"Here!"

Kensuke ran into the lamppost again.

Touji sighed.  "Come on, Hikari.  Lets help him out."  Touji crawled to the street on his hands and knees and Hikari hopped on her free foot.

Touji tapped Kensuke on his forehead.  "Kensuke, wake up."

Kensuke's hands came up to Touji's face and felt around.  He accidentally shoved his thumb up his nostril.  "Touji, is that you?"

"Yeah.  Get your thumb out of my nose!"  Kensuke removed said thumb.  "What's with the hockey mask?"  Touji took Kensuke's mask off revealing two thousand swollen pimple bruises and two pads over his eyes.  "GROSS!!!"  He let go of the mask and it snapped against Kensuke's face.

"Ouch!"  Kensuke jumped to his feet.  "What the hell was that for?!"  He punched Hikari in the face.  Hikari was knocked off balance and she fell on the ground.  Her foot twisted around in Touji's anus and he screamed bloody murder.

"I'm down here, dipshit!!!  Are you blind?!!"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"If you're down there, who did I just punch?"

"Hikari."

"Oh..."

Hikari jumped to her feet and started beating Kensuke to monkey dookie.  Touji was flailed in the air every time she kicked Kensuke.  Meanwhile, the two paramedics in the ambulance were scarfing down nachos and watching the action in the rear-view mirror.

"Man.  This is better than pay-per-view."

=======================================================================

Some random alley...

Asuka and Shinji were cradled in each other's arms and talking baby talk to each other.

"I love you..."

"I love you more..."

"I love you bigger..."

"I love you biggest..."

"I love you bigger than that..."

"I love you bigger than THAT..."

"I love you bigger than the whole world..."

"I love you bigger than the whole universe..."

"I love you infinity..."

"I love you infinity plus one..."

"Plus two..."

"Plus three..."

"Plus infinity..."

"Times infinity..."

"I love you infinity to the power of infinity..."

"I love you more..."

Rei stormed over to them.  "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  WE GET IT ALL RIGHT!!!  YOU LOVE EACH OTHER A LOT!!!  LETS GET ON WITH IT!!!"

"Awwww..." they moaned in unison.  Shinji pulled out and strapped himself to the plank again.  Asuka rechecked the script then picked Shinji up and walked around the corner.

"Okay everyone.  Take two.  Action."

Asuka ducked around the corner of a building and leaned Shinji against the wall.  She quickly checked around the corner for any followers.  Nobody was around.

"Oh, Shinji, you do love me!" she cheered happily.  She jumped onto Shinji and gave him a dozen butterfly kisses.

Shinji blushed something awful.  "Yeah... Whoa!  Asuka!  Not here!!!"

Asuka stopped spinning 'big/little Shinji' and looked at Shinji.  "What?!  Of course not, stupid, I just want a place to sit down because I'm tired."  To confirm this, she sat down on a pole.

"Uh, shouldn't we be finding a better place to hide?  There's only one way out of this alley, and if the mob finds us, we're trapped."

"Relax, stupid.  If they catch up to us, I'll just use my emergency exit hole."  She held up said floppy round thing.  "Besides, I read the script.  They don't find us for a few days."

"So why are we hiding in an alley?"

"I... I don't know..."

As if on cue...

Twelve cameras zipped around the corner and zoomed in close on Shinji and Asuka.  Suddenly, Rei and the rest of the mob skidded to a halt at the entrance.

"There he is!  Get him!"

"Asuka!!!" Shinji screamed.

Asuka threw the hole against a wall.  It bounced off like flubber.  "Oh no!  It must be out of power!"

"How does a fourth dimensional cartoon hole need power?" Shinji snapped.

"Don't ask me, I bought it at Walmart!" Asuka shot back.

She grabbed Shinji and ran to the back of the alley, determined to hold onto Shinji for as long as she can.  They reached the stone wall at the end of the alley.  With nowhere left to go they turned to face their doom.

Asuka held her guy above her head, ready to face the danger.  "You want him, COME AND GET HIM!!!"

Shinji's plank started to shift and shake violently.  Three seconds later he started moving to the opening of the alley.  "Asuka?"

"Think again, cutie..." cooed the mob beneath him.

A mighty cheer rang up from the streets as another Shinji was captured.  Shinji looked back to see a pile of protruding bones and swollen flesh.

"Owwwwwww..." moaned Asuka in pain.

"Asuka!!!  NOOOOO!!!" Shinji's scream of agony was drowned out by the celebration below him.

*CRASH*

An enormous purple foot stomped down in front of the opening, killing twenty starts of at least two million fan boys' biggest fantasies.

Shinji looked up to see the giant monster wearing titanium purple tights.  The tampon thingy popped out of its neck, spraying the mob with a sticky, yellow substance.

Pen Pen climbed out and played the theme from Superman on a kazoo.

"Pen Pen!"  Shinji cheered.

"Owwwwww..." moaned Asuka with a twitch.

Pen Pen climbed back into the monster and started it up again.  "ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!" it wailed to the skies above.  It reached behind its back and pulled out a progressive dustpan and a progressive floor brush.  It swept Asuka into the dustpan, then threw away the brush and plucked Shinji out of the mob's grasp.

The monster ran off with Rei's prize, its thundering footsteps trailed off in the distance.  The twelve cameras hot on its trail.  "Don't worry everyone." She shouted to the crowd.  "As long as those cameras are following them, we'll find them."

The monster stopped in its tracks and turned to the crowd.  The twelve cameras flew at full speed to catch up to Shinji.  They all crashed into an invisible wall and fell to the ground in pieces.

Rei watched as twelve orange hexagonal ripples in the air destroyed her only way to Shinji.  "Uh... AFTER THEM!!!"

The monster turned and ran off, literally leaving the mob of Shinji fans in the dust.

=======================================================================

The hospital...

Hikari and Touji lay on two beds pushed together.  Hikari lay on her back with her head on a comfortable pillow.  She was currently channel surfing, pausing at every channel for ten minutes.  Touji lay on his stomach facing the foot of the bed with his face mashed into a rock hard foam pillow and Hikari's leg sticking out of his bare ass hanging out of his hospital gown.

Kensuke was in a full body cast on a third bed on the other side of the room.  "MFFF!!!" he shouted.

"Shut up Kensuke!" Hikari snapped.

All of the staff who were on break were on the other side of the glass were laughing their asses off.

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was fighting her way through the crowd to get to the door.  She grabbed for the door switch and pulled herself in front of the door.  She hit the release button.  The door opened and she fell in with four other people.  She promptly threw their asses out and hit the lock.  The door dismembered another six of the staff, but they were laughing to hard to notice, and they bled to death in the hallway.

"Oh, shit.  I dropped my chart.  I'll be right back."  She opened the door and forced her way out into the hall.

Ten minutes later...

"Okay.  Mr. Aida, you're going to have to stay overnight for observation.  Horaki and Suzahara, if you'll bare with me for a second, we should be able to get you out of here within the hour."

"I hope so.  I really have to take a dump." Said Touji.

"I don't care!  If any of that stuff even touches my shoe, I'll shove it in even further!" Hikari twisted her heel to illustrate her point.  Touji grabbed the railing on the bed and crushed it between his fingers.

"MFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFF!"

"Shut up, Kensuke!  It's not funny!"

"Actually, it's pretty funny." stated Ritsuko, matter of factly.

Just then, Maya Horaki fell into the room.  She crammed the rest of the staff into the hall and shut the door.  "Whew!  Hikari, honey, are you okay?"

"Oh, hi Maya!  Come by for another romp?" said Ritsuko, thinking with 'little Ritsuko.'

"What?!" screamed Hikari.

"Ritsuko!" shouted Maya.

"Wait, a sec.  That's YOUR daughter?!!!"

"MFFMFFMFFMFF..." 'MFFed' Kensuke. (Translation: NOW it's funny.)

Hikari twisted her foot, causing Touji to convulse again.

"You two are SLEEPING together?!!!" screamed Hikari.

"I'm sorry, honey, we didn't want you to find out like this."

"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!"

"Well you see, Hikari, sometimes a woman starts to like other women when men are scum.  And so..."

"I KNOW WHAT A LESBIAN IS!!!  WHAT ABOUT DADDY?!!!"

"What's a lesbian?" asked Touji.

Hikari twisted her foot again.

"Well, uh, a couple of months ago..."

=======================================================================

Yet another alternate reality...

"Okay, according to the map, this leads to 'The Object of One's Desire.'"

"On three.  One... Two... THREE!"

The mob burst into the apartment to see Asuka and Shinji doing stuff.  You know... STUFF.   Asuka looked up from her 'snack.'  "A little privacy, PLEASE?"

"Oh, sorry." The mob went back through the door to the Internet.

Selena poked her head through a crack in the door.  "Uh, sorry about this but can you tell us how much longer you'll be?"

*SPLAT*

"Aww, for crying out loud!"  She wiped her face off.  "Can we have another hour?"

"HOUR?!!!" Selena cried.  "Bilicus never gave me an hour..." she murmured as she closed the door.

"I think they're going to be a while."

"Fine, we'll go to the next one on the list.  This door leads to Evaless."

"FUCK THAT!!!"  The whole mob bolted, flailing their arms in the air.  A firewall crashed down in front of them, blocking their escape.  Sailor Mars took her finger off the button connected to nothing.  "We have to get ALL the A/S Shinji's.  Come on, let's go." She sighed.

She opened the door into a world of bad grammar, horrible characterization, and a plot so fucked up I couldn't even finish reading it.

Half of the mob dropped dead from the bends.

=======================================================================

Elsewhere [possibly in an alternate reality]...

Vicil opened the door and fell out of the bathroom.  "Uuuugh... need... reality... check." He groaned as he wiped the fresh vomit off his face.  He crawled into the kitchen and dragged himself to the magazine rack, where he pulled out the latest issue of 'Cracked,' featuring an article on Bin Laden getting fried by a warhead after he pulled up to a cave entrance.  Vicil sighed in relief as irony filled his mind.

Somewhere, Rob Lewis killed another green Taliban stick man.

Vicil stood himself upright and grabbed another bag of Dutch Crunch and a swig of Dr Pepper.  Oh!  Cookies!  He grabbed a hand full of those too.  Satisfied with his supper, he started for the den to catch up on his evening of Drew Carry and Whose Line when D burst through the door.

"Oh, hey D.  Did you give her the note?"

"I only got to see Fred before I was kicked off the property with a muffler up my ass."

"Aww shit.  Well, it was still worth a try."

"Yeah, Sarah Michelle Gellar is only the hottest woman in the world and a movie star and engaged."

"Quiet, you."

"Yes, sir."

Vicil flopped on the couch and started munching away.  "So what are you going to do?"

"Oh, I thought I'd put my feet up, read the paper, maybe take my revenge on you."

"That's nice.  Huh?"  Vicil turned around.

D held up his laptop facing Vicil and hit the "Enter" key.  Suddenly, Vicil was being sucked into a whirlpool screensaver on the laptop screen.  "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  He disappeared from existence leaving nothing behind but plate of cookies.

"Oh!  Cookies!" cheered D.

Vicil's last proof of life was eaten by a half assed caricature of the Devil with floating lips.

=======================================================================

Role Playing...

The mob crashed in through a Hello Kittie poster and saw Rei, Asuka, and Shinji acting stupid in a clever and well rehearsed way.

Rei jumped up.  "KILL THE BITCH AND GRAB SHINJI!  LET'S PARTAAAYYYY!!!"

=======================================================================

Somewhere orange...

Vicil woke up in a place that was not of his knowledge.  He was floating face down in a warm, orange goop.  He was breathing it, which made his fanboy mind jump for joy that he's dreaming about EVA again.

"Cool!" he thought. "Now I can dive deep underwater and not run out of air or use my superhero powers to make EVA a happy ending where Asuka likes Shinji and Rei gets Kaworu and Hikari gets Touji and Misato gets Kaji and Ritsuko gets Maya and Kensuke watches and Gendo is at last reunited with his wife, Yui."

"Think again, cupid."

"Huh?  Who said that?  Did I just think that or did I say it?"

"You thought it."

"There it is again."

"SHUT UP!!!"

Vicil grabbed his head in pain.  "AHH!  What the hell is that?"

"You mean to say you don't recognize my voice?" A TV screen popped up in front of Vicil's face.

"... D?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He laughed.  "Didn't expect to see me here, did you?!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!"

"Funny you should ask.  You see, when you brought me into the real world to ask out Sarah, you left a gap in the fanfic time continuum.  All I had to do was write you into a story and bingo."

Vicil looked himself over.  His once muscular, well-endowed SI body had been reduced to a fat, balding, zit-faced teenager.  He quickly checked his pants.  "AHH!  YOU MONSTER!  MY DICK IS TWO INCHES LONG!!!"

"And that isn't even the best part!  I've been secretly adding to your story on your computer while you slept.  I created that army to go and capture every single Shinji from S/A fics, thus, ruining yours, and every other S/A fan's dreams of uniting them.  As long as I'm around, the world will NEVER see another S/A fic!"

"When I get out of here..."

"IF you get out of there."

"I'm going to tear you a brand new asshole."

"Riiiight.  Well, that's all well and good, but I've got some stories to wreck.  See ya!" D pressed a button and the TV screen blipped out of existence.  Vicil made a mad grab for it but missed.

He knew he had to get back to EFF as fast as he could before D ruined all the good fics.  He swam to shore in his brand new wale body and coughed up the LCL in his lungs.  "Now where am I?" he thought to himself.  He surveyed his surroundings.  He was on a beach next to a fault line.  He looked back out to sea to see one of the EVA series fully repaired, kneeling down, looking like it was trying to pull a stick out of it's S2 engine.  He knew this was a continuation fic, he just didn't know which one.  Not too far down the beach was an enormous chunk of concrete rammed into a cleft wall of dirt.  It seemed to be remains of what was once the floor of a parking garage.

That was when he suddenly realized something.  Since D was a character of EFF and the gap in the fanfic time continuum was in EFF to begin with, Vicil should have the same powers as his characters from EFF, including his very own Vortex of Infinite Space™!  He reached behind his back...

And pulled out his very own shogun sword!!!

"Kick ass!!!" he cheered.  Wondering what else he got from his new body, he dug into his vortex.  Among the things he pulled out were a trench coat, combat boots, a pair of kick ass sunglasses, the standard REALLY BIG GUN, a wall scroll of Asuka, and his disk of all the chapters of his stories so far.

He held the last item in his hand for a moment and pondered.  "Wait a second... THAT'S IT!!!"  Vicil quickly crammed all of his stuff back into his vortex leaving on the trench coat, combat boots, sunglasses and shogun sword to create a bass ass atmosphere around him.  The he took off in search of a computer.

*BUMP*

Vicil stumbled back after running into none other than Kaworu Nagisa.

"Hey!  Watch it!" shouted Kaworu.

"Me?!  I ought to kick your... What the hell are you doing in a continuation fic?"

"I came back with Rei." Kaworu said calmly. "And what's a continuation fic?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  It was worse that he thought.  He was in 'Angels of Armageddon!' Vicil whipped out his sword and hacked off Kaworu's head with one quick swipe.

Three days later...

The land was saved, Rei and Kaworu were dead and the army had departed.  The survivors who chose to stay were content with the peace they shared.  Vicil gingerly placed Shinji next to Asuka's stiff body.  With a simple snap of his fingers, the two woke up, fell in love, got married, had babies, and were never harassed by Rei, Kaworu, or any other angel ever again.

"Whew... Good stories are so hard to come by these days.  Uh, do any of you happen to have a passage to the Internet?"

As if on cue...

A whirlpool of energy appeared right next to Vicil.  In front of it popped a monitor screen.  Ryan Xavier was sobbing in a tissue.  "Get out of my story you mean, narrow-minded ASSHOLE!!!"

"Sorry, Ryan, but you made the mistake of making a love triangle where Rei stole Shinji from Asuka.  YOU JUST COULDN'T LET THEM BE, COULD YOU!!!"  With that, Vicil struck a dramatic pose and leapt into the far reaches of cyberspace, awaiting the maaaaaany piles of hate male for destroying the only good inspiration of continuation fics with Rei in them.

=======================================================================

Back in EFF, where it was still Sunday...

The monster stopped at the standard hollowed out mountain containing a secret base of operations.  A giant intercom ejected from the mountain rock.

"PLEASE INPUT VOICE CODE, NOW."

The monster bent down so it's head was level with the intercom.

*BELCH*

"VOICE CODE ACCEPTED.  WELCOME BACK, AGENT PEN PEN."

The mountain opened up into an enormous staircase.  It quietly snuck in and descended to the depths below.

The giant staircase opened up into a secret base as was mentioned above.  It's a cheap rip off of NERV because the writer was too busy with his own problems to describe it for us.

The monster positioned itself in its cage and held its right hand, carrying Shinji and the pile formerly known as Asuka, up to its chin before it shut down.

Pen Pen climbed out of his tampon thingy and waddled onto the hand.  He released Shinji from his plank using a light saber.

"Hey!  Neat!" Giggled Shinji, reaching for the merchandise.

"WAAUGH!!!" Pen Pen struck a karate stance and nailed 'big/little Shinji.'  Shinji grabbed himself and fell on his ass.

Pen Pen picked up Asuka and waddled back to the tampon thingy. Then he dropped Asuka in, turned the dial to 400% and closed the hatch.

"I thought you were retired." Whined Shinji.

"WAAUGH!"

"Oh."

Pen Pen and Shinji then climbed onto a cherry picker and rode down to a big red ball in the monsters chest.

"So what is this thing, anyway?"

"WAAUGH, WAAUGH WAARK!"

"I don't want to know later, I want to know now."

Pen Pen snapped his flipper.  A bunch of walruses flew down on their jet packs and carried Shinji away.

"Okay!  Later it is!" Shinji shouted as he was thrown in the ball room with the rest of the brats the parents brought to work with.

Once Pen Pen reached the base of the big red ball in the monster's chest, he reached in with his flipper and pulled out a fully healed, and naked, Asuka, who was snoring loudly.  Pen Pen started smacking her across the face to wake her up.

*SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRE*

Pen Pen thought for a moment.  Another Penguin ran up and held a light bulb over his head.  Pen Pen thought of something and the light bulb turned on.  He whipped out a ball glove, a Christmas tree, a shoe, a microwave oven, some canola oil...

A few seconds later...

Pen Pen crashed through the ball room door and landed next to Shinji.  Asuka stomped up to the entrance.  "Don't you ever do that to me again you stupid bird!!!"

"Waark." Pen Pen responded meekly.

Asuka then noticed Shinji was in the room.  "SHINJI!"  She ran up and prepared to give the boy the best glomp he ever had.

Shinji's nose spurt blood like a garden hose.  The entire room was covered in three seconds, and he passed out.  Asuka stood dripping from head to toe with snot and blood.  "Did I miss something?"

"Waark." whispered Pen Pen.  He motioned for her to look down.

Asuka quickly glanced at her nude, sopping figure.  "Oh, my."  She quickly dove under the balls (no pun intended).

Suddenly, a whirlpool of energy opened up next to Shinji and Vicil fell out, carrying a copy of the Nightmare Campus movie he stole from a bidder on Ebay.  He quickly zipped up the vortex and collapsed against the wall.

"Damn!  There is WAY too much pornography out there!" he said, tucking the movie behind his back.

=======================================================================

The hospital...

"ONE!  TWO!  THREE!!!"

Ritsuko and Maya heaved with all their strength.  Hikari's foot finally popped out of Touji's ass.  Touji then leap-frogged over the bed rail, made a mad dash to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.  The sounds of relief could be heard.

Kensuke pissed in his cast for the sixth time after laughing harder than he ever had in his life.

Ritsuko and Maya wiped their sweat off.  Hikari shot another sneer at them.  "STOP THAT!"  Ritsuko and Maya removed their hands from each other's pants.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Touji burst out of the bathroom.  "DOCTOR, HELP!  THERE'S AN ALIEN POD GROWING ON MY FORHEAD!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Next time on Evangelion Fan Funny, preparations begin for the final battle.  Kyoko calls Shinji's parents and tells them EVERYTHING.  Shinji and Asuka are in deep shit.  Vicil starts work on the ultimate weapon.  And Hikari does something that I haven't figured out yet.

It's all here next time on EVANGELION FAN FUNNY CHAPTER 7: AXEL TERIZAKI'S WET DREAM!!!

Okay, time to apologize and clear my name.

I know I may have offended a lot of writers in this chapter.  For that I am sorry.  Especially to Ryan Xavier/Otakusadist, who has been a REAL class act to the way I've been treating him.  Sorry for it all Ryan, I really am.

I didn't have permission from anybody to use their characters in this chapter, and I hope most of them probably don't care.  Should I get kicked off of FF.net, I have to do research to figure out how I'm ever going to get my web site up and running.  It's probably one of the crappiest things out there.

To any fans that I may have insulted, I am sorry.  I am quite protective of Asuka and the A/S relationship.  And while I'm sure everybody has a beef with Evaless, my harsh treatment of Angels of Armageddon was too much.  To me, an 'Asuka/Shinji/???' love triangle with ??? getting Shinji is bad enough; but when Angels came out, it pushed me over the edge, because it wasn't even a love triangle.  Rei stole Shinji from Asuka.  And not only that, I'm pretty sure Ryan is going to kill her off.  I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it, even if it is supposed to be good.

And don't even get me started on the Asuka/Touji and Asuka/Kensuke relationships.  Everybody knows that they're only put in those Rei stories because the author feels a slight need to make Asuka happy.  And while that totally unrealistic version of Asuka may be happy, it's an insult to the legion of A/S fans who have the stomach to read '???/S' fics.  Unless the story is ABOUT Asuka and Touji/Kensuke, just leave her be.  The chances she could develop a relationship with Shinji are unlikely enough.  Don't piss on it by pairing her with them.  Asuka's only other relationship could be Kaji and you know it, just like Rei's only other relationship could be Kaworu.  If they're not around, then it's a sad ending for Asuka and Rei, which is good enough for me.

      And yes, I know that I'm a hypocrite because I wrote a story with people OOC, but this is a comedic story where everything was purposely out of context.  I didn't think I'd ever had to clarify that.  My rant on OOC related to serious fics only.

Many thanks to Weltall Elite, an incredible motivator and truthful editor.  Rock on dude.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	7. Axel Terizaki's Wet Dream

Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 7: Axel Terizaki's Wet Dream 

=======================================================================

Warning: I don't care what you think.

=======================================================================

Dear Studio GAiNAX,

I stole your characters and I'm writing a story with them.

Later,

Vicil

=======================================================================

Part 5: One Little, Two Little, Three Little Asuka's

====================================================

The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations...

      Asuka, Shinji, Pen Pen and Vicil were gathered in a circle.  Shinji had since gotten himself a new set of clothes from one of the lockers.  It was some kind of uniform that made him look as gay as ever.  Shinji could only swallow his pride and bare wearing it.  Asuka had pulled her rubber PJ's out of the purple monster and jumped into those.  As of now, Vicil was bringing them up to date on current events.

"So, these things are called EVAs?" Asuka asked pointing to the giant, scrawny monsters wearing titanium spandex.

      "Yes." Replied Vicil.

      "And we pilot them via these tiny headsets that send our brain signals to their brains?" Asked Shinji, holding up a white headset.

      "WAUGH!" Replied Pen Pen.

      "And our entire universe is a fanfic based on a TV series?" Asked Asuka, again.

      "Uh, huh." Responded Vicil.

      "And that mob of people that are chasing us is part of a giant army spreading out over the fanfic universe, capturing every Shinji from Asuka/Shinji fanfics?" asked Shinji.

      "Yup." Said Vicil.

      "And the one who created that army is a figment of your imagination that wrote you into the story as a fat, bald kid with a major case of acne?" Asked Asuka, getting a hint of a grin on the corner of her mouth.

      "Yeah..." Groaned Vicil.

      "And you need our help to, *he*, to hold off a legion of women after ME so that you can find this figment and get back your laptop?" Giggled Shinji.

      "Yes..." Whined Vicil.

      "And you have no way to find him, *ha, ha, ha*, no clue where to start looking for him, and, *ha, ha*, no idea what to do if you ever do?" Giggled Asuka, trying not to lose it in front of Vicil.

      "I have an idea, but..."

      Shinji and Asuka were desperately trying to stifle their laughter.  Shinji tried to compose himself.  "And, *ha*, and you – you think there's almost no chance this will work but *snort* it's the best plan there is?"

      "Well..."

      "ARE THE PENGUINS WORKING THE TANKS OR ARE THEY JUST GOING TO WATCH?!!" Asuka screamed, then they both fell on the floor laughing as hard as they can.

      Vicil put his face in his hands and Pen Pen hung his head in hopelessness.

=======================================================================

Sohryu residence...

      Kyoko dragged herself off the floor.  Several dusty footprints painted her body a nice black and blue.  Her lips fell off and bounced on the floor once before coming to rest in the doorframe of Asuka's closet.  Kyoko groaned in pain as she lifted herself to her feet and snatched up her lips.  She tiredly pressed them back on her face as she recalled the events leading up to her unconsciousness.

      "Okay, let's see..." She thought to herself.  "... It's eleven o'clock now, Shinji came by at nine, and I left them so they could talk.  Twenty minutes later... OH SHIT!"  It all rushed back into her mind.  Asuka; secret base in closet; Shinji cuffed to plank; millions of women and men; boyfriend; Shinji blow-up doll; anal sex with blow-up doll; the land of chocolate; wet dream; running of the bulls.

Kyoko thought for a moment and disregarded the last three.

She ran into the closet to find it completely empty.  All the monitors on the south wall showed static and 'SUBJECT LOST' displays.

      "ASUKA!!!" She shouted. "ASUKA, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!"  There was no answer.  She saw the hole at the far end of the area, but just as she was about to check it out, her newly acquired common sense suggested that Asuka might be at Shinji's house and that her poor little girl may be losing, or has already lost her virginity to that vicious little playboy right now!  Kyoko made for the phone at warp speed.

=======================================================================

Ikari residence...

      Yui had been home alone all morning.  Shinji hadn't come home last night, which had been making her worry a bit, but she always calmed her nerves by reminding herself that Shinji was her son; a boy trained more in responsibility than any other human being.  He practically did things at the crack of a whip, which was very useful after she had invited dinner guests.  He always folded at any possible threat, so she knew that he never travels alone.  He was most likely at Asuka's, Touji's, or Kensuke's house.

Still, the immense maternal bond she had to him did cause her to sweat a little as she walked passed her stuffed and mounted umbilical cord on the banister.  Trying to ease her mind, she took a shower and did some other activities to keep her hands busy, and away from the telephone to put out a city wide search for her wittle-Shinji.

*RING*

      Realizing she had a reason to go to the phone, Yui quickly threw down her GC controller and picked up the telephone.

      "Hello?"

      *Yourbastardsonisfuckingmydaughter!!!*

      "What?"

      *YOURBASTARDSONISFUCKINGMYDAUGHTER!!!*

      "Kyoko?"

      *WHERETHEHELLARESHINJIANDASUKA?!!*

      "Kyoko!  Put spaces between you words!"

      *I said: your bastard son is fucking my daughter!  Where the hell are Shinji and Asuka?!*

      "Shinji's WHAT?????"

      *I just saw Asuka say she's in love with that playboy in front of a whole mob of women and men that say they are going to take him away from Asuka because he's going out with HER instead of THEM!!!*

      "WHAT?????"

      *I'll bet they've been going at it for months now!  They've run off somewhere and I don't know where to find them!*

      "Wait there!  I'm getting Gendo and I'm coming right over!"

*CLICK*

      Yui slammed down her receiver, grabbed her car keys and dashed out the door wearing only her towel and hair curlers.

=======================================================================

The hospital...

      "Come on, honey, let's go." Said Maya.

      "No way, lesbo!" Screamed Hikari.

      Maya had been trying to drag Hikari out of the hospital for an hour, but since the awkward incident involving Maya and Ritsuko's relationship, Hikari had blocked herself off from Maya's authority.  At any point when Maya tried to befriend Hikari or get her closer to the door without her noticing, Hikari would pull back to the far wall behind Kensuke's bed.  The crowd that had previously come for the 'foot in Touji's ass' entertainment were now taking bets on how long it would take Maya to get Hikari out of there.  Laughing was replaced by loud cheering as one by one; the gamblers ran out of time. Unfortunately for the characters in the room, the ones who left the betting grounds were replaced by more spectators and gamblers; drawn by the chanting and the size of the pot.

      Touji was waiting anxiously beside the door for a break in the crowd so that he could leave while Maya and Ritsuko were creeping around Kensuke's bed.

      "Please, Hikari, we have a very busy day ahead of us.  The sooner you get out of there the better." Stressed Ritsuko.

      "Tough!" Snapped Hikari, shifting Kensuke's bed in front of her whenever the two women made an advance.  "There is no way I'm going to go home with you, MAYA!  An as for Dr. Akagi, I could care less what she does!"

      "MFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFF!"

      "SHUT UP KENSUKE!!!" Hikari pounded his head to reinforce her statement.

      "That's enough, young lady!  If you don't come out from back there by the time I count to ten..."

      "Mom, I'm 14, that doesn't work on me anymore."

      "One..."

      "Oh, please I can't believe your going to go through with this."

      "Two..."

      "I'm not moving, mom!"

      "Three!"

      "You can count to one-million as far as- Gahh!" Ritsuko leapt at Hikari once her attention was diverted well enough.  Hikari ducked under the bed and Ritsuko landed on Kensuke's face.  Her left boob flopped out and got squished into Kensuke's eyehole in the cast.

      "MFF!!!" cheered Kensuke. (Translation: Kick ass!!!)

      Ritsuko could feel a wet tongue licking her bare flesh.  She grabbed the IV pole and brought it down on the soft flap over Kensuke's groin.  That didn't really help when Kensuke bit into his booby meal.

With Ritsuko stuck, Maya leapt into the fray.  Hikari crawled under the bed as Maya reached the other side and shoved it toward her.  Maya was knocked back into the wall.

"Stop it!!!" Shouted Hikari.  "God!  I hate you people!  I would rather spend the night at Touji's that go home with you crazy weirdos!"

That caught Touji's attention.  "What?!!  No!  No way Hikari!"

"Actually, I think I will!" She shouted at Maya, not even paying attention to Touji.  Hikari ran over to the corner and grabbed Touji by the collar.  "Yeah!  I'm going to spend the night at TOUJI'S!"  She started dragging him out the doorframe.  "I may even spend the entire week there.  And... And we're only going to eat pizza!  And we're going to stay up late!  And we won't go to school!  And... And we might even have SEX!  YEAH!  HOT SWEATY SEX!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, MOM!!!"

Maya was desperately trying to push the bed off of her so she could go after her daughter, but the wild thrashing of her significant other prevented her from doing so.  Hikari hit the door switch.  It slid open and fifteen people fell in.  A massive cheer rang into the room.  Two of the hospital staff were showered with money as the winners of the pot.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!" Screamed Hikari.  The force of Hikari's voice splattered the hospital staff against the wall.  Sticky piles of gore started to drip down as Hikari pulled Touji out of the room.

Touji grabbed the doorframe just before he was pulled out.  "Kensuke!  Help!  I don't even know what sex is!"

"MFFMFFMFFMFFMFF!  MFFMFFMFF!" Shouted Kensuke's muffled voice. (Translation: Just go with her, man!  You'll like it!)

Touji was pried loose and Hikari hit the lock, trapping the trio inside the room and leaving them plenty of time to escape.

=======================================================================

The Internet...

      The three surviving members of the mob fell out of the door to Evaless with Shinji in tow.  Dorothy sucked in the fresh smell of the dysfunction of the Internet as she collapsed on her knees, panting like a dog.  "*GASP*, *GASP*, When we get back, I'm not even going to take a number.  I couldn't possibly stay awake long enough in my condition."

      "No kidding." Grunted Hsien-Ko.  "I could go for nothing more than a nap at this point."

      "Are you guy's kidding!?" Cried A-KO, hefting Shinji over her shoulder.  "I could take at least four more!  What's left on the list?"

      Dorothy pulled out the spreadsheet.  "Well, we got everything but the extreme humor fics, but those are way out of our league, A-KO."

      "Yeah," interrupted Hsien-Ko, "You really don't want to mess with the Asuka's in the X-humor fics unless you got an army."

      "So, what?" smirked A-KO.  "I've got superpowers.  I can take anything."

      "All right..." Sighed Dorothy.  "This door leads to 'Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred?'  Apparently since the Strangely Darkfic characters are going around to other fics, only this one is attainable."

=======================================================================

Back in Child of Love...

      FLASH!

      The group emerged from Misato's IBH (Interdimensional Beer Hole) again and into another parallel world apartment.  This one seemed cleaner than the last one.  In fact, it was cleaner than theirs was.  When they looked around, it seemed like no one was there.  They looked up to see what the sign said.  It wasn't there.

      "What the?"

      A little note appeared where the sign was supposed to be.  It read:

      "This sign is not active for good fics.  I don't want you to ruin them."

      -the Author

      "Hmmph!  Who does he think we are!?" Asuka complained.

      "People who go looking at other guys, apparently..." Shinji muttered.

      "Shinji, I said I was sorry..."

      "Be prepared." Rei said coldly.  Apparently, she was expecting something.  "It may be an ambush."

      The four heroes braced themselves for any new threat, such as self-inserted characters or horny, dimwitted authors; or, (God forbid) the elusive Darkfic.  Of course, this was totally unfounded worry, as good fics don't have these.  Regardless, what came next was totally unexpected.

      "Eek!" yelled a freaked Shinji.  Something had grabbed his leg, and since it wasn't Asuka, Wuss-boy was scared.

      "How cute!" exclaimed Rei and Misato as Shinji tried to pull the baby from his leg.

      "Well, of course!" Asuka joined in.  "She's a redhead!"

      Rei snorted in disgust.

      "Get it off!  Get it off!"

      "Jeez... wimp..." said Asuka as she took the baby in her arms.  The baby smiled.  "Hey!  I think she likes me!  Teri-chan." She read on the back of the baby's clothes.

      The baby giggled at the sound of her name.

      "What kind of name is that?"

      "Shut up, Misato!  I think it's cute!"

      "I wonder who would be so irresponsible as to leave such a small child without care?" Rei asked.

      "Maybe it's Misato's child." Shinji suggested.

      "Hey!  I'm not that bad!  Besides, it's a redhead.  And... you know... it kinda has your eyes, Shinji.  I know!  Maybe it's your and Asuka's love child!"

      Asuka and Shinji stared at each other and experienced full facial blushes.  Rei groaned.  Misato started laughing...  What a good joke.  The chances of those two having a kid...

      "I think someone else is here..." Rei noted as light snoring sounds could be heard thanks to the pre-reader's luck.

      "I know that sound!" exclaimed Shinji, running towards the source of said sound.

      There, they found a visibly exhausted Asuka lying on the kitchen floor, a pool of drool forming on the side of her mouth.

      "Disgusting." Rei said as she scrunched up her face in disgust.

      "Hey!"

      "I... I think it's cute..." tried Shinji.

      "Shin-chan!  So you don't hate me?!"

      "Of course not... I know you love me..."

      "Oh, your such a sweety-baka!"

      Misato tried to ignore the couple as she took the baby and put it at the other Asuka's side.

      "Gendo wasn't here.  He likes to steal candy from babies." Observed Rei, pointing towards a lollipop little Teri sucked for a while before sticking it into the alternate Asuka's hair.

      "I guess your right, Rei." Misato said, staring in disbelief.  "Come on, guys, let's go!"

      "Bye Teri-chan!" waved Asuka before disappearing into Misato's IBH.

      However, since the over-inflated egotism of the Strangely Darkfic characters tended to make them overlook things, they missed the huge chunk of missing wall behind them and the dreadful bruise under Asuka's tired cheek.  They left CoL's world the way they came to it, never to return unless the author contacts me.

=======================================================================

The Internet...

      "Actually," noted Dorothy, "since Asuka and Shinji don't get together until the end of the series, you might have a chance."

      "All right!" cheered A-KO.  She dumped the Evaless Shinji into their arms and took off into the spoofiness of 'Is Nothing Sacred?' and shut the door behind her.

Four seconds later, a horrible shriek was heard on the other side of the door as the sounds of something ravenous tore the flesh from a poor victim.  The door swung open and an errant leg flew out and rolled to a stop at Hsien-Ko's feet.

It had A-KO's boot on it.

"Uh... Let's come back to this one."

      "Sounds good."

      They took off down the highway into cyberspace with "Evaless" Shinji in tow.

=======================================================================

Gendo's unmentionable place of employment [they're all the same anyway]...

      Gendo stood outside as the fire department started their advance on the burning building.  Next to him, Fyutsuki lay on a gurney with a heart monitor strapped to his bare chest.  The morning sun was still gracing the day.  At least it was a nice day for a disaster to happen.

      "So, boss," Gendo started, "does this mean we get the week off?"  That earned the expected chuckle from Fyutsuki he wanted.

Suddenly he heard a radical beeping next to him.  Gendo turned to Fyutsuki's heart monitor showing him slipping into V-phib.  Gendo grabbed the paddles and put another shock to Fyutsuki's system.  The heart rate returned to normal and Fyutsiki continued to chuckle.

      A car came careening into the parking lot and screeched to a halt next to Gendo.  The window opened and Yui popped her head out.  "Gendo!  Get in!"

      "What's going on?" he responded.

      "It's happened!"

      "What happened?"

      "IT!"

      "IT?!"

      "Yes, IT!  Come on!" she yelled.

      Gendo whipped out a headband and tranquilizer rifle.  He jumped over the hood and climbed into the car.  Yui sped off away from the fire.

      "Did you remember the GPS?" he grunted.

      "No, but I kept one in the car.  Shinji's somewhere in the mountains."

      "So why are we heading east?"

      "We have to stop at Kyoko's to pick her up."

      "He went with Asuka?  I thought he was afraid of her."

      "Nope.  Kyoko says that Asuka said she loved Shinji in front of a mob of women after him." explained Yui.

      "A whole mob?!" Gendo exclaimed.  "How did we miss that?"

      "I can't understand how this happened either."

      Gendo grunted at the window and sagged in his seat.  Glancing at his wife, he noticed Yui's apparel and his nose started bleeding slightly.  "Uh... nice outfit." He said nervously.

      Yui glanced down at herself and blushed something awful.  "Uh... thanks." She giggled.  "You look pretty good too... with... all that soot... and... and that headband..."

      "You look... so soft and... shiny... and... that light..."

      "You look like Rambo..."

      "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen..."

      The car came to a screeching halt on the side of the road and both of them climbed into the back seat.

=======================================================================

The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations...

      "Okay everyone!" commanded Vicil. "To make this work, I'm going to need a laptop until I can get my own back.

      "Fan fiction..." Asuka and Shinji giggled.  "What kind of loser writes stories about a TV series."

      "IT'S MORE THAN YOU EVER DID, YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!" shouted Vicil.

      Suddenly, Asuka's hair stood up and fanned out.  "RAAAARRRRGH!!!" she wailed, then leapt at Vicil and proceeded to beat him into the ground.  Shinji and Pen Pen jumped on Asuka in an effort to restrain her, but she threw them off easily.  The walruses flew up on their jet packs and tore Asuka off of him.  She thrashed wildly in their flippers.  They almost dropped her before they had a chance to throw her in the ball room and slam the lock to keep her in.  The walrus that hit the switch sighed in relief.  Then two thunderous collisions with the hatch brought fourth two huge dents in the reinforced steel that bonked it on the head and it was knocked unconscious.  The other walrus caught him before he fell to his death and carried him off to unit one.

      Pen Pen sighed.  He whipped out a bottle of 'LCL by St. Ives.' and poured it over Vicil's heap of a body.  Vicil dissolved into the concrete.  Then Pen Pen spit in the puddle and Vicil's SI body reconstructed itself into the fat, balding kid... sadly.

      Vicil's head wavered for a bit but he quickly composed himself.  "Ouch." He stated.  Shinji nodded in agreement.

      "As I was saying," he continued, "I need a laptop to get this started."  He looked at Pen Pen.

      "WAARK!" said Pen Pen.

      "What do you mean, 'No'?"

      "WAARK, WAARK WAUGH!  WAUGH WAUGH WAUGH WAARK WAAAAAUGH!"

      "You have an entire secret base full of the latest technology and you didn't bother to buy one frieking laptop?"

      "Waugh." replied Pen Pen.

      "I don't care about budget.  This place must have cost jillions of Yen, and you couldn't set aside a hundred thousand for a laptop?"

      "Wark."

      "Never mind then.  Just give me some paper and a pen."

      "WAAK!"

      "Well what DO you have?"

      Pen Pen whipped out a piece of bark and a crayon.

      "Fine!"  Vicil snatched it out of Pen Pen's flipper and turned around.  He started writing something they couldn't see, then he broke the bark into four different pieces and handed one to Shinji and Pen Pen.  "Damn.  I think I'm going to need Asuka too."

      "What the hell is this," whined Shinji, "a screenplay?"

      "WAARK!" added Pen Pen.

      "Just go with it!" shouted Vicil.  "I'll go get Asuka."  Vicil strapped himself to a jet pack that was lying around and flew up to the ball room, leaving Shinji and Pen Pen to rehearse.

      Vicil landed on the catwalk and hit the release for the ball room door.  Asuka was standing in its place with her arms crossed looking more pissed than ever.

      "Uh..." Vicil started.  "I'm sorry I called you a bitch."

      Asuka nailed him in the face, sinking her fist into his skull.  When she pulled it out, Vicil's face was stuck in the hole the fist had left.  He smacked the sides of his head and popped his face out.

      "And don't you forget it!" grunted Asuka.  She turned and walked to the elevator.

      Vicil sighed and flew back down to Shinji and Pen Pen.  Asuka came out of the elevator once he reached the bottom.  He handed her the third piece of bark and took off his jet pack.  "All right.  All you guys have to do is come out onto the platform and say your lines."

      "This is the stupidest thing I've ever read." snorted Asuka.

      "I was given a piece of bark and a crayon.  What did you expect?"

      "Can we just get this over with." interrupted Shinji.

      Asuka snorted and stormed off to a corner of the platform, being sure to knock Vicil with her shoulder on the way.  The rest of them sighed and proceeded to the other four corners.

      Asuka pranced out on the platform and held up her script.  "Oh no!  My English paper is due in three days and I am without a computer to research the subject!"

      Shinji jumped out next to her and struck a pose.  "I to am without a computer.  And since I am your partner in English and we were assigned to work on the same assignment together, I to feel lost and in need of assistance!"

      Pen Pen waddled out next to Shinji and lifted his arms to the ceiling.  "WAARK!  WAUGH WARK WAUGH!"

      Vicil jumped out on stage across from the three.  "But there IS a way, my companions whom I have never met before!  On the Microsoft network!"

      "The Microsoft network?" Shinji and Asuka said in unison.

      "Waark?" asked Pen Pen.

      "Yes!  The Microsoft network!  Harnessing the power of the Internet to enrich our lives!" Vicil cheered.

      "But isn't Microsoft one of the shittiest programs in the world?" asked Shinji.

      "Absolutely not, my companion whom I have never met before!  Microsoft uses the most up to date technology to create a user friendly atmosphere for the consumer!"

      "Wow!  The Microsoft network is awesome!" exclaimed Shinji.

      "It truly is." smiled Vicil.  He turned to the audience.  "The Microsoft network!  The way of the future!" and he finished with a thumbs up.

      The spotlights went off and the four wiped the almost drug-induced smiled off of their faces.  A lawyer ran up to Vicil and handed him a laptop and a wad of cash.  "Oh!  Thank you!" exclaimed Vicil.

Once the lawyer left, Vicil and the rest of the gang threw up.

"Yuck!" spat Shinji.  "If I ever have to do another plug for the Microsoft network, I really am going to kill myself."

"I feel so dirty." shivered Asuka.  "How were you able to stand that?" she asked Vicil.

"I come from Prince Albert, Saskatchewan.  You'd be surprised what we do for entertainment."

=======================================================================

A road...

      As it turns out, Hikari has a heavy foot on the gas pedal.  Touji found that out the scary way as they rampaged around Tokyo-3 in Maya's stolen Station wagon.  Touji clutched the armrest harder and harder as he sunk into the seat, watching the buildings fly by like cicadas.  Right now, they were thankfully on the freeway stretch between the commercial area and the residential zone.  Not another sharp turn for at least another six kilometers.  Touji had thirty seconds to get his bearings.

      "This is the way we came to the hospital, right?" asked Hikari politely.

      "Friber durber!" Touji responded, still unable to correctly form words.

      "I'll take that as a yes."

      Touji's fish-eye view of the speeding grass planes became the subtle homes of the residential district without much time.  Hikari checked the addresses of the whizzing houses.  Once she saw Touji's, she quickly slammed on the brakes.  The car fishtailed and skidded to a halt, perfectly centered in the driveway.

      Hikari whipped out some sunglasses and stuck her head out the window.  "Like a glove!"  She turned the car off and got out.  Touji, on the other hand, didn't move at all.  Hikari walked around to his window and tapped on it.  Touji was submerged in the cushion of his seat and his fingers had dug themselves deep into the armrest.  His eyelids and his lips were peeled back, showing a full smile from ear to ear.  Hikari opened the door and tapped him on the forehead.

      "CL0SE THE DOOR, MAN!!!  WE'RE BEING SUCKED OUT IN THE VORTEX!!!" he screamed.

      "Touji!" shouted Hikari.  "We're here."

      "Where?"

      "Here.  Home." She explained.

      "No!  It's a trick!  We're at another red light!"

      "No, Touji.  We're at your house."

      Touji timidly looked at Hikari.  She motioned to the house like a game show prize girl.  He slowly stuck his head out the car door and saw that he was indeed at home.

      "Oh, thank God!" he cried.  He unbuckled his seatbelt and ran toward the door, digging around in his pocket to get his key.  Hikari closed the car door for him and followed him.

      Touji opened the door and quickly ran inside.  He threw off his shoes and ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and chugged down a can of his dad's six-pack.  He sighed and collapsed on a chair.

      Hikari appeared in the doorframe, appearing to survey the house.

      "GAHH!" cried Touji.  He leapt up onto the table and reflexively threw the beer can at Hikari.  He missed and it splashed against the wall.  Hikari snapped her head towards Touji.

      "What the hell was that for?!" she shouted.

      "You scared the shit out of me!" he shot back.  "What are you still doing here?"

      "I told you, I'm spending the night."

      "Not here!  I barely survived an hour with you!  I'm sure as hell I don't want to spent the night with you in the same house!"

      Hikari started strutting up to him.  "Well, I'm not going anywhere tonight." She growled.  "Asuka hasn't answered her phone all week, and I am definitely not going to sleep in the same home as mom!"  She jumped up and grabbed his collar so she could drag his head down to her eye level.  "So either you sleep outside, or you can stick it out with me!"

      "Yes, ma'am!" he shivered.

      "Good."  She let go of his collar and sat down on Touji's chair.  Touji climbed down from the table and sat down across from her.

A long silence passed between them.  Hikari spent her time checking out Touji's house.  Touji sat perfectly still and straight.  'Must not tempt the beast... Must not tempt the beast...' he repeated to himself over and over in his mind.

      "Nice place." She said.

Touji flinched at the sound of her voice, but after he realized it wasn't high pitched or shrill, he chanced continuing the conversation.  His mind was telling him that if he didn't answer her, she might hit him.  "Uh... Th- Thanks."

"I expected it to be messier." She said, crossing her legs and putting her arms on the table.

"Wh- Why is that?" he squeaked.

"Because your such a jerk in school, I would have thought you'd be a slob."

"Oh..." Touji said, somewhat taken aback.

More silence.

"Where are your parents?" asked Hikari.

"Dad had to work today, and I guess mom went out for groceries.  She was here when I left."

"Ahh..." She replied.

More silence.  Some chick's head exploded while she was making out with her boyfriend and he got sentenced to death via lethal injection.

Suddenly, they heard a thumping coming from down in the basement.  A little girl came running up the stairs and hopped into the kitchen.  "Touji!  Touji!  Touji!  Touji!" she said as she bounced up and down.  She hopped over to he brother and gave him a big hug.

"Hi, Mari." said Touji.  "Where you okay while I was gone?"

"Ice cream!  Ice cream!  Ice cream!  Ice cream!"

"You had ice cream?"

"Cookies too!  Cookies too!  Cookies too!"

"Did you save me some?"

Mari shook her head and stuck out her tongue.  Touji sighed in his seat.  Mari continued bouncing up and down.  She turned around to Hikari and started chanting, "Whose that!  Whose that!"

"Uh... Mari, This is Hikari." Touji said nervously.

Mari bounced over to Hikari.  "I'm Mari!"

"Hi Mari!" Hikari said playfully.  "I'm Hikari."

"Hikari is spending the night with us, Mari." Touji joined in.

Mari stopped bouncing.  "Ooooooooooohh... Touji has a girlfriend!"

Touji and Hikari blushed horribly.

"Touji has a girlfriend!  Touji has a girlfriend!  Touji has a girlfriend!"

"No!  Mari!  She's not my girlfriend!"

"Touji has a girlfriend!  Touji has a girlfriend!  Touji has a girlfriend!"

"I'm not his girlfriend!"

"Touji has a girlfriend!  Touji has a girlfriend!  Touji has a girlfriend!"

Touji and Hikari took off after Mari and hung her upside down from the ceiling fan.

"OOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOoooo..."

They took her down and threw her into the basement.  The song styling sounds of 'Touji and Hikari, Sitting in a Tree' were at least muffled by the door.

Touji sighed.  "I love her, but she drives me insane."

"I know exactly what you mean.  I have my own siblings that annoy me."  Hikari responded.

"Really?  Want to talk about it over a drink?"

"I don't drink beer."

"Neither do I.  I just missed the Pepsi."  Touji grabbed his gut.  "Ugh..." he groaned.  "Excuse me."  He ran off to the bathroom and barfed his stomach empty.

=======================================================================

Somewhere in the commercial district...

      Yui snapped he seatbelt into place and grabbed the wheel.  "Ready to go?"

      "Just give me a sec.  I can't get my fly up." Gendo grunted as he struggled with his pants.  Yui took the time to check her hair in the mirror.  She had taken the liberty to borrow her husband's undershirt and jacket; then she tied the towel around her waist as a skirt.  Gendo stuck with his dress shirt and pants and left the tracking equipment in the backseat.  "Okay, let's go." He said reaching for his seatbelt.

      Yui started up the car and hit the gas.  Suddenly, a body was thrown in front of the car.  Yui squealed in surprise and hit the brakes.  There was a soft thump on the hood as the car came to a halt.  They both immediately got out to check if the person was harmed in any way.

      Around the front of the car was a young teenage boy dressed in a school uniform.  He had white hair and red, puffy eyes, indicating he had been crying.

      "Oh, God!  Are you okay?!" Yui panicked.  Her hands were reaching out to comfort him but she was unsure if he would be hurt, so they nervously combed the air around the boy's body.

      "No, I'm not OKAY!" sobbed the boy.  "My life is OVER!  Why didn't you just run me over?!  It happens all the time!  No one would have noticed my pathetic body laying in the street!"

      "Oh, that's not true!  Tell him, Gendo; it's not true, is it."

      "Uh, g- uh, No!  No it's not true." Gendo stammered.

      "What happened to you?!" stammered Yui.  "What could possibly want to make you kill yourself?!  And on such an nice day?"  She neglected to mention that she had lost her son and Gendo's work building caught on fire.

      "ARE YOU KIDDING?!!" the boy screamed.  "I've been going all over town to try and fix it!  It just doesn't work anymore!"  He curled up into himself and sobbed on his knees.

      Yui thought enquiring about the boy's problem might only agitate him further.  Instead, she tried to relate to the boy.  "Oh, you poor boy.  There is no need for that kind of talk."  The boy continued sobbing on his knees.  "My son, Shinji, used to have a problem too."  This caught the boy's attention.  "When we moved here from Kyoto..."

      "Your son is Shinji?" the boy interrupted.

      Yui was somewhat taken aback at the mention of her son.  "Uh, yes.  I'm Shinji's mom."

      "Shinji Ikari?"

      "Yes, that's him."

      A flash of hope shimmered in the boy's eyes.  He slowly started to uncurl himself as if formulating something; then he quickly turned to Yui.  "Can you take me to him?"

      Yui was again taken aback.  "Wh- What for?" she stammered.

      "Please, I have to see him.  It's personal"

      "Uh... Okay.  We're on our way to meet him right now."

      "Great!" the boy cheered.  He hugged Yui and jumped into the back seat.

Yui and Gendo followed him into the car.  Yui buckled herself in the driver's seat and started it up.  "Buckle up." She commanded before she sped off.

=======================================================================

The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations...

      Vicil finished hooking up his new laptop and booted it up.  "Okay." He started.  "When I was first thrown into this universe, I found I had my own VIS (Vortex of Infinite Space).  While I was digging around in it I found my disk of stories, and I figured out I could use that to make the tools we would need to set things straight.  The problem was, I didn't have access to a computer."  He quickly turned around to see if the others were following.

      Asuka, Shinji and Pen Pen were asleep on the floor behind him.

      "HEY!  WAKE UP!"

      They shot up straight and desperately stammered out excuses to make him believe that they we're listening.

      "I was resting my eyes!"

      "WAAK WAUGH WAARK, WAARK!"

      "Mt. Fuji!"

      "As I was saying..." Vicil growled.  "Since I got the laptop now, we can use it to contact the other fanfics and warn the others."

      "Okay, first of all," Asuka interrupted, "if what your saying is true, there could be countless A/S fanfics.  How could we possibly get to them all?"

      "Easy.  All I have to do is send a message to Rhine.  He's linked to Asuka fans throughout the net and can quickly spread the word."

      "Will he even believe you?"

      "He's a huge fanboy.  I don't think there's much doubt."

      Asuka took a moment to beam in her popularity.

      "What about us?"  Shinji interjected.  "How do we travel the net?"

      "That's where the disk comes into play.  Do you remember Asuka's hole?"

      Shinji and Asuka blushed something awful.

      "Not that one!  The hole she used to escape from her closet!"

      "Uh, yeah.  What about it?"

      Vicil slid the disk into the slot and typed a few commands.  Suddenly the screen flashed into a bright, white, whirling pool of energy.  Vicil reached in with his hand and pulled out said hole.  "Now, we can use it as a port to the net.  I rewrote it so it would never run out of power."

      "If you had that kind of power, why can't you just write yourself out of the story."

      "Because this isn't my computer.  It doesn't lead to my world.  Just this one."

      "Waark, waaugh waaugh waark waak waark." Added Pen Pen.

      "Exactly." Vicil retorted.  "And with that port to the net," he motioned to the hole, "we can search for D's army." Explained Vicil.

      "So what are we supposed to do in all this?" smirked Asuka.

      Vicil paused for a moment.  "Why don't you learn how to work those things, first?" He motioned to the EVA's standing erect in the corner of the base.

=======================================================================

Sohryu residence...

      Kyoko waited impatiently outside her house.  "For crying out loud!  Where the hell are they?!"  She was fully decked out in supplies.  Strapped to her back was an assortment of stun guns and tranquilizer rifles held on by a belt of shell casings.  A hunters knife was cased on her other belt.  She had a net slung over her shoulder, and in her other hand, she held a briefcase with unknown contents.

      Yui's car ripped around the curb and skidded to a halt in front of Kyoko.

      "You're a half hour late!" She yelled.  "What took you so long?!"

      Yui and Gendo smiled at each other.

      "Never mind." Kyoko grunted.  "Just pop the trunk."

      Yui reached under the dashboard and pulled the release for the trunk.  Kyoko dumped her supplies inside and slammed it closed before she hopped into the backseat.  She noticed the kid sitting across from her.

      "Whose he?" she asked.

      "I'm Kaworu.  I'm going to see Shinji with you guys."

      "No, you're not."

      "Yes, I am."

      "No, you're not."

      "Yes, I am."

      "No, you're not!"

      "Yes, I am!"

      "YUI!!!"

      Yui shifted into drive.  "He's coming with us, Kyoko." She stated, not wanting to elaborate on the fact that she hit him with her car on the way over.  They sped off to the mountains.

=======================================================================

The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations (two hours later)...

      "So, who's going to tell them what's going on?"

      "HOW do we tell the what's going on?  I'd say they're confused enough as it is."

      "Now would probably be the best time to explain it while they're still bewildered.  If any of them start thinking rationally, it could ruin it all."

      "So who's going to do it?"

      "You should do it."

      "I don't want to do it!"

      "Too bad, Gilligan.  You're the one who got us into this mess and YOU'RE the one who's going to get us out!"

      Vicil was pushed out through the door.  He tried to get back in, but they shut it behind him.  Vicil paused at the door trying to gather himself.  After a few seconds, he pounded once on the door to tell himself he was ready before he turned to face his audience.

      Thousands of Asuka's from fanfics all over the world sat in a lecture theatre in front of him.  Some were wearing plug suits, some were wearing casual clothes and some were wearing bandages.  The Darkfic genre was stationed in the back corner next to the enormous pile of Unit-02 EVA's.  The major populous of the crowd, the humour fic and romance fic Asuka's were stationed on the right side of the amphitheatre.  And, of course, the small, yet very popular, Variante' fic Asuka's were seated at the front left.

      Vicil nervously chuckled as every single eye fell upon him and the theatre went silent.  He began his journey to the podium set up at the center of the theatre.  As he was walking, the ground beneath him started to stretch.  Suddenly, the podium was a lot farther away.  Vicil pulled at his collar, realizing his nervousness.

      He reached the podium and nervously started to stammer out his speech.

      "U-uh... Welcome Asuka's.  I'm very glad to see that so many of you responded to the message."

      "GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!" screamed 'Clone Wars' Asuka.  "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SHINJI?!!!"

      Vicil just stood on the podium looking in the direction of the the sound, not sure which Asuka it came from, and dared not make a move, should she become more angered by his actions.  "... Uh... Okay.  Umm... Well, uh, you see, uh, there's this huge army after, umm... HE'S BEHIND THAT DOOR!!!"

      The entire theatre of Asuka's immediately stood up and knocked down the door.  They grabbed Shinji and dragged him out into the crowd.  All of the Asuka's started tearing at his clothes in an effort to get a piece of their Shinji back.  Until EFF Asuka stood up, that is...

      "Get away from MY Shinji!!!"

      EFF Asuka charged into the crowd and practically bulldozed the other Asuka's out of the way.  Several were knocked into the air as the indistinguishable Asuka of EFF charged through the crowd to get to her Shinji.  She knocked the last one aside and grabbed the poor boy by the leg.  With that task accomplished, she leapt up into the rafters away from the menacing hands of horny fanfic women.

      "MY Shinji!" She whipped out a rubber stamp and stamped the letters EFF on his forehead.  "How did you think he got here anyway?!" she yelled, dangling Shinji over the crowd.

      The raving Asuka's stopped the insanity and let what little rational thought there was in the room seep in.  They began to pout and angrily stomped back to their seats.

      EFF Asuka jumped down from the rafters carrying Shinji in her arms.  They landed next to Vicil, who was hiding under the podium.  Asuka picked him up by the collar.

      "If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll hit you with something really big!"

Vicil nodded in understanding.  Asuka swung him around to face Shinji, who was flushed a ghostly white and shivering in Asuka's arms repeating "Redheads... Redheads... Redheads... Redheads..."

"Now, apologize!" she commanded.

"Sorry, Shinji." Pouted Vicil.

Asuka set him down behind the podium and pointed at the crowd.  "Now tell them!" she and Shinji sat down on a short row of chairs behind Vicil, most of which were filled by penguins.

Vicil glared once at Asuka and turned to the crowd.  "I suppose you're all wondering how you're surrounded by yourselves, and I pretty sure you all came here for the same reason, so listen up."

All of the Asuka's snorted and crossed their arms.

"First of all, all of you are from different fanfics."

All of the Asuka's cocked their heads to the side.

"You are all characters in a story based on a TV series." He clarified.

All of the Asuka's blinked.  The unified action created a sickening squishing sound.

Vicil hit his head on the podium.  "Just believe it, all right?  None of you are in any place to tell me I'm crazy."

They all nodded in agreement.

"You are all different, but each of you are still Asuka.  For instance, the Asuka that yelled at me is actually a real bitch..."

Two heads in the theatre burst into flames.

"Where as that Asuka is completely nice to everybody." Vicil pointed to a random creation of Axel Terizaki.  Vicil paused for a second.  "Which reminds me... Will all the Asuka's created by Axel Terizaki come to the front, please."

Four Asuka's stood up and came jogging up to the front.  They lined up side by side, and their huge pregnant boobs bounced with every step.

Vicil strutted up to them with his hands behind his back.  He rocked back and forth on his heels a bit while whistling a catchy tune.  Then he whipped out his shogun sword and hacked all of their heads off.

Their bodies collapsed and bled out over the floor.  However since Axel created them, little cartoon bunny rabbits hopped out of their decapitation wounds, because everything he writes has a lovey-dubey ending.

Vicil spat on their corpses.  "You make me sick." He said coldly, then he struck a pose and looked at the camera.

Everybody reading this rejoiced.  Axel ran off to a secluded area and got sensitive.  None of the Asuka's did anything because they weren't sure if it mattered if the Axel Terizaki Asuka's died, which it didn't.  In fact, it made the world a better place.  No one needed to be reminded of how good THEIR lives were.

Vicil climbed back up onto the podium.  "Okay, about Shinji.  Well, there's this huge army of women and men from other TV series' that are going around stealing Shinji's because a whole bunch of huge Asuka fans pissed them off."

All of the Asuka's beamed in their popularity; THEN they started paying attention to what the lunatic on stage was blathering about.

Vicil noticed this and repeated himself.  "An army of women and men from other TV series' are kidnapping your Shinji's and doing stuff with them." He glowered monotonously.  "And the leader is, uh, a horrible force that I have never met before in my life."

EFF Asuka elbowed Shinji and they snickered behind Vicil's back.

Vicil shot another glare at EFF Asuka.  "Anyway..."

"THERE THEY ARE, AT THE FRONT!"

Everyone's head turned to the back corner of the theatre to see Yui, Gendo, Kyoko, and Kaworu.

They all jumped up in surprise.  "Mama!" the collectively squealed.

Kyoko turned toward the crowd and dropped her net in surprise.  "What the hell?..." she mouthed to herself.

Yui and Gendo raised their rifles and shot EFF Asuka and Shinji with tranquilizer darts.  Asuka's head collapsed face down in Shinji's lap and Shinji's head fell back as they both went limp.  Kyoko regained herself and threw the net over them.  Yui and Gendo ran up and grabbed the net with Kyoko.  They dragged Shinji and Asuka behind the closest door to them and shut it tight.

Vicil, Kaworu, the penguins, and the Asuka's stared blankly at the door they ran behind.

"Uh, isn't that the room where the coat rack is?"

=======================================================================

The room Yui, Gendo and Kyoko ran into...

      Yui, Gendo and Kyoko felt around in the darkness blindly.

Gendo stuck his hands out in front of him and walked forward until he felt something soft and squishy beneath them.  "Hey, I think I got something!" he called.  He was suddenly smacked across the cheek.

"Pervert!" shouted Kyoko.

"Who did that?!" whined Gendo as he grabbed his ass.

Yui followed the voices with her hands out in front of her until she too found what Gendo had mentioned.  "Hey, what are these things?"

"Get off of me!" shouted Kyoko.

Yui gave ignored her and gave them a squeeze.  She was also belted.

"Ow!  Who did that?!" snapped Yui as she held her boob.

"Quit it!" shouted Kyoko as she felt something rub against her butt.  She turned around and punched something rock hard.  "Ow!  Oh, that's the wall."

Yui felt a string brush against her face.  She grabbed it and found it was connected to a light bulb.  A pull of the string revealed a fair sized room lined with several shelves and small coat racks, hanging from which were several penguin-sized tuxedos.  Gendo, who was rubbing his ass, was behind her and Kyoko was fuming in a corner with her arms crossed over her bosom.  Yui also noticed that the only way out was the door they came in.

"Shit!" she cursed.

A knock came from the other side of the door.  "Excuse me," came a muffled voice, "do you need some help?"

"No, we're fine!" Yui yelled.

Kyoko snorted.

Yui stepped up to the area where they left Shinji and Asuka on the floor.  She pulled the net off and sat them up straight.  Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a sulfur tablet.  She cracked it open and waved it in front of Shinji and Asuka.  They both coughed and sputtered to consciousness.  Yui quickly ran back into the shadows and gathered everyone in a straight line, side by side.

Shinji and Asuka cracked their eyes open and looked to each other for an explanation.  Not finding one, they surveyed the room.

"Why are we in the closet?" inquired Asuka.

"Quiet!" commanded a voice from the shadows.  Asuka and Shinji snapped their heads forward.  Yui, Gendo and Kyoko stepped out of the shadows together, glowering at them.

Shinji and Asuka held each other.

"First things first!" snapped Yui.

Kyoko stepped forward and leaned over Asuka.  "You are SO grounded, young lady!"  Then she went back to her place.

Next, Yui and Gendo stepped forward together, towering over Shinji.  Gendo's face turned to a loving smile.  "Shinji?" he said in a fatherly tone.

Shinji relaxed himself.  "Yes, dad?"

Yui snapped her arm forward and shouted, "You are SO grounded, mister!"

Shinji flinched and hugged Asuka tighter.

Yui and Gendo ran back into place.

"Now, you two," said Gendo in a deep voice, "we're going to have a little talk."

Kyoko pulled out her briefcase and slammed it in front of her.  She knelt down and undid the clasps while Yui and Gendo leered at Shinji and Asuka.  Shinji and Asuka were trembling in fear of what might come out.  Once Kyoko got it open, Gendo whipped out a picture stand and Yui pulled a retractable pointer from behind her back.  Kyoko pulled an arm full of scrolls out of the briefcase.  She checked the ends of each one as if looking for something specific.  When she found a scroll labeled "#1" she set the rest aside in numerical order and gave #1 to Gendo.  Gendo clipped one end of the scroll to the picture stand and unrolled it to the bottom, revealing a chart of the male and female human body.

Asuka and Shinji cocked their heads to the side in confusion.

Yui stretched out the pointer.  "Now listen up you two.  When a man and a woman..."

=======================================================================

The lecture theatre (two minutes later)...

      Vicil decided to continue the speech after he left the door.  He stepped up on the podium and drew in a breath.

      Suddenly, the muffled, blood-curdling scream of Shinji and Asuka came through the closet door.

      Vicil looked at the door for a moment.  "Oh.  Ha, ha.  Anyway, I propose that to get the Shinji's back, we must all join together as an army of our own.  We have a ton of EVAs, the suicidaly-depressed Asukas from the Darkfics would be great for the front line, and best of all the humor section is our most powerful weapon.  Nothing is more powerful than a pissed off redhead."

      The crowd of Asukas weren't sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.  One of the Asukas from the humor section jumped up.  "Fuck you!"  She tore her chair from the floor.  Vicil ducked under it as it crashed against the wall behind him

      Vicil sighed and tapped a button on the podium.  A giant screen came down.  The lights dimmed and slide projector projected a picture of two armies charging at each other.  The left side showed the army of Asuka's and the right side showed an army containing a variety of anime characters.

      "The only way you can get Shinji back is if you all join together in a dramatic burst of OOC and fight the army of Shinji fans.  I suggest you do it quickly.  From what I've heard, they could be taking turns balling him up right now."

      All of the Asuka's stood up and cheered, ready to kick whatever ass they needed to get their Shinji back.

=======================================================================

The closet...

      Shinji and Asuka cocked their heads to the side at picture #14.

      Yui tapped one of the diagrams on the page.  "And this position we call 'around the world four times in a day'."

      Asuka took notes on the back of he hand.

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

      And thus concludes yet another chapter of Evangelion Fan Funny.  Stay tuned next time for EVANGELION FAN FUNNY CHAPTER 8: FIN MEANS END, MORON!!!

      Our heroes go in search of the root of the problem, and their first stop is Rei's house.

      Axel isn't really half bad, but I had to humiliate someone other than Bill Gates.  It's not that I hated Child of Love.  It's very touching, but I still think it could have been WAY better.  The guy doing the sequel is pulling off a better job than Axel ever did, and he's using real angels in his story.  I did not have permission to use the clip or any characters I borrowed/insulted.  The writers take too damn long to respond to my e-mails and I was really excited to post this.  I would have singled out other fics, but the only ones I bother to remember are the works of Godsend777 and Strike Fiss (by the way; GLORY TO CANADA IN THE 2002 OLYMPICS!!!  WE KICK ASS!!!).

      The final chapter will soon be finished.  I'm getting very anxious just thinking about it.

      Many thanks to my pre-reader, Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com


	8. Evangelion Fan Funny Finale!

Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 8: ... ======================================================================= The author would like to take a moment to clarify the few mistakes he had made during the course of his early writing...  
  
BUT HE'S NOT FUCKING HERE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!!!!  
  
This is D, coming live from the desk of Vicil 2000 to BITCH-SLAP EVERYTHING HE STANDS FOR!!! SHAZZAM!!! That's right! I'm taking control of the reigns of this story!  
  
Now let's continue the review...  
  
======================================================================= STUDiO D Presents A BOOB-TUBE Production of  
  
BAD WRITING BLUNDERS Series Premier!  
  
With your host, D, the corporeal representation of Vicil's sociopath subconscious!  
  
Now here's you host, D!  
  
[Applause]  
  
D: Thank you everyone. Tonight, we are here to burn a RAGING ASSHOLE at the stake for high crimes against the freedom of fanfic writers everywhere. We will be criticizing in depth all of his stories and blunders of the self proclaimed 'Vision' of Vicil 2000 and his horrible attempts at writing. But it's no fun simply to stay within the confines of EFF alone. We will be laying out the events which led to this abomination, revealing him to be nothing more than a copycat and cheat, because an explanation is badly needed.  
Approximately three years ago there was a 16 year old TV addict and D average student who actually thought he would become an engineer until one day he realized that the downtown comic book shop rented out a large collection of anime titles. He took home the first two copies of Evangelion, claiming that the 'cool looking robots' interested him. Between weekly movie updates of what happened next in the series, he would frequently surf the web looking for episode guides, screenshots, and of course, hentai. It was during such an escapade that he happened to stumble upon a curious link labeled 'fanfiction,' and it all went downhill from there.  
The idea that stories based off TV shows and literature existed sparked the boy's interest in reading. However, his first long reading project, 'The One I Love Is,' closed his mind to Rei/Shinji pairings. He became obsessed with the idea that the conclusion of a story, no matter how badly written, if it had an Asuka/Shinji ending, was WORTH reading. He went on to read many A/S lemons, some A/S romances, and the occasional humorous, including the widely popular 'Is nothing sacred?" by Godsend777; perhaps the most influential of all the fanfics he had ever read, because not three months later, after he had learned to use a semi colon (;), The first chapter of perhaps the second worst A/S fanfic in the world, Evangelion Fan Funny, was released.  
The point of Evangelion Fan Funny was to spawn the same type of humor birthed by Godsend777 in 'Is nothing sacred?' However some subconscious need to express himself quickly degraded the story into a self-showcase with hundreds of cameos of things that were new to him: including hentai, lemons, Robin Williams LIVE, and a showcase of fanfics he slammed and sang about publicly.  
The story has been ruined. There is simply so much to keep track of that it isn't funny anymore. Even my existence as a character and arch villain is a blunder. Originally, the concept for my character was a half-assed caricature of the devil with a floating mouth that wasn't attached to his body, D for short. By chapter 6 he had learned of Vampire Hunter D, not to be confused with me. He then split the story into two different adventures which seemingly have no effect on each other! The Maya/Ritsuko love sessions were inserted for comic relief, and then they connected with Hikari jamming her foot up Touji's ass, and now Touji and Hikari are at Touji's house with nothing to do. What the hell does that have to do with my army destroying all A/S fanfics? Honestly! Third, Maya is Hikari's mom? What's up with that? Maya's last name is Ibuki, not Horaki! And who's the husband? Fourth, where am I during all of this? I took over in chapter four and I haven't been in the story since!!! I'm the arch villain!!! WHY AREN'T THERE ANY SCENES OF ME PLOTTING AND SCHEMING!!! I SHOULD BE... Duh, I haven't done anything since I created the army. I've just been letting the story write itself... but even if...  
  
[It was at this point that D came to a startle. He made a break for the computer screen.]  
  
It has gotten so far out of control that an ending is becoming less and less of a possibility. I must play my final hand befoh my GOD!!!  
  
======================================================================= Back in the story...  
  
"You have nothing to fear, any of you." Vicil shouted to the Asukanian army. "With our collective force, the battle is already won. As long as the sun, moon and earth exist, WE WILL PREVAIL!!!"  
Vicil's army of Asuka's stood up from their seats and cheered. Vicil lifted his laptop above his head and bellowed a victory cry with the crowd. At the far edge of the amphitheatre, sat Shinji, Kaworu, Asuka, Rei, Pen Pen and the parents. "That was an excellent speech." Exclaimed Gendo while clapping. "Very inspirational." Added Yui. Rei scoffed. "It was full of unnecessary obscenities and it was difficult to understand; some things don't connect at all; and all of those 'lighthearted' jokes he made were so mediocre, only a mental patient would find them funny." Kyoko began to chuckle. "Silly, silly Rei. You is bummered and have no sense of laugh. Don't get heavy." Rei shot a puzzled, raised eyebrow Asuka's way. "She means, 'lighten up.'" Asuka replied.  
  
======================================================================= Outside in the semi-real world...?  
  
D slammed his fists down on the desk.  
"ASUKA, ASUKA, ASUKA!!! They should be destroyed!!! All of my plans worthless because of an army of incompetence!!! ARRG- Rei?! They even have a Rei?! Where did they get that from?!!!"  
  
======================================================================= After scrolling up a few pages- I mean, flashback...  
  
Rei started smashing air guitar.  
"Your love! BAAAD medicine!-"  
  
CRASH!!!  
  
The wall caved in from the outside  
"EEP!" Rei squealed.  
"SHUT UP REI!!!" Came a shout from down the hall.  
The smoke cleared revealing Vicil, Shinji, Kaworu, Asuka and Pen Pen.  
"Get her!" Vicil barked.  
Kaworu and Asuka leapt toward Rei. Asuka locked her arms around Rei's ankles and Kaworu tackled... well, he leapt into the air as a beautiful swan and called, "Catch me!" to Rei, knocking her over and pinning her to the floor. His face pressed into her 'attributes.'  
  
[D: HA! Ha! Ha!]  
  
"Somebody, help me!" Rei squealed.  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" the voice from down the hall boomed again. Vicil closed the door on the other occupants of the house. Take note that if scary, panic music had been playing in the background, and if we had seen Vicil close the door from outside the room, this would look like a murder.  
"Let's move out."  
Shinji duck-taped Rei's mouth and Pen Pen pulled a hood over her face; then they picked her up, exited through the hole in the wall and disappeared into the night.  
  
======================================================================= Later... in the flashback...  
  
They removed the hood and tore the duck tape from Rei's mouth. She squealed again, but the group shoved her to the ground. She doubled over and backed into a corner as Vicil stepped out from the shadows pressing a long blade under her chin.  
Rei started shaking. "What do you want from me?"  
"We want some questions answered Rei." He growled. "We need you to tell us where Shinji is."  
"Shinji? What are you talking about? He was with you!" She pointed into the shadows.  
"Way wrong answer." Vicil grunted. Pen Pen stepped out of the darkness from where Rei was pointing, pulled out a pistol and pointed it at her. "You are the leader of an army trying sent to destroy the freedom of fanfiction. There are Shinji's missing from every Asuka/Shinji paired romance on the net. Where are they?"  
"Fanfiction? Are you people insane?!" Rei screamed. Pen Pen replied by pulling back the hammer. "Oh, God."  
"I'll ask again. Where are they?"  
"I don't know what you people are talking about!!!" Rei screamed.  
Pen Pen opened fire. Three shots exploded from the gun barrel and ricocheted off the stone wall around Rei's head. Rei shrieked as she saw her life flash before her eyes. She trembled in the corner. When she realized she wasn't dead, she opened her eyes to see the smoking gun.  
"My little friend here has two more shots in that monster," Vicil growled again, "and at the count of three, both of them may be in your head. One..."  
"I swear I don't know what you're talking about!" Rei screamed.  
"Two..."  
"MY NAME IS REI AYANAMI!!! I'M IN JUNIOR HIGH AND-!"  
Pen Pen fired off another round above her head. A scream erupted from the shadows. However, Rei's scream of terror was quickly drowned out as Vicil's scream of pain took over his demeanor. He dropped his sword and started hopping up and down, holding his wounded leg. Pen Pen did a double take as Vicil collapsed beside him in agony. "Stupid, fucking bird!!! You shot me!!! YOU SHOT ME!!!" Vicil shriked. Kaworu turned on the lights, revealing everyone in the room. "Oh, don't be such a baby!" Asuka shouted. "It's only a ricochet!" Shinji turned toward Asuka. "Asuka, that's an awful thing to sayyyYYYYEEEUUUUUUGH!!!" Asuka's left eye was splattered all over her face and some of Shinji's clothes. "No it isn't! I got hit and you don't see me whining about it!" "Oh my god!!!" Shinji screamed. "We need to get you to a hospital or something!" "FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Everyone spun their heads around. Rei was on her feet with Vicil's sword and Pen Pen hooked under her arm. Pen Pen was flapping his flippers wildly trying to escape, as birds normally do. "Nobody move, urgh, or the b-bird, ow, the bird, ptht, the bird gets it, pthtptht!" Of course, since Vicil was on the gound in front of Rei, this afforded him a nice view. "PANTIES!!!" he squealed. "Wait..."  
  
======================================================================= Flashback...  
  
"Back-street's-back! ALRIGHT!"  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, REI!!!"  
"YOU SHUT UP!!!  
"YOU!!!"  
"YOU!!!"  
"YOU!!!"  
"YOOOOU!!!"  
  
======================================================================= Present... well not the present, still in the flashback...  
  
WHAM!!!  
  
"You dirty old man!" Rei screamed as she nailed Vicil across the face.  
  
======================================================================= Later... after later in the flashback...  
  
"I am so sorry, Rei. I totally forgot you were in this story." Vicil squeaked as the doc penguin sewed up the bullet wound.  
"You FORGOT about me?!"  
  
======================================================================= Back in the semi-real world... in the present...  
  
"Reconstructive surgery... surgery... surgery..." D continued to update himself on events. "... big speech... revolution... Rei thought it sucked. My god, he's massed an army powerful enough to... It matters not. As long as I'm out here and he's in there, I'm totally safe! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWA..."  
  
======================================================================= The next day...  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWA..."  
  
======================================================================= That evening...  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! MWA..."  
  
======================================================================= Back in the computer...  
  
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! THE LAUGHING!!! THE LAAAAAAAAAAUGHING!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHA!"  
"Asuka! Shinji's losing it again!"  
"Mr. Ikari! Shinji's losing it again!"  
"LAAAAAAAAAAUGHING!!!"  
"Honey! Shinji's losing it again!"  
"IT DOESN'T EVER STOP!!!"  
"Asuka! Shinji's losing it again! Would you be a dear and put him to bed!"  
"What?!"  
"I said, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR AND PUT HIM TO BED!"  
"TAKE HIM OUT TO THE SHED?!"  
"PUT HIM TO BED!"  
"SIT ON HIS HEAD?!"  
"YES!"  
"OKAY!"  
"BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDMMFF---!"  
  
... mwahahahahahahahahh... mwahahahahahahahahh...  
  
"Oh, God... it's still laughing." Vicil moaned as he rubbed his eyes. "I haven't slept in two days and this is going on the third night."  
  
======================================================================= Outside... of the base, not the computer...  
  
Vicil kicked open the door and dragged himself outside, wrapped in a blanket and bunny slippers, with a limp of course. He looked up into the night sky to see a giant translucent image of D listening to a tape recording he made of himself laughing in his sleep.  
"That fiend... It's dumbfounding how evil I see myself... Maybe I shouldn't have picked on him."  
  
ZOW!  
  
======================================================================= Outside, in the semi-real world...  
  
Vicil was sucked out of his computer, tipping over his chair and impacting on the floor, somersaulting, and landing upright on the couch in his living room. He did a double take of his surroundings, noticing he was even back in his original body. A gay smile spread across his unshaven face. D plopped down next to him on the couch and extended his hand. "Truce?" "Truce." Vicil grabbed the hand and shook it twice. With that, D disappeared, supposedly back where it came from.  
  
God's in his heaven. All is right in the world.  
  
======================================================================= In the real world...  
  
"The end." Sighed the author. He took another sip of his Java and turned toward the reader. "I'd like to talk to you about Evangelion Fan Funny.  
"EFF was indeed my first fanfic as D described, but around the time I released the seventh chapter, it was pointed out to me, by Rus, that I had strayed from the love theme I was going for when I first started EFF. You may admit that by the third chapter I had gold in the palm of my hand.  
"However, when I made myself a character I had to make myself important as a character, causing a huge chain of random cameos just to keep the story funny, because I was no longer the comic relief, hence beginning my long sabbatical from the production of such quality material. I've been trying for a long time, but as things stand now there's no way I can finish this.  
"Therefore I have an announcement. I hereby announce a new EFF project, Evangelion Fan Funny Version 2. The story is to pick up after chapter three of EFF and conclude with a much funnier, self-insert-free ending; but I am not the writer. The rights for EFFV2 will go to one writer whom has never before written a fan fiction about Evangelion and is looking for ideas. Contact me at vicil2000@sasktel.net and the story is yours.  
"Also, I want you all to pay heed to the final phrase of the story: God's in his heaven, all is right in the world. Evangelion Fan Funny will stay posted in my account as a lesson to all first time writers of what not to do. Try to be creative with your work instead of introducing yourself to fellow readers as the writer, director and lead-role in the newest fanfic to line the superhighway, because, if you're in it, well, then it's not really about EVA anymore, is it.  
"As for EFF as it stands now...  
  
======================================================================= Epilogue...  
  
Vicil sighed as he deleted the last four chapters of his adventures. He saved it to disk and put it away, ready for a good night and day's sleep, eager to dream about the new adventures Evangelion Fan Funny would have.  
The morning after next...  
"ARRRRGH! FUCKING WRITERS BLOCK!!!"  
He decided he would need some help with this. Vicil grabbed his pants, tucked the disk in his shirt pocket, and headed over to his friend's house. The home of...  
  
======================================================================= In the real world...  
  
"I'd love to proof-read if you ever need one! Bye-bye everybody!"  
  
Theme music: Weapon of Choice - Fatboy Slim  
  
THE END!!! 


End file.
